DFL 2014 Week 4: Sure, Why Not? Make It a Month of Pain....

So, here we are again...  Another week.  Another complete Charlie Foxtrot on the field.  However, I did have the forethought to set up a camera to capture my reactions during the past month.  Wanna see?  Too Bad:

This is me... The ... entire ... month ... of ... September.  (OK technically,
 Rafi from The League, but who's counting?)

Ughh....as shitty of a week as it was for me, I can take solace in the fact that this was a *really* solid week of football.  Yes, I'm the only 0-4 team left.  BUT! There's only one 4-0 Team left!  (Congratulations, Missy.)  Yes, I received the beatdown of the week (again).  BUT!  There were three games withing 4 points of each other.  Yes, I took some chances and pretty much NONE of them worked out.  BUT!  Geez, you know what?  This week wasn't all that good come to think of it.  Forget good football!  I wanna win a few games here and there!!

Just one thing holding me back....

And before we get into the nitty gritty, I just wanted to pause and point out that we actually have a bell curve of records in the league at this moment.  Well played, boys and girls!  Well played indeed!

OK now to get serious...  Elimination League! Only one strike handed out this week.  And that was to Crutch who picked Pittsburgh over Tampa Bay.  And it was so close to paying off, too!  Only a small field goal separated you from a strike!  Sadly, Tampa Bay successfully kicked both that field goal *and* Crutch square in the nuts.  A policy I fully recommend.  I picked Indy and the rest of you jackholes all picked The Chargers.

Shhh.. Smart money says that most of you jerks pick New Orleans next week.
Jokes' on you though; Brees is on my team and that doesn't guarantee
a win.  Like, at all.

And here comes the pick'ems....  Ben was the high man this week going 5-1.  Melanie, Crutch, and Phil all went 4-2.  From here, we decend nicely:  RA Dave (3-3), Skoot (2-4), Mike (1-5), and finally Terri (doing her best RA Dave impression at 0-1 for some reason).  Geez.. there are a lot of people in contention this year.  How about this... Everyone take the next two weeks off and let me catch up?  Actually, with the way that I've been picking, better make that three.

And let's get to it... *Lots* of good match ups this week.  In fact, if I had time I would have written up a quick preview of all of the sweet-ass match ups!! (Sweet ass-matchups?)  We'll shoe horn it back in there, with the bowl names though...

Well???  How did that Draft Trade Work Out??  Bowl:  Phil vs. Ben.  I'll tell you how it worked out.  Fuckig horrible!!!  OK that's not strictly true...  My two first round draft picks were the only ones who went double digits.  But that still wasn't enough to fend off the slaughter that Ben had planned.  As predicted the QB playing me went gangbusters.  Sadly, that means that his WR, also on Ben's team, did just as well.  Oh, and why not throw in some DeMarco Murray going bananas as well?  Was there anyone else worth mentioning... who could it be? O, that's right!  The Eagles D!  So, that normally would fill me with pride, but the Eagles couldn't score a single Offensive point.  So, that means that the 2 defensive TDs (pick-6 and fumble recovery), combined with the punt return, AND the 4 sacks, just added up to a sad Phil

Battle of the Unblemished:  Melanie versus Missy.  Two undefeated teams face off... always good to see.  Always.  Obviously, Tony Romo was the lesser of the two starting QBs... but WTF??  He still scored 24 points??  And the Defenses also threw down 15+ points each.    (Funny story, the Miami defense laid such a smack down on the Raiders that the Oakland head coach was fired.  I'm pretty sure that the firing conversation went something along the lines of  "The Dolphins??"  "Yeah, I know, but -" "No, no. The fucking Dolphins??"  "I -"  "You know that you're fired, right?"  "Only seems fair.")  Outside of that, Antonio Brown was Antonio Brown, of course. And surprisingly, Lamar Miller was *also* Antonio Brown, only moreso.  The game was within 2 points.  So, Missy might have walked away with the unblemished record, but Melanie still has the most points in the league.  (Except for Ben.  But Ben is way down in 6th place... screw him.)  Do I smell a rivalry brewing?

