DFL 2018 Week 3: Football is stupid and I hate it.

Didja see the games this weekend?

Didja *hear* about the games this weekend?

Cuz if either of those answers is yes, then you know what I'm talking about.

Kenneth gets it.

 So,I'm just going to run down a few things that are confusing the ever loving shit out of me:

1. The Browns broke a 2 year non-winning streak.
2. The Browns have a better record than the Pats, the Giants, the Falcons, and the Cowboys.
3. Miami is still undefeated.
4. Arguably the best RB in the league has still not played a single snap and is on the trading block.
5. The Bills somehow managed to spank the living hell out of the Vikings IN MINNESOTA.
6. The Lions beat the Patrioits.
7. The backup quarterback on the Bucs is the highest scoring player in the league.
8. The refs are handing out roughing the passer calls like candy.

I'm sure that there's more, but seriously.  I haven't a clue as to what is going on in the NFL right now.

Yeah, I guess, let's not dwell on it.  Let's just see the tomfoolery that shook out because of it.

Elimination league.  I'll just put this here:

Also, Josh took a strike on the Vikings as well.  (He's not on this list because he's not eliminated yet.)  So, yeah.  Josh, Phil, and McClennen are the only ones left, each with one strike.  But hey, at least I proved my team name right (Phil's Gettin' Past Week 3!!).  Also:

Just sayin'...

Pick 'ems..... Well, Ben continues to have a frustratingly good pick 'ems year (by pretty much blindly picking winners and then having them all hit... ugh...)  So, Ben and Mike both went 5-1, Phil went 4-2, and Josh, Terri, and Crutch all went 3-3.  Honestly, seeing how things played out this weekend, I'm kinda surprised that people did this well.  Here's where we stand:

(On our feet!)

Phil: 13-5

Ben: 12-6

Mike: 10-8

Josh:  9-9

Terri: 8-10

Crutch:  8-10

So.. good luck everyone moving forward, you'll need.  Except Ben, of course.  He seems to have a deal with a luck dragon ...

Just do me a favor, Ben.  Keep your horse away from the swamps, dammit.

And now on to our sad little games this week.  Nobody even broke into triple digits here. And the closest that we got was Mike.  I think that we can all agree that we feel a little dirty any week where Mike is top dog.

Mike (99.19) vs Terri (77.09).  OK I'll admit it.  I love seeing couples face each other.  There's something so very bitter and raw about it.  Since Terri and Mike are the sole remaining couple in the league, I was looking forward to this.  The extra bonus here is that Mike actually delivered the beat down of the week on Terri.  The thing that really hurt?  Terri actually hit line up Nirvana, but Mike did not.  He's still starting two TEs though.  

I mean, you're probably getting this respect from the doghouse,but still.

Steve (71.31) vs D (61.24).   (Side note:  Notice the drop off in points from the winning game to this one...)  Steve came out swinging on this one.  Goff put up best numbers all season.  Johnson, Rudolf, and Adams also hitting double digits.  D didn't actually fair too badly...Stafford, Sanders, and Evans put in solid double digit games, but sadly, it wasn't enough.  Somehow D's bench full of scrubs was able to put up over 30 points.  But when you start scrubs and you bench scrubs... Kind of a crap shoot as to who to start.

Crutch (69.22) vs Ben (54.00).  Well, Crutch somehow figured out a way to keep his undefeated season rolling.  Well done, sir.  And the fact that you finally put in Fitzpatrick, only to have him outscored by Watson is delish! Ben also put in his crazy hot (points-wise, not looks-wise) QB in.  And that's good news too because Mahomes was the only thing working for Ben this week.  Also, side note... Pat Mahomes doe NOT sound like I thought that he would.

More Southern Kermit the Frog as opposed to starting QB, really.

Skoot (67.54) vs. Kyle (50.73)  Hey look.  Skoot's still in it!  Of course, he started 4 players who totaled less than 5 points, but a win is a win.  Especially when Matt Ryan goes off th hook for a 5 TD + 2 2pt conversion game.  Kyle put up some decent numbers (thanks to Howard, Brown, and Thomas), but it wasn't enough.  His bench wasn't all that much better.  But buck up. Next week is a new week.

