Phil's trip to court....

So, I hope that I'm not burning myself out with back to back blog posts, but I was planning on blogging about this topic and I wanted to get it on paper while it was still fresh.  However, I figured that it was bad form to just ignore the last month that I took off.  So when I started to write the intro of my previous post of "Sorry for being gone so longer", it just kinda spun outta control.  So, I made an executive decision to split the "Sorry for the lack of updates" post and the "court" post.

Anyways, today I went to court for the first time in my adult life.  Technically, I went to court once when I was a kid for when my parents were taken to court since they didn't pay some parking tickets that they got.  (The story goes that they had their car at a mechanic's garage for repairs.  Being in a city, parking space is at a premium.  When the garage ran out of room, they just started parking illegally.  When the tickets starting being issued, the mechanic just threw them away.  So the cops then sent a court date to my parents.  Since Mom was stay at home was too young to either be in school or stay by myself, I went to court with them.)**

Today, I was unjustly (read:  justly) convicted of a crime that I did not commit (read:  did commit, and kinda got off light).  So, the facts are that I was driving too fast, and I passed someone (in a turn lane) when they were going really slow and making a right turn.  This wouldn't have been a big deal, but I did it right in front of a cop.  D'oh!  I definitely deserved this ticket since I violated two of the three rules on driving that my dad gave me when he was teaching me to drive:
1 - Never be the fastest one on the road (which I clearly was).
2 - Don't be the asshole / let the asshole be right (the guy did cut in front of me and was going really slowly, but it was definitely an asshole move for me to pass in the turning lane).

(The last rule of course being if you shake more than twice then you are just having a good time.  A bit of explanation on this - we had a pee jar.)

So, I did my research on what to expect, I spoke to a few of my lawyer friends (and one that just has had a few brushes with the speeding tickets in the past), and was all prepared for my court date today.  Now, let's do a brief exercise on what happens when Phil's imagination has 6 weeks to run wild.

Here's what I had imagined to happen:
I was expecting to check in and then agree to plead guilty and then head over to the judge to make it nice and official.  Of course, this would be the epic showdown of the century, the DA would be a Jack McCoy type - I would be defending myself.  However, far from being a foolish client, I would ring of Atticus Finch, with truth and justice on my side.  Let's say that the judge would be a cross between Bowser (From Sha Na Na) and Chuck Norris.  (And while we're at it, let's throw in a pinch of Ang Lee's Incredible Hulk).  I would put the whole system on trial.  "You want the truth?  You want the Truth???  I'm out of order?  *You're* out of order!!!  The whole stinking SYSTEM is out of order!!"  The end result would be that I would get the ticket knocked down to 9 MPH over, so that my insurance wouldn't go up.  Then, I would have a nice scotch with the hottie prosecutor, who would throw herself at me.  Then, I would dramatically walk away saying "Sorry, baby doll.  I'm already spoken for", while twirling my wedding band.  Then, the honorable Chuck Hulk Na Na would come and sweep the hot prosecutor off her feet and they would proceed to have a torrid love affair, knowing that if this ever came out then they would surely have to revisit all of the cases where they were both involved.

Now, what actually happened:
So, I got up in the morning and suited up.  I was advised that if I did that, then people would probably just think that I was a lawyer.  But I figured that there were worse things to be.  I  headed over to the courthouse (which, BTW, their websites list two different addresses on two different streets, but I think that this was that the building is wide enough to span the whole block.. but I didn't check...).  First thing was that I had to go through a metal detector.  I guess that makes sense, but just kinda threw me off.  Then, I wandered around a bit until I found courtroom 1A, which is where I was told to go.    There were a few lines, but not a lot of people, so I picked one and hoped for the best.  Good news is that I chose properly.

When I'm called up, they ask my name, which I give.  Then I start handing them my official driving record, plus my ID and start to ask if we can get this ticket knocked down.  The lady looks up and smirks a little, and says that I should actually talk to a District Attorney about that.  I said "Oh, where do I do that?"  She pointed at a line with a sign over it that said "DA Line".  That made sense so I thanked her and headed over to that line.

(Funny side note... OK *I* think that it's funny, but that may or may not mean much...  When I had initially saw the sign, I read it as "da line."  As in - "Where should I go?"  "Go over there and stand in da line."  Putting periods after each letter may have made it easier to read, like so:  "D.A. Line.")

Anyway, I  head over to the line and I wait to see a kid, who's probably 5 years my junior, looking throughly bored.  He asks what I want to do about it, and I say that I'll pay it, but can we knock it down a bit.  Without thinking, he says "Sure.  No problem." and knocks it down to 5 MPH over the limit.  Even better, think I.  Though I still haven't handed my ID or my official driving record to anyone (I only mention this since it's clean and I paid $11 for it).  He makes a note and asks me to wait in a line around the corner.

