DFL 2015 Week 3: Things is getting cray-cray.

Now, I know what you're all thinking.  Things in the NFL are a little dicey right now.  Franchise players are getting hurt left and right (Rothlisberger, Brees, Cutler), the Bengals and the Panthers are both 3-0, and the NFC East collectively has 5 wins.  I think that we can all agree that things are pretty fucked right now.  But at least we don't look as god damn stupid as this guy:

Yeah, that's his signature line - Cam-o-flage.  Jesus, man....

There's a lot of stuff to be talking about in the DFL at the moment, as well.  Two teams are still undefeated (Skoot and Patrick) and two teams have yet to see a victory:  RA Dave and Crutch.  But I want to give a special shout out to one team this week, and it's none of these teams.  There is one very special team who, this week, stepped up and said "Yes, I will take the biggest beat down that the league has ever seen.  Yes, I will be not only Mike's bitch, but the entire league's bitch."  Yes, that was McClennen.  Mike scored nearly three times his point total, for a point differential of over 87 points.

A shot of McClennen the entire day on Sunday.

McClennen was so pissed off that he decided to change his team name to ThisIsBS.  This is significant for four reasons:

1. This is the first time in his history with the DFL has changed his name from the original "Derailers".
2. This is the first time that his team name makes sense.  (Like *a lot* of sense.)
3. This is the first time in the history of the DFL that a team has had more name changes than they have had player changes.
4. This allows me to re-use one of my all time favorite gifs:

Oh, Walt, Jr.  How we have missed you!

Things are bad right now, McClennnen.  But buck up.  At least you're not RA Dave or Crutch.  And that works on several levels.

But now, let's get into it!

Elimination league!  Not a lot happening here.  No strikes doled out here this week.  Bunch of New England picks, couple of Seattle picks, a few Arizona picks.... and hey!  Even a Carolina pick!  (Thanks, Kookie!!)  But no strikes, so we move on...

That's Michael Larson.  Look it up.

Pick 'Ems!  Great week for Pick 'Ems!  All of the 7 people who picked either went 5-1 (Patrick, Terri, Skoot, and Phil) or 4-2 (Melanie, Mike, RA Dave).  And looking at the distribution, nobody is below .500, except for me and my abysmal 1st week picks.  So, keep it up, chaps!  (If it matters at this point, the high man is Patrick with 11 points, followed by Melanie, Terri, and Mike at 10 points.)  So keep making the picks!  Plenty of time left in the season!

(They probably think that I mean plenty of time to make good picks and catch up.
I actually meant plenty of time to fuck up and let me reclaim top spot.)

And here's the game.

Mike vs  McClennen:  Yeah, no need to beat a dead horse here...  Mike won.  Big time....  Crickey.  Talk about the perfect storm.  Mike easily hit line up Nirvana.  But man...  I mean, nobody on his team is all that good.  (Well, maybe Charles is... but he sure wasn't any other time this season.)  They just all happened to have a good week at the same time.  So, well done, Mike.  Let's see if ou can keep it up into next week.

Kookie Bowl!!  Yay!  I love it when couples re forced to slug it out!  Although, I will say that I've never seen a wife abuse her husband so badly in public.  I mean, Geez, Melanie.  Take it easy on the guy!!  Kookie does get to say "Man, why didn't I start Andy Dalton" though... I mean, how many times can someone actually say that???

Phil vs Ben:  Well, I finally was able to punch my way into the centurian club.  And I did it by destroying my competition by more than twice their score.  The victory did ring somewhat hallow in that neither Ben nor I used the players that we traded last week.  That would have been awesome.  

Terri vs Missy:  OK.. this was a pretty exciting game.  There was just no way that Missy could win this one going into Monday night.  I mean, Rodgers + Maclin would need to beat Cobb + 35 points.  Impossible, right?  Well, that nearly happened. Thig was within a single touchdown of going Missy's way.  Terri barely eeked out this game by a scant 7.6 points.  Great playing, ladies!