The Dammit, Skoot! Bowl:  Mimke versus Skoot.  Another game that ended within 3 points of each other.  And you know what would have put Skoot over the top?  Putting in players.  Seriously, I know that the bench is tight this year, but I'm not sure that holding on to Moreno is really going to pay off in droves...  Find *some* Defense and you would have taken this game.  (And given me an extra in pick 'ems.)  Still, the game was within 3 points, and Mike walks away with his first win of the season. I would congratulate you, but that makes me sad.

The Can't Lower Expectations Low Enough Bowl:  McClennnen versus Patrick. So, McClennen started 3 (count 'em 3!) players on BYE week this week.  Sadly, they weren't his low scorers this week.  That sad distinction went to New England on Monday night who replaced their defense with Folgers.  Let's see if anyone notices.  We noticed.  We were not impressed.  On the flip side, Patrick just had to not screw things up, especially considering that his bench was jammed with BYE week fellows too.  And those are just the sorts of conditions in which Stafford shines. 20 points later Patrick easily pulls in a win here.

The Middle of the Pack Bowl:  Crutch versus RA Dave.  What happens when a middle of the league 1-2 team takes on another middle of the league 1-2 team?  Well, you sure don't get nationally televised, that's for sur.  On RA Dave's team, Cousins came crashing down, and Maclin.... well, he was on the Eagles O on Sunday, so we all know how that turned out.... Lacy, Hopkins, Williams, and Crosby all hit double digits (barely), so it wasn't an all out slaughter.  Even with the albatross that was the Panthers' D, Crutch still managed to snag a victory with Ryan almost getting to 20 points, and Charles going buck wild at 26 points.  Again though... 4 of the 6 bench players were on BYE.  This small bench is tearing us apart, Lisa!!!!

The Chattiest Chat Game in all the League:  Terri versus Kookie.  So, Kookie decided to pick up Joe Flacco.  And he pulled down 25+ points and the win for Kookie.  Here's a pic of Flacco after the game:

Nah, just kidding, Joe never gets this emotional.

Frank Gore, Nick Novak, and Steve Smith Sr also tore it up this week for Kookie, barely putting a win in Kookie's column.  On the other side, Solid game for pretty much all of Terri's players.  Blair Walsh was the only one to blow the lid off.  Sadly, the victory could have been Terri's had not Jackson been shut out this week...

And lest I forget.. Don't forget...  This week coming up??  Yes, that's right! It's National beat down week is upon us!  So, please join me in whoopin the ever loving hell out of your opponent this week.  Who am I playing?  Who could it be?  Oh, that's right. It's Terri!!  I have been looking forward to the smack that I will administer since the draft!  Can't wait!  Don't forget to set your line ups, everyone.  But especially you, Skoot and McClennen.

Oh.. And check it out.  This is the 100th post on this blog.  I think that a little celebration is in order:

Man...I need to start watching adult shows again...

DFL 2014 Week 3: Where is the love?

I ... just... so much rage.... I can't even begin to know where to begin...  It's just...

Arrggg!!!!  I thought "Geez!"  Just going up against RA "0-2 and already over-performing" Dave.  *AND* I have a 10+ point project over him.  Easy win.  Able to snap this losing streak.   I mean, hell, even Kookie broke his last week.  Surely I can too!  Nope.  Not only did I not win, I received the beatdown of the week.  From RA Dave.  Correction from 0-2 RA Dave.  (OK OK, 1-2 RA Dave now.)  Think I'm over-reacting?  (Well, yeah, but that kinda breaks my narative, so Hells NO!)  Think again.  RA Dave had 6 QBs in the first three weeks of the game (that is to say a starter and a backup).  Totally all of them except the one who he started against me, they collectively got 9.29 points.  That's not an average.  That's a total.  For  FIVE quarterbacks.  So, who does he start against me?  Kirk Cousins.  Do you know who Kirk Cousins is?  Neither do I. Neither does anyone.  Well, now we know.  25.21 point scoring QB.  That's who.  So, you know what time it is?  It's freak out time:

Want to know what he's saying?  It'll give you a hint. It's starts with an F, ends
 with UCK, and isn't Fire Truck.

OK OK OK....  I'm back.  I'm cool....  Still not locked into First to Worst... Lots of time left in the season.  So, let's get back to protocol.