And any given Sunday and all that...

Patrick (65.43) vs. Phil (63.23).  This... yeah, this was the game that made me really questions what the fuck was going on.  (See, pretty much all of the opening...) Going into the Sunday night game, I had 3 players (Brady, Conner, and Howard) and Patrick was done.  I just needed 20 points and the game would be mine.  Spoilers:  I didn't make it and football is stupid. I don't think that anyone necessarily deserved to win this game, but you certainly deserved to lose it slightly less.

Josh (51.01) vs McClennen (47.74).  Yeah, this was not a pretty game....  This was like an opposite Ben.... If Josh had played literally anyone else in the league, he would have lost.  In fact, if McClennen had guessed a little better with respect to who starts, he would have pretty much doubled his score.  But Josh learns an important lesson this week. If you're heavy on a particular team (in his case, the Vikings), if they have a bad week, you have a worse one.

As if the league wasn't funky enough, next week is week 4.  You know what that means, right?  Here come the bye weeks!  So, good luck everyone!

DFL 2018 Week 2: OK Seriously, WTF?

So, I don't know if you noticed, but the NFL is on some pretty serious insanity meds right about now.

OK, so two weeks in, we've got TWO NFL ties.  There were three more games that came down to the final play.  Two no name quarterbacks came out of nowhere to kick the shit out of their opponents. AGAIN.  One of them did the post game interview like this:

Two kickers were cut this week.  Somehow Boswell is on the short list for going next.  And, and, and.....

Oh, that's right, a player actually retired. At halftime.

Pictured above:  The Buffalo Bills both before and after Vontae Davis retired.
Joke, courtesy Josh.

So, needless to say, I haven't a fucking clue about what is going on in the NFL this week.  And neither do you.  That kinda explains the shake up at the top of the league. But, hey, at least the Browns haven't won yet.

And since we're talking crazy - this dude went to the Pats this week. Maybe Belichick
will get lucky and this will be his first year in 5 years to play more than 5 games...

Anyways, let's get to it.

Elimination league:  Three strikes doled out this week. Crutch takes a strike by picking Washington over Indy.  McClennen took a strike for picking New England over Jacksonville.  (Both kinda ballsy, I like it!)  And Kyle might be the smartest one out there by choosing not to choose. 

Everyone else went CRAZY conservative and took the Rams (with a 34 point shut out), The Chargers (who were playing the aforementioned dumpster fire), and Mike was the lone man out picking New Orleans over the Browns... which almost ended in a tie.  So, well done, everyone!  That leaves Josh as the only one without a strike .  He's the one to beat, gentlemen.

When a Problem Comes along... You must Pick 'Em!

Can we pause for a minute to really appreciate how weird both this video and song are?

OK, when the NFL goes crazy, the pick'ems do too.  Same 6 players choosing this week, as last.  Josh and Terri going 2-4.  Phil, Ben, Mike, and Crutch going 3-3.  At this point, we might as well just be throwing darts.  The standings:

Phil: 9-3

Ben:  7-5

Josh: 6-6

Mike:  5-7

Terri:  5-7

Crutch:  5-7

Still anyone's game if anyone else wants to jump in on this.  I guess?

Only two teams breaking into the centurian club this week. And the good news is that they didn't play each other!  The bad news is...  Well, their opponents were left feeling the pain.  So, let's dig in:

Patrick (111.35) vs Kyle (64.52).  Beat. Down. Of. The. Weak.  Patrick's team just rose up as a collective this week. Lowest scoring player on his team was his DEF, with 8.6 point.  Then, Cooper, with 9.6. Everyone else was solidly double digits, and some pushing 20 points.  And, and, and... he didn't even hit line up Nirvana.  Kyle, on the other hand....  well, he tried.  But the good news for Kyle is that next week Wentz is activated.  So, all good news for him!

Pictured here: Patrick this weekend.