So, I head over to the line and see that it's the place to pay tickets and not actually a courtroom. O well, I guess that the $11 (for the official driving report) is well wasted, but hey no problems, I got what I wanted.  So I'm waiting in the line and eventually it's my turn.  The lady behind the counter looks at me and asks what I'm here for.  I tell her to pay a ticket.  She looks at a piece of paper thoroughly confused and says "Margaret?  Are you Margaret?"  I tell her no, and she says that she doesn't have the paperwork, so I should go back to the DA to see where it is.

I head back and start to poke around, but the DA that I talked with like 2 minutes ago was not there.  So, I turn around and he's *right* there behind me.  He asks if there is a problem and I tell him that the lady doesn't have my paperwork.  He asks who he talked with.  Awkwardly, I say that it was him.  (You've gotta remember, I kinda stick out.  I'm 6'4", 230, full beard, and in a suit - BTW the advice that I got was pretty sound - pretty much the only ones there wearing ties were official types.)  So, he fiddles around for a few minutes, finds the paperwork and we head back to the pay line.

I wait until I get to the head of the line and this time, I actually pay.  So, all is good.  And thus ends my very boring trip to pay my speeding ticket.

A few things that I learned from this experience:
1 - Dad was right.  Don't be an asshole driver.  (Especially true when you are entering into a speed trap.)
2 - The court is ridiculously efficient.  Including walking to and from the parking deck, the whole experience took 34 minutes.  How do I know it was 34 minutes?
3 - I parked in a parking deck since I figured that it would be a little time.  The deck cost a buck every half hour, rounded up.  So, I just barely was pushed to the second half hour.  (And if I hadn't had to go back to get the paperwork squared - I would have made it!  Damn.)
4 - The court is really serious about proper attire inside.  On the courtroom door, there are no less than three signs explaining no hats, you have to tuck in your shirt, etc.
5 - No, I mean really serious.  There is an armed police officer, whose job seemed to be almost exclusively to tell people that if they didn't tuck their shirt in, then they would be held in contempt.
6 - The difference between a 14 MPH over ticket and a 5 MPH ticket is about $20.
7 - That doesn't really matter since the court costs pretty much screw you.  After I paid, there was an itemized breakdown of the court costs.  I glanced briefly and from what I remember, it read something along the lines of:
Screw you Cost:  $23
Piss Off Fee:  $36
Thank you, sir may I have another surcharge:  $17
Yes, of course you can:   $53
8 - As soon as you get a ticket, you will get flooded get mail from lawyers.  Holy cow, there was a lot of it.  Granted, my infraction was pretty slight, but I can't figure out exactly what a lawyer (who would have essentially doubled (or more) my costs) would have done differently.

All in all, not a bad experience.  Painful enough that will definitely discourage me from speeding any time soon, but not so painful as to piss me off for being too excessive.

**This is the official story that my parents told the very young child version of me.  I'm assuming that the real, real story is that my parents were running a meth lab/white slavery ring from our basement.

A little bit meta (No, Phil hasn't gone on sabbatical.)

Well, shiza!  Looks like I fell straight into a a nasty case of new-blogitis.  You know what I'm talking about. A dude gets a new blog, gets all excited and throws out a bunch of posts all at once and then all of the sudden te updates just stop for like a month.   Then, that dude is all like "I'm so sorry, I've been super busy, I'll do better, blah blah blah..."

Well, I can't exactly say that I've been all the busy - i'm just a lazy, lazy man.  However, I will try to update more frequently.  I'm doing this for two reasons:
1 - So that Ben and I will stop having this conversation:
Ben:  "So, is the blog dead yet?"
Phil:  "Fuck you."
Ben:  "Cuz you know, it would be ironic since I was the last update."
Phil::  "Fuck you."
2 - Actually, you know what?  That's really the only reason I want to update more.  Not so much to give back to the world, or even to have the same repetitive, expletive-laden conversation.  Mostly, I just want to spite Ben.

So, there you go.  I will beat back my laziness with spite.  And if that isn't the American way, then I just don't know why I even watch Fox News.

PS - I don't foresee my updates coming that much more frequently in the coming months.  Work is promising to be nasty until Thanksgiving and I'm the commissioner of a Fantasy Football league.  I do a write up once a week or so, and that takes a good deal of my creativity. (I mean really.  How many different ways can I bitch about random picks doing random things?)
PPS - Don't let that stop you from keeping your eyes there though!  The quantity may be going down, but that just means that the quality is going way up!!