Elimination league.  Only one strike handed out this week, and that's only because Kookie didn't make a pick.  I mean, really the way that things are going, as long as you make a pick, you're looking good!  That's strike two for Kookie, so he joins Missy and Marie in the eliminated pool.  Thanks for playing.. next year, Kookie, next year.  But the rest of us really shouldn't be so cocky. The only reason that we didn't get eliminated was because we pussed** out.  5 of the 7 still standing took the Pats, with their 10+ point spread.  Skoot picked Indy, who was just a little shy of the Pats' spread, and RA DAve took Chi-town, with a 7 or so point spread as well.  Keep the picks coming, y'all!

Fun Fact:  The insult "pussy" does not have anything to do with the slang for the female genitalia.   "Pussy" (the insult) actually derives from the word "pusillanimous", which means lacking courage and resolution.  All that being said, when I say that Skoot is a pussy, I fully mean that he is a dirty vagina.

 Big, big divergence in the pick 'ems this week.  Melanie and RA Dave both pulled in 5 correct picks.  Ben keeps himself relevant with 4-2.  Skoot takes hit, going only 3-3. Phil, on the other hand has a rocking week going 3-3.  Crutch loses his good standing only pulling down 2 picks.  And then there's the Gs...  1-5 each...  And here's the thing, the one that they got right wasn't the same team.  This forces everyone in the league to collectively ask:

But let's get back to the league itself...  Seems that that we've got some power houses forming up.  Melanie, Skoot, and Missy are still at the top of the heap at 3-0.  Mike and Phil are still looking for their first win.  Everyone else?  Well, they are slugging it out in the doldrums.  Still lots of time to go in the season and lots of time for things to change... but ... well... we'll see...

So here we go with some awards this week, you know, to change things up and keep them fresh.

The He Broke His Leg, Better Put Him Down bracelet goes to Phil for starting 4 (count 'em) 4 Running Backs.  (And I was sorely tempted to put in a 5th!)  I guess that RBs are not the way to go this year... time to diversify!

The 4 leaf clover luck award goes to RA Dave for picking up both Knile Davis and Kirk Cousins this week and having them go gangbusters out of nowhere... Let's see if lightning can strike twice, shall we?

The Siege Lord goes to Crutch for patiently waiting for his crummy players to eventually have a good week and it finally paying off. (Yes, I'm talking about Jackson, Cruz and West all have banner days out of nowhere.)  The crappy thing is that even though he won the siege, his troops all got dysentery and died, as Melanie still found a way to outscore him...

The Ant Haul Mantle goes to Melanie this week for have Andy Lucky and Antio Brown just pick up the rest of the team and carry them on their backs.  Yeah, the kicker and D both squeaked just barely over 10 points, but really, when two players pick up over 50?  The rest is just window dressing.  And enjoy you Twilight-Harry Potter fan fic...

The Sad Aragorn face mask goes to Ben.  What's that?  Why that's when you are going into a tight game against an evenly matched opponent and then are forced to watch on Monday night as the other team *just barely* pulls ahead of you, handing you the loss.  And why is it called the Sad Aragorn face mask?  Well, in addition to being sponsored by Strider, the feeling is summed up perfectly here:

Comforting hand of Legalos not included...

The Holy Shit, Is This What It Feels Like To Be Over .500 award goes to.. you guessed it. Kookie.  Yeah, This is almost as lucky of a win as RA DAve pulled in.  1 - Lucky for Cousins not completely folding under the Eagles' pass rush (so Garcon did well), 2 - Lucky that Da Bears D scored a touchdown.  And, oh yeah, lucky that Julio Jones just kept getting the ball...

A Perfectly Normal Beast Sandwhich is handed to Terri this week.  Nothing terribly good or terribly bad about the starters, just not enough to secure a win.  Though I will take my hat off to you for starting Jackson.  In his homecoming, I was expecting the Eagle D to just manhandle him the whole game.  But as we turns out a TD and 117 yards later, it was a good call.

The It's Not Bed Time Yet, Matt award goes to Patrick for fearlessly sticking by Matt Stafford.  Even with his horrible week 2 performanc, Patrick is sticking by his man.  If truth be told, Stafford's going to have one hell of a back half of the season to make up for these last two abysmal weeks.

Stafford pictured above in his natural environment:  On
his back desperately hoping for a flag that's not coming.

I'm a Sad Sorry Little Man Cowboy Hat goes to McClennen for having his kicker more than double everyone else on his team's scores.