Josh (102.33) vs Skoot (77.05).  Man, Skoot did right on paper here.  Ryan was flirting with 30 points, Hogan somehow saw double digits.  And even when the rest of the G-Men were being savaged by the Cowboys, Saquon still found a way to hit double digits.  Sadly, it did't really matter as Josh had three player who alone almost beat him.  Damn, Josh, settle down, man.  It's going to be a long season...

Josh, this week, having captured first place.

McClennen (71.4) vs Ben (45.16).  McClennen digs in and gets his first win.  Or should I say he THIELENS in and gets his first win.  Because he rode Thielen so hard on his way to victory.  And Theilen's teammate is Stefon Diggs. 

Anyways...  For everything good that McClennen did, fate was there to smack Ben down for doing the right thing. Wilson went belly up, Jones hardly took the field, Mixon somehow didn't get in on the 34 points that his team scored, and the Baltimore D just rolled over and died.  So, yeah, Ben was projected to win by 12 points and lost by over 25.  Yay accurate projections!

Phil (69.23) vs Terri (68.47).  Closest game of the week and a nail biter down to Monday night.  I mean, just look at this:

I was up by like 8 points going into Monday night, and Terri just had her TE left to play.  But what do they ever do, right?  Well, he scored a TD in the first quarter and made me sweat the whole game.  But the luckier one prevailed, and I eeked out a victory here.

Me, the entirety of MNF.

Mike (62.03) vs Stephen (41.32).  Yeah, pretty much nobody hit their projections this year.  Well, except for Gurley.  Cuz, you know, Gurley.  Even though Stephen left some points on the bench,it wouldn't have been enough to overcome the points that Mike threw down, humble as they were...

Good on ya, Mike....

Crutch (61.08) vs D (52.57).  This was... this was not great.  Nobody on either team topped 15 points.  Well, none of the starters at least...  Terrible week to sit Fitzpartrick, Crutch. Further complicating thing, D's kicker pulled his groin during warm ups, and was pulled from the game at the very last minute.  And that one's gonna last a few weeks.  This game... it's just... not great  

One last thing before I sign off here... I've been watching Defenses... I know that we wanted to correct, but man.  It's painful.  I'm thinking that we were a little too far this year.  So, top of the survey next year (after the TE war continues, of course), is to bump the DEFs back up again.

Also, shout out to Mike... So far, he has actually played TWO Tight Ends each game.  That's.. that's commitment to the cause man.  

DFL 2018 Week 1: WHAT A LOVELY DAY!!!!

In case that title is a little too obscure for you, here it is in gif form:

I don't mean to toot my own horn, buuut:

Toot toot, monkey fighters.

And I mean, nothing ever changes after week 1, right? RIGHT????

Don't gimme that look, Keenan!  Let me have this one fleeting moment!

But before we get into that, let's take a look at the meta-games....

First up, elimination league.  Can't say much but this:

Yeah,  8 our of 11 people took a strike this week.  Most took NO (like, where the fuck did that loss come from) and most of the remaining learned that ties count for elimination strikes thanks to The Steelers somehow tying The Browns...  Terri probably had the ballsiest pick of Indy over the Cincinnati, but that didn't pan out.  So, McClennen, Josh, and Crutch are the only ones left without a strike.  Well done, you lucky bastards....

Pick'ems!! PICK 'EMS!!!!  6 players this week.  Though there were a bunch of low scorers, so plenty of time to get into this race.  Mike an Crutch both went 2-4, Terri averaged it out with 3-3, Ben and Josh completed the bell curve by going 4-2.  And then Phil, because screw the bell curve, bingo'ed this week with 6-0.

So, not surprisingly, this is where we stand after week 1:

Phil:  6-0
Ben:  4-2
Josh: 4-2
Terri:  3-3
Mike:  2-4
Crutch:  2-4

Finally, let's look at the games.  Two overall observations, coming out of week 1:
1) Man, the DEFs being lowered this year is weird.  Like, mostly things were probably where they should be,but DAMN it feels low after a few years of crazy high scoring DEFs.
2) The Browns have a better record than the Cowboys.  I think that we can all agree that this was a weird, fucked up week.  Still, can't get much better than an Eagles win, a Panthers win, and a Cowboys loss.  So......