Skoot vs Crutch:  Really guys?  The very first time that Skoot shows the tiniest chink in the armour and this is what happens?? Fully half of the league would have beaten Skoot this week and somehow Crutch's entire team just vomited all over itself and hit line up Nirvana by barely getting up over 60 points.  Skoot's paultry 86 points easily overcame that.  (Though to be fair, Skoot wasn't riding Brady nearly as much this week.  This time it was the Arizon D who racked up an *amazing* 32 points.  Fuck.  I'm pretty sure that Skoot has magical powers to be pulling off wins like this so consistently.)

Patrick vs RA Dave. Again... sad, sad score here.  Our other undefeated team has graciously given us some love in the points department by only throwing down 65 points this week.  3/4 or so of the league would have beaten him, but c'est la vie!  Patrick takes this one 65-47.

So, can the undefeateds keep the streak alive?  It's going to be an uphill battle this week, as both Patrick's and Skoot's normally wonderful QBs are out.  Patrick is letting loyalty guide him by picking up Foles Bradford (of course, I said Bradford...  who else would I have said??) and Skoot is playing the Buffalo card by picking up both thier QB and their TE.  I would say that's kinda ridiculous, but what the hell do I (or anyone really) know this year?

Good luck, y'all and see you on the gridiron this Sunday.  And remember that we've got a Sunday Monrning game this weekend.  So, you might need to set your line ups *really* early if you've got anyone on the Jets or Dolphins this week.  (Yes, the NFL decided that the best representation of their brand in Europe was to send West Side Story over to London this year.  Enjoy that, wankers.)

2015 Boosterthon: And that's a wrap!

Thank you so much for supporting Sam's 2015 Boosterthon.  I do apologize for not being able to thank all of you in person, so I decided that the best way to thank people would be to send a video of Sam thanking everyone.

A few notes about the video:

• We filmed this after a few days of not going outside, due to nasty weather.  So, that explains Sam's rocking back and forth.
• Sam says that you guys helped him to raise $11.70.  He meant to say $11.70 per lap.  His total was actually just over $400.  THANK YOU!
• The money will be used for Cambridge Certification.  I'm not sure what that means exactly, but I do know that all of the teachers from 3rd grade and up will be taking the course.  The principal is very excited about it.  It's associated with the the university that employs arguably the smartest living person right now, so I'm down with it. 
• I think that they said that the Boosterthon raised about $40,000.  So, rah! 
• Yeah, we used cue cards, but Sam did write pretty much the whole script himself.
• Sam actually ran closer to 50 laps, but they cut him off at 35.
• Sam is really excited to get all of the loot, so again, thank you!
• That little fellow over Sam's right shoulder is the aptly named "Little Bunny", who was delivered by the Easter Bunny a few years ago, but only recently has been the subject of ownership disputes.  We could not make the video without him.

And in case you want to know what the event looks like, this is for you.  The first video is Sam's class entering the track (warning: annoying music ahead):

And here is their first lap.  I think that it was as organized as you can expect with a bunch of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders:

And here are a few stills, if you aren't into the whole video thing:

Sam's wearing a blue shirt on the left, all the way
in the back (the curse of the tall child).

The only action shot that I could get of Sam.  That kid's fast!

And this is what he looked like at the end:

Notice the super hero stance, and the sweat stain.  (OK, that was
probably spilled water, but sweat stain sounds more impressive, no?)

Lest you think that we missed a lap or two...  35 up, 35 down.

And finally, in return for being quiet during the shooting, I promised Molly that I would make a video of her.  I asked what she wanted to do and her answer was "Princess."  So, without further ado, Molly:

DFL 2015 Week 2: THE JINX!!!!

Well after Terri's brilliant display of hubris, Patrick dispensed justice in the only way that he knew how.  He threw a hex down on House Garaffa.  Normally, I'm  not a big fan of witchcraft, but in this particular case, I think that it was used properly and effectively.  Seeing such a fundamental collapse of the Garaffa institution left me with a feeling that I cannot put into words.  Only an angel sent from heaven could possibly attempt to convey my happiness:

Yeah, that's the stuff...