The I'll Do What I Want.  GOSH! friendship bracelet goes to Skoot for basically the same thing, but for Foles doing it.

The Broken Record  award goes to Mike this week for once again having three QBs and once again starting the oldest, most inept one, thus cuttig the point total for his QB slot by half.

The "This is How I Flog My Peasants" cane goes to Missy this week, for clawing a third straight victory and throwing Mike his third straight loss.  And really, shouldn't Manning the Greater be doing better than little Manning?  I mean this week just gave me the Heebie Jeebies when Eli outscored Peyton.  That's weird, right?

Aand that's about it for this week.  Keep those picks coming and cross your fingers... maybe the NFL will start making sense one of these days...

DFL 2014 Week 2: Death is a rare and infrequent side effect

Editor's note:  I am actually writing this after I had a minor surgery today.  So, please forgive me if this is a little more nonsensical than usual.  I'm still a little loopy from the medication.  (Of course, after the week that I've had,I think that pain medication is the way to go.)  Also:  The subtitle of the column this week was one of the lines from the disclaimer that I had to sign.  I thought that it was apropos. 

Before we get into this week's painful performance, please allow me to take you on a ride.  Not that long ago - it was only a year really - was the golden age of fantasy football.  A beautiful time where players did what they were supposed to do.  My moves all were working out...  I just pointed at my opponents week to week and said "I want to beat you."  And it was so.  And it was good.  Fast forward to this year and what do we have?  Pain followed by pain and a forecast of more pain.  Sometimes it's nice just to reminisce...

Ryan knows what's up...

Whelp... let's get to it.  And by "it" I mean the shit stain that was week 2.  As always, we'll start with the elimination league.  *LOTS* of strikes handed out this week.  6 of the 10 players took a strike this week.  Painful... O wait, half of the strikes handed out were for not making a pick.

Spoiler alert:  it doesn't.

Two of the people not picking this week were Marie and Missy.  The former sent an IM apologizing for missing her pick, and the latter I assume decided that her route to glory this year laid in the fantasy league, as opposed to the elimination league.  These two both pulled a Melanie and are fully eliminated now.  Have fun with one less thing to do week to week, ladies!  Also not picking?  Kookie and Patrick.   Geez, guys, come on!  The other two strikes go to Melanie and RA Dave for picking New Orleans and San Francisco.  Both solid picks, but things just didn't work out for them....

Next, let's talk Pick'ems!  The first bingo of the year (and really, the first one since the middle of last season) goes to Melanie this week.  Well played!  Crutch and RA Dave both went 5-1, Ben and Skoot were 4-2.  Phil and Mike G hit average at 3-3, and Terri brings up the rear with a sad 2-4 performance.  So, that leaves Melanie sitting at first place with 11 picks.  The gap between her and RA Dave and Crutch is only 1. Then, the rest of us are spread out pretty nicely with Skoot at 9, Ben at 8, Mike at 7, Phil at 6, and Terri at 5.  Ugh...  I've gotta get myself in gear here.  I usually do so well at pick'ems.  But my reign is slipping here as well....

Now, on to the real (fantasy) league...  Man.. what is going on here? I mean, *nobody* saw triple digits this week!  Plus, we were a witch's hair away from having the all time lowest score EVER in the league.  The record was set by McClennen in 2013, week 7 with 33.27 points.  Terri racked up an impressive 35.93 points this week, so she just missed that dubious distinction...

Ladies' Bowl:  Skoot versus Terri:  Yeah. we'll start here.  Pretty much everything worked against Terri here.  With 7 of  9 (hehe) starters earning less than 5 points each, it really wasn't too hard for Skoot to pull in his second win of the season.  And that's good because San Diego (of all teams) figured out a way to shut down the infinitely good Seattle DEF and make then go negative.  Somehow, this wasn't the beat down of the week....

Feel the Pain Bowl:  McClennen versus Mike.  McClennen just had a banner day...  TE and a DEF that were both in the 20s.  A kicker hitting double digits and Cam "I don't need no ribs" Newton pulling in 11 points... It just doesn't get much better than that.  Sadly, on the flip side of the coin, Mike had 2 (count 'em) 2 goose eggs on his starters.  Were there injuries?  NOPE!  Just WRs that couldn't get open.  Plus, the Indy defense strike again. This time they actually managed to stay positive, but just barely.  And let's stake a look at Mike's Bench - Good LORD!  Still two top tier QBs, one almost doubling the starter and one almost tripling the starter.  But I mean the starting QB was Tom Brady.  So, it's not like it's surprising or anything.