So, let's get into it:
Kyle (62.19) vs Terri (45.38).  So, Kyle is breathing easy that he had a good match up this week, given that 3/4 of the league would have beaten him, should he have played them.  So, congrats, Mr. Barely-Sneaking-Into-The-Winner's-Club.  As for Terri, this one had to hurt since she was bitten right out of the gate by the reduced D rule, pretty much as hard as possible.  Her starting D pulled in a whooping -6.43 points and her back up D was only slightly better with -6.24 points.  This was not great on D for Terri.  This seems all too appropriate for Kyle this week:

D (63.57) vs McClennnen (52.23)  D did slightly better here....  Though, sadly his K pulled in the second most points, which is never a good thing.  Also, just wanna note there that his starting D was projected at negative points (since, you know, they were playing NE), but that didn't deter him.  Well done, D!  As for McClennen.... Maybe autodraft would have been better...  At least then he's have an excuse.  His starting WR was pulled last minute (from a Monday night game - so not a lot of options at that point), and his bench pulled in a total of -0.07 points.  Oh, and McClennen's top scorer?  I'm pretty sure that he was high after he came back from the locker room:

Josh (73.84) vs Patrick (61.23)  It's not often that Patrick is loses and doesn't even break 70 points.  Especially not when his QB pulls in over 23 points himself.  But, that's where we are here.  On the other hand, Josh hit Line Up Nirvana and hauled in the win.  Now, let's not pat Josh on the back too hard... Only one person on his bench had more than 4 points, and that was only BARELY so.

Crutch (74.36) vs Stephen (72.14)  This was the closest game of the week, with less than a 3 point difference.  Crutch was flying high with Hill pulling in almost half the score himself, and he hit Line Up Nirvana.  What sucks for Stephen is that he also hit Line Up Nirvana, and it fell just barely short...

Ben (74.85) vs Skoot (54.50)  First and foremost... well done, Ben for shaking off that Yahooo! prediction that you wouldn't win a single game this year.  I mean, getting it out of the way in week 1.  Well done.  AAAAND delivering the beat down of the week this week no less!  Noice!  Skoot, on the other hand....Well, he has good RBs.  Both Saquon and Ajayi racked up double digit games, But that was about it.  Two silver linings for skoot: 1- He is one of the only people in the history of the world who can say "Man, I really should have started Keenum" and mean it, and 2 - he got to watch this:

Given his feelings on Barkley, I'm pretty sure that this is still on loop on his computer as I write this....

And Finally, the game of the week:

Phil (96.09) vs Mike (93.52).  Mike and I have a rivalry from way back. The 2013 season ended like this:

So, every year, I look forward to our match up.  This week did not disappoint.  Going into the Monday night games, Mike only needed about 22 points and one of the players left o play was Gurley....  So,I had pretty much given up the ghost. Someone Oakland contained Gurley and I was able to eek out a slim victory.  And icing on the cake is that Mike got to Ben this week (which means that he scored the second most points in a week, but still lost).  So, if I may take a victory lap:

C'est magnifique!!

So, get out on the waiver wire, folks.  The first few weeks are the best that you're going to do.   See you next week, assuming that I don't get warshed away....

DFL 2018: Locked and loaded (and only a week late)!

OK people... Week 1 is officially in the books, but don't hold that against me.  We had our draft less than 24 hours before the season kicked off.  It's on all y'alls busy schedules.  I'm just saying....

I was going to add the Game of Thrones shaming, but giphy and blogger don't mix well.

So, now I'm backed up a bit. I've got the post draft write up and the Week 1 write up (I mean, did you see the games, I totally can't let this week slide!  Stay tuned!!!) done ASAP.  Oh, and there's apparently a Category 5 Hurricane barring down on us which will rob us of our bread, milk, water, gasoline, and humanity if the stock of the stores is anything to go by.

Tell 'em Ollie!

So, this'll be a shorter than usual blog.  Well, it's probably going to be. I usually get started and then kinda meander around until I fall asleep at my keyboard.