So excited to make this write up tonight!  So, let's get into it.

First off, elimination league.  This is big news.  BIG NEWS. Not since 2012 have we had someone with a perfectly short elimination season.  That's right, Mike pulled a Melanie and made two bad choices in a row and completely eliminated himself.  Since I think that this is his first season in the elimination pool, this is how I imagine he is feeling right about now:

Now, Mike wasn't alone this week by a long shot.  EVERYONE else in the league also took a strike.  Well, everyone that is except for defending elimination league champion Phil!

Most of the strikes came from New Orleans inconceivably losing.  At home.  To the Bucs.  Yeah,I don't get it either.  Skoot chose Baltimore against Denver (and how can you really blame him after the Broncos terrible week 1 showing?), and RA decided that maybe looking for a job would have been a better use of his time than actually making a pick.  (In all seriousness, Dave, how did that work out?  Fingers crossed, buddy!)

Now, let's look at the pick'em league.  Lots of picks this week, but we haven't really had that stellar of a showing thus far.  Skoot was the high man going 4-2.  (Thus catapulting him over me overall from week 1), Patrick and I hit 3-3, while the Garaffas kept the pain going, only picking 2-4 each.  Even more pathetically, the Kookies only picked 1 correct game each.  Sadly, Melanie went 1-5, and even more sadly (but for a different reason), Kookie went 1-0.  So, yes, he-Kookie hasn't made a wrong pick yet this season, but he also hasn't cowboyed up to actually make a real pick either.  Crutch, McClennen and Missy - still time to get in on the action.  The top pick so far has 6 points.  I'm pretty sure that this is how we are all picking this year:

That is to say... poorly.

And, now we get to the actual games.  However, before we get there, lemme just say this about the the NFL this year:  What the hell is going on?  I mean, really.  Nobody knows who to pick for the elimination league.  Gord only knows who's going to win a fantasy game in a given week.  I mean NOBODY broke 100 points this week.  This is all kinds of fucked up.  Commissioner Goddell, please fix the situation post haste.

Well, shit.

So, here we go!

Patrick vs Missy : Patrick not only won this game, but he also delivered the beat down of the week., outscoring Missy by almost 40 points.   How'd he pull this off?  Well, by having 3 players score 5 or less points.  Oh wait, and by having big Ben throw down over 30.  And the Denver D chalking up a cool 20 on their own.  To add insult to injury, Missy actually had line up Nirvana this week.  Asked for a quote after the game:

Skoot vs Melanie:  Well, Melanie tried to avoid the jinx this week by putting a terrible towel on her computer.  And how did that work out for her?

Yeah, that's fair to say. Skoot racked up the most points this week, throwing his squarely into first place, and thrusting Melanie down into 4th.  Melanie got bitten by the "Screw You" rule for missing an extra point.  Not that it would have made much of a difference, but the extra points did get pulled back to the 15 yard line (last year it was from the 2 yard line), so it's no longer a gimme.  Maybe we should think about pulling out the Screw You rule next year?    Oh, and Skoot.  Try not to give Brady a hernia since you're riding him so hard on all of your victories this year...

Mike vs Crutch:  Well, well, well!!  Look who pulled himself into 3rd place this week!  Even with starting Keenan Allen (a mistake that I know all too well), Mike still threw down 91 points this week to Crutch's 66.  Crutch:  Pro tip.  When you have Manning the greater on your team, try not to start a quarterback who looks like this in the pocket:

Yes, I'm talking about Cutler.