See what you're doing to Willum?  Start someone else, already!

Penn State BFFs 4EVA Bowl:  Ben versus Patrick.  Speaking of quarterbacks, I just wanted to reflect on a beautiful piece of prognostication from last week.  Patrick said (and I quote):  "Silly Phil. Doesn't know that Stafford (barring injury) will be in the top 3 of qbs at the end of the reg season."  With the almost 6 point performance of Stafford turned in against the Panthers, I have just one thing to say:

Rarely do we get such ability to see into the future.  I would like to dub Patrick the official sooth sayer of the league. Anyways, Ben pretty much dominated this game.  And the quote of the week goes to Ben with "(Fantasy Football) is a lot more fun when you win."  True dat, sir.  True dat....

Wait... Where is Everybody Bowl?  Crutch versus Missy 5.  That's the number of players that his double digits in this game.  (And only 1 other had more than 5 points!)  One of them a defense, and another a kicker.   Not surprisingly, Missy had 4 of the 5 double digiters and won this game quite easily.  Crutch, of course, burned all of his luck last week playing me...  Not that I'm bitter or anything...

Battle of the Kickers:  RA Dave versus Kookie  This game is notable for two reasons:  1 - The kickers were almost the highest scorers on both sides of the game. 2 - Kookie coined the term "whoop axe."  This might be my favorite typo ever.  Thank you, Kookie.

I have no more  witty names for games and I better come up with a better theme for next week bowl:  Phil versus Melanie. Yeah, Melanie whooped up on me.  More kicker insanity here. I pulled in 17 points with my kicker, she pulled in 19 with hers.  Luck evoked his name to a high degree and pretty much everyone on my team shit the bed.  Doggone it!

So, here we are going into week 3. I think that we can all agree that we can all agree that I really need a win next week to turn this all around.  Good luck and don't forget to make your picks!!

A Mid-Game Message for Crutch

(For those of you that don't know, here's the situation:

In the DFL, he beat me in week 1, and in week 2, he is well on his way to getting the lowest points in the league.

In the RJC FFL, he received the beat down of the week in week 1, and in week 2 he has pretty much guaranteed that he'll be delivering the beat down of the week to ME.  Bastard!)

DFL 2014 Week 1: It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times (You stupid monkey!!)

Ah yes, with the Simpson's mega-marathon wrapping up just a scant few weeks ago, I figured that I best be letting the references fly lest we forget...

Now, we are all fantasy football veterans and because of that, we know that there's gonna be some wacky shite happening right out of the gate on week 1.  Always has been, always will be.  But seriously, what the hell happened this week?  Insanity.  Don't believe me?  Here's the top 10 QBs:

So, first off, Manning the greater isn't on top. Secondly, Ryan and Stafford ARE. Atlanta and Detroit?  Just... What?  (And lest you think that your eyes deceive you, yes the BACKUP for the Panther is sitting in there as well.)

Oh...and the third highest scorer overall was a Tight End...  but yeah, we should probably dump them from the league altogether.  (Still bitter.)

Now, before we get into fantasy specifics, we should pause for a moment of silence.  The 9 game winning streak came to an end this week, as Crutch mercilessly thrashed Phil.  No words can accurately describe the melancholy in which the league is helplessly mired:

But there is good news!  Another streak, an epic streak, is still running.  Kookie's super-Kookie streak lives on!  That's right, the longest losing streak in DFL history continues as Melanie mercilessly destroys her dear husband this week.  That would be 16 games of back to back loses for Kookie.  And in case you are wondering, Kookie last won a game back in 2012, against Missy.  Those were the days, huh, Kookie?