Yeah, that's kinda my writing style.  I mean we're already 3 images in and still not even hardly
a mention of the DFL.

OK enough dicking around, let's get down to business!

Here was the draft order this year, for posterity's sake:

1. Skoot  (WE ARE Sayquads!)
2. Mike (MrSmithGoesToDC)
3. McClennnen (Autodraft)
4. Terri (I Ran-FlaccoSeagulls)
5. Patrick (Hooken on a Thielen)
6. Phil (Philly Philly!)
7. Stephen (Fournette Me Now)
8. Kyle (Cosby's Sleepers)
9. Ben (RegressionToTheMean)
10. Josh (1 Gurley 1 Kupp)
11. Crutch (The Final Touchdown)
12. D. (Dracula's BloodBitch, which I choose to read as "Dracula's Blood, BITCH!" as if Jesse Pinkman was saying the team name.)

And just for fun, here's how the first three rounds went:

I'm betting at the end of the season, there will be a few people looking back and thinking "Why?  WHY did I use my early picks on this trash????"*cough* *cough*  D with Hopkins *cough* *cough*)

And for what it's worth, here's what Yahoo! thought of our picks:

As a side note, for those of you that don't know, we actually did a pretty thorough deep dive on on how much these grades are actually worth and we determined (down to 2 decimal place accuracy) that Yahoo!'s grades are worth exactly Jack and Shit.

Side note, putting Skoot down at second to last place AND predicting that Ben won't win a single game all year *does* seem pretty much spot on.  But then they had to put Crutch up top and everything just goes to stupid.  So, there you go.

And as a super bonus, this year we had 0 auto drafts.  Yay!

Now, nobody to blame but yourselves....

And now what none of you have been waiting for.  My personal rankings of team names this year.

12) Dracula's BloodBitch (D).  I'm not sure if this is a reference to something or what.  Even with Jesse's voice in my head, this just doesn't make the cut.

11) FUAutodraft (McClennen).  The sentiment rings true.  McClennen has autodrafted the last few years, and it has not gone well for him.  Frustration aside, there were just too many good puns this year for this to get any higher than 11.

10) I Ran-FlaccoSeagulls (Terri).  I get that Flock Of Seagulls sang a song called "I Ran", but the song title and the band just just kinda got smushed together, leaving me a little empty.

9)  WE ARE Sayquads (Skoot).  OK, We Are ... Penn State and Barkely has fucking massive quads... but eh....  The name definitely got some extra love because Skoot is so in love with Saquon.

The original Twitter caption was "It looks like Saquon
could drive a bowling ball 300 yards."

8) RegressionToTheMean (Ben).  I actually like the nerdy side of this name.  Plus, it's self deprecating to boot!  Sadly, it looks like we were going more punny this year or you would have ranked higher.

7) The Final Touchdown (Crutch).  Simple. Punny.  Say no more.

6) Cosby's Sleepers (Kyle).  Yeah, this was a risk.  Cosby is hella toxic these days.  But what can I say?  A great football pun is a great football pun.

5) MrSmithGoesToDC (Mike).  It's a call back to an old school movie and mirrors what happened in the NFL during the off season.  Ain't nuthin' wrong with that!
4) Philly Philly! (Phil).  I'll let Ben evaluate this one for me:  "are you philly philly?.  of course you are.  i was like 'that's not a very creative team name......unless it's phil.  goddamnit. [sic] '"
3) Hooked on a Theilen (Patrick).  Bonus points to Patrick for like 3 great team names before settling on this one.  The other one that stuck out was "Mariota Kart."  Not sure which one I like better, but this one is certainly more relevant this year.
2) 1 Gurley 1 Kupp (Josh).  Well, Kyle started the gross names, and Josh drove it right the fuck home.  I'm just sad that he didn't get both of these players.  Also:  Bonus points for NOT including an icon this year...
1) Fournette Me Now (Stephen).  Slow clap....  This is an amazing name.  And Stephen got an icon of GOB to really drive it home.  *That* is how you make a big splash your first year in the league.  Well done, sir!!!



That's about it for now.  Well done, y'all.  See you on the virtual gridiron!