Phil vs RA Dave:  Here's a list of very sad statistics from this game.  People who scored less than 5 points:  Luck, Gore, Graham, and Prater.  I know, I know.  But surely one of the franchise players was the highest scorer in the game?  No, that would be Dangelo Williams, who I picked up because hey why not?  But hey!  Allen Robertson pulled in a cool 21 points from Dave's bench.  Who?  Yeah, he's a WR on the Jaguars.  This kinda sums up Dave's team at this point:

Ben vs Kookie:  In the lowest scoring, and yes, most depressing, game of the week, Ben beat Kookie with a whopping score of 60-48.  The especially painful part of this is that it leaves 6 of Ben's starters with some level of injury.  I'm pretty sure that this one image can sum up both of the teams in this game:

McClennen vs  Terri:  And we end with the jinx itself. Not only did Terri lose the game, but she lost her starting QB as well.  Now, Terri, I know that this hurts, but with Romo, you're gonna get hurt sooner or later.  It's best to get the hurt out of the way now.  As sad as this game was, the sadder thing is that with this victory, McClennnen climbed to.... 10th place.  It's painful, it's sad. I can't even find a good image to sum this game up.  So, you get nothing...

Now, don't let this depressing NFL season weigh you down too much.  Remember, the Pope came into the country this week. Historically, when the Pontiff comes to town, the teams get a boost.  I know that he circled NC airspace while waiting to land to meet the president.  And from DC, he's going to head to Philly and New York.  So, maybe the NFC East will finally get a shot in the arm that it needs to limp into mid-season.

And one last thing... look at all of the trades!!  2 trades came in this week!! How about that!  Plus, I just saw that Yahoo! now gives you the option to trade draft picks for next year.  Yay!!  So, get on the trades.  60% of the time, it makes both teams stronger!!

DFL 2015: Week 2 mini-preview.

Just wanted to make a really quick update.  Apparently, Robert Durst is really pulling for Terri from here on out for some reason:

Good luck this week, y'all!

DFL 2015 Week 1: What the HELL was that???

Wait, wait, wait... before we get into this, I feel like I really need to emphasize the title of this blog post one more time:

I mean, really, NFL.  I'm not just asking for me, who got spanked harder thana red headed step child at a leather belt convention.  Manning the Greater gets shut down (which, to be fair, we kinda were expecting towards the end of the season...), Mariota is the second highest QB, and Romo goes buck freaking wild - and he wasn't even playing me!!   Argg!!!!

It's 11 o'clock on a Wednesday night. I'm sleep deprived, work is in over drive, I'm up to my eyeballs in house chores, and I got the OK from all y 'all to maybe take a knee on a week or two, but still I'm  here.  And do you know why?  Well, there is a rule of comedy that says that you should always punch up.  Alternatively, don't punch down.  That is to say, that you should always take shots at the people in charge, as opposed to the people who are stepped on.  So, it's OK to make fun of the president, but maybe making fun of homeless people is in bad taste.

Why do I bring this up?  Because I'm the lowest of the low right now.  That's right, 12th out of 12 possible places.  This is what I like to call "The Kookie Postion".  And you'd better believe that I'm gonna be Tiger Uppercutting the shit out of all y'all this week.

Don't think that the gif of Sagat uppercutting the only original lady in Street Fighter unconscious
is a coincidence.  OK, it was, but how fitting this week!

But before we get into all of that, let's dispense with the pleasentries first, shall we?

First off, Elimination League.  Looks like ten out of eleven picked right.  Three chose Miami (since really, when else are you going to get that kind of spread?), three chose Green Bay, and everyone else was all over the place.  So yeah, kind of well matched games this week.   The only one taking a strike this week?  Mike.  The good news is that he's now in the running for the prestigious Melanie award for Week 2 elimination.  Come on, Mike!  We have confidence in you!!!

Next up.. Pick'em!  Melanie is the queen here, going 5-1 picks.  Mike is right on her tail with 4-2.  Patrick, Ben, and Terri all pulled in 3-3.  RA Dave had a respectable 2-4 this week.  Everyone else got 0 picks right.  The rest of us poor chumps are sitting at 0 picks correct.  The only reason that this is noteworthy is that I (unlike the rest of my winless players) actually made all 6 picks this week.  It just so happens that they were all wrong.  EVERY. SINGLE. PICK. WRONG.  Or in other words:

Cool thing about this clip is that they actually got this to air on Comedy Central,
with a bit of brilliant editing...

So, keeping with my punching up mentality this week, I'm just going to go through the games and tell you why I hate each and every one of you:

Melanie vs Mike: Melanie thoroughly screwed with Mike this week.  She got the high point total, and Mike score the third most points in the league.  Melanie - I hate you because you pretty much doubled your point projection FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER (Yeah, the Rams D against Seattle - that sounds great!!! and Hopkins.  HOPKINS?  Really???)  Mike - I hate you because, well, you are my nemisis and probably always will be.  I gotta stoke the hate somehow, buddy.

Terri vs Crutch:  The only person getting into the centurian club this week (besides Melanie) is Terri.  She didn't get the top marks, but she did throw down the beatdown of the week (which Yahoo! is calling "Biggest Blowout" this year, which is even lamer than whatever tomfoolery they were calling it last year.) on Crutch.  So, Terri, I hate you for practically doubling my score this week.  Crutch, I hate you for not healing my character when he fell this week at D&D.  TWICE.  Jerk!

 Kookie vs RA Dave:  Kookie continues the line of ladies at the top of the league this week.   He did this by kicking RA Dave's ass up and down the field all day on Sunday.  That means, Kookie I hate you for lucking your way to the top.  And even your is pooping lucky stars.  I mean Bishop Sankey??  2 TDs on the day?  Come on!!! RA Dave - I hate you because in week 1, Forte pulled in more points than any game last year when he was on my team.  WTF, mate???

Skoot vs Ben:  Skoot pulled off the tightest victory this week with a point difference of a scant 9 points.  Skoot - I hate you because You stuck with Tom "I don't need no stinkin' suspension" Brady, and he just kicked all sorts of ass against Pittsburgh this week.  (Though that must have been super-bitter sweet for you two watch, so that is nice..)  Ben - I hate you because you picked up Mariota just before I did in the draft.  I've got a good feeling about that one...

Patrick vs Phil:  Patrick kicked my ass this week when my entire team (except for that one that I didn't actually draft- Carolina D) decided that they should start a drum circle and play hackey sack instead of playing football.  Come on, guys!!! You were supposed to be a solid B team!!!  Anways, Patrick I hate you because you beat me in week 1.  Not cool.  Phil - I hate you because of your shitty ass shit team.  Get your head together for next week!!

Missy vs McClennnen:  In the lowest scoring game of the week, somehow Missy managed to suck a little less than McClennen and pulled in the win.  Missy - I hate you because even with your terrible showing this week, you still would have managed to beat me.  McClennen - I hate you because you've got a really strong RB core.  I never seem to draft the right RBs year to year.

That's about it for me.  Man, the Emperor was right!  Giving in to all of that hate really does feel good.  Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to go build a protocol droid to help my mother dust in the armpit end of space for some stupid reason.

DFL 2015: "Pre" Week 1 Rankings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Week 1 has officially kicked off.  But that was a Thursday nigh game.  And really, who evn cares about Thursday night games?  Certainly not the Steelers to be sure.

Crap... the first gif of the year and it's from freaking Glee!.

Anyways, I wanted throw down a blog entry before we got fully into the swing of things.  But, you know, life is busy and so things get a little backed up now and again.  Anyways, enough with the plesentries!!

So, first thing is first. Team names.  Listed here, definitively, in worst to best order:

12 - ScoobyDoo :  Missy.  We get it.  You like consistency, but come on, man!!  Cowboy up and come up with a good name.  By that I mean come up with a great name in theory, but have it horribly, horribly collapse in on itself in practice.  Like NickKurtDale (I can't be the only one to have seen Horrible Bosses 2, right? Oh, I was.  OK, my bad.  Sorry about that).

11 - |=| )--|--O__|:  Ben.  OK dude.  We get it. You won last year.  Move on and change your name.  (Plus your team name doesn't italicize worth a shit...)

10 - The Derailers: McClennen.  Didn't get it last year, don't get it now.

9 - Fright Knight:  Crutch.  OK, OK, changing things up a little, with a theme.  I can respect that.  Just not very much.

8 - Hearthstone=job:  RA Dave.  Again, keeping the theme, upping the ante.  I think that I'd be happier, were it football themed, but I can dig it.  (Barely.)

7 -  Hmmmm...BWW:  Kookie.  Points for originality, but what am I looking at?  Buffalo Wild Wings?  BeWare at Work?  Box Wine Wasted?

6 - Outnumbered: Melanie.  Now we're getting somewhere!  Very timely, but I think that we really could have had this team name before the lil lass came along.  I mean, do you really consider Kookie a full 1 with respect to parenting?

5 - IllThinkOfaNameLater: Mike.  Very nice.  Breaking the 4th wall, keeping things interesting.  Bravo, Sir!!  What a long way you've come since Giraffes every year!

4 - PeeOnYourLife:  Skoot (of course).  While it is a bit crass, it is so WTF, that it made ma LOL when I first saw it.  Slow clap.

3 - PhilFrontalNudity:  Phil.  Dammit.  I really hate not having the best team name in the league. But I have to admit that I love the top two names better.

2 - No Punt Intended:  Terri.  A pun!  And a football pun, no less!!  That's freaking awesome!!

1 - The Walken Dead: Patrick.  Again, this one made me LOL, especially given the helmet.  But this team name leaves the rest of us chumps back in the dust.  Well done.  Well done, indeed!

Now, down to some brass tacks.  Fist on the agenda, draft order.  Here's how it went down:

1. No Punt Intended (Terri )
2. The Derailers(McClennen )
3. Hmmmm... BWW(Kookie )
4. The Walken Dead(Patrick )
5. IllThinkOfaNameLater (Mike)
6. Outnumbered (Melanie)
7. Fright Knight (Crutch)
8. PeeOnYourLife (Skoot)
9. Hearthstone=job (RA Dave)
10. PhilFrontalNudity (Phil)
11. ScoobyDoo (Missy)
12. StupidLittleHangmanThingie (Ben)

And how does Yahoo! think that we did?

1. Terri (A)
2. Crutch (B+)
3. RA Dave (B)
4. Kookie (B)
5. Phil (B)
6. McClennen (B)
7. Ben (B)
8. Patrick (B-)
9. Skoot (B-)
10. Mike (C+)
11. Melanie (C+)
12. Missy (C)

Only one A this year!! And it went to Terri!!  Wow!  Does this mean that it's year of the Terri?  Will she get onto the box for Madden Fantasy Football 2016?  Only time will tell, but I think that it's safe to say that if Terri even gets close to losing a game the entire season, we'll all be booing her:

Let's see, what else is there?  Right, we're doing the pick'ems again this year.  Really good showing on week 1 : 7 people showed up.  Let's see if we can keep the streak alive, shall we?

Elimination league.  Well, until Thursday at 5,we had the usual 8 people signed up.  However, since then, we are up to 11 people!  I'm not sure, but I'm thinking that this might have been the biggest elimination pool yet.  So good job!  This does tell me three things about the league though:
1 - A bunch of people were completely unaware that we were doing this since 2008 (I just checked).  So, that leads me to think that not everyone is reading all of ridiculously wonderful words OR they are just scanning for their names and moving on.  Not cool, people.
2 - People in the league really like to be online at dinner time.
3 - People in the league jump like mad when the deadline is pending.

All of this has been filed away for future consumption.  The end result?  All Y'all are on warning!  'Specially Ben, the mute champion.

Now, one thing that I should probably be a bit upfront about this year... I *might* not (actually closer to "probably not") be able to get through all 17 weeks of blog entries this year.  I know, I know, how will everyone be able to go on?  Anyways, I've been finding myself with less and less time in the last few months, so I'm a bit worried that I won't be able to devote the hour plus every week to pop in and do the write ups.  Consider yourselves warned!!

With that I'm outtie.  Later, suckas!!