Now, with that hellish intro out of the way, let's wade into thing.  Starting with the Elimination League...  Only two strikes doled out this week:  My Vajaguar Hurts (that's Marie, if anyone is interested) took a strike when Buffalo somehow pulled out a win against Chicago.  (Editor's note:  Marie's pansy husband is a huge Bills fan...  So this must have been especially delicious for her him.)  The second strike goes to Phil's Pill (Missy) for taking New England over Miami.  Now, I could be a misogynist pig here and mention that only ladies got them wrong, and somehow drawing the conclusion that girls just aren't very good a football, genetically.  However, I can't really do that.  See, at least they had the balls to join the elimination league in the first place.  *cough* *cough* Mike, McClennen, and Terri *cough* *cough*

Next up - Pick 'ems!  Pretty good week this week.  Nobody picked less than half right, though we still don't have a bingo yet.  Most correct picks would be 5 with Crutch, Melanie, RA Dave, and Skoot.  Then, Ben and Mike G picked up 4 correct.  Meanwhile, Phil and Terri brought up the rear with 3 picks apeice.  McClennen, Patrick, Kookie, and Missy obviously thought that something was more important than this meta-meta game.  On one hand, good for them for doing something productive with their lives.  On the other... for shame!  FOR SHAME!!!

Wait - holy shit... Did I just say that RA Dave was in first place in the pick'ems?  What the hell man? I mean, it was weird week, but this is downright ridicu!!

Finally, let's hit the 6 fantasy games this week.  First up, we'll do the battle of the spouses.  We had two, count 'em  TWO intra-house games this week, and it was delicious!

Giraffe Fight!  Terri versus Mike.  Oh, man I wish that it was as dramatic as this:

Sadly, not really.  Terri had a damn fine game, racking up 75 points.  Mike, on the other hand, decided to fill fully 2/3 of his bench with QBs (and start another).  And of all these QBs, Mike decided that Tom "Remember when I was to be feared?" Brady was the one to start.  Also, just as wise a choice, Miek decided that playing a defense against Manning the greater would be a swell idea. They were projectsd to lose about a point.  Sadly, they couldn't rise to even that lowly set bar and lost 2.5.  The one shining spot was that He does have Julius Thomas, who scored almost half of Playing4Revenge's points.  (fun fact:  Terri played her team so hard that not one but two players are out next week.  Rah!)

A Rumble in OHIO:  Melanie versus Kookie.  Not only did Melanie over perform, but Kookie well underperformed.  So, the slide to painsville (Cleveland) continues for Kookie.But hey, at least you didn't get the beat down of the week.  That dubious honor goes to RA Dave

NEEEEERDDD Bowl 2014:  Patrick versus RA Dave.  Dave managed to put down more points that almost half the league,   Sadly, that doesn't really matter when Matt Stafford does his best Manning the Greater impression and throws down 27 points.  Also, it didn't help that RA Dave's QBs totaled just shy of 3 points.  Geez man, if only there was someone in the league who has an overabundance of QBs and a pretty crap team outside of it...  Maybe a trade could go down?   Maybe?  Who could it be?  I'll give you a hint: it's Mike.  Embrace the year of the trade, lads!  Also, it should be noted that while Dave does take home the beat down of the week this week, this game was projected to be within .44 points, with RA Dave on top.

Battle of the Under Performing QBs:  Ben versus Skoot...  Yeah, Rodgers and Foles should be kind of in the elite category here, but neither one got to even half of their projections.  Skoot was just shy of taking home the top points, but Ben, in traditional Ben fashion has the highest points of all of the losing teams this week.  So, right on, Ben. Enjoy your throne from atop shite mountain.

Shhh!!! we don't talk bowl..  McClennnen versus Missy.  Well, this is a case of take a quick peak at the questionable players on Sunday morning for McClennen.  Cam Newton was pulled at the last minute due to, you know, the cracked rib from the pre-season.  Then when Ellington turned in a goose egg, there just want's much to be done.  Now, in all fairness, Missy was taking this one home in a bag since she started Manning the Greater, but she barely pulled in 70 points for her team.  I think that we were all expecting more, Manning... For shame, for shame...
Editor's note:  Well, don't I look like an asshole.  After giving these two a hard time for not talking, Missy goes and throws some smack down on Friday.  Well said, Missy!

The Everything is stupid and I hate this game bowl:  Phil versus Crutch.  Yeah, I got spanked.  And I was only 1 move away from Lineup Nirvana.  Damn....But in my defense if Matt "bullshit luck doesn't strike in back to back weeks" Ryan didn't have the luckiest game in history I would have gotten a chance to win this one.  We'll meet again, Crutch, when you team is tired, we'll meet again....

A few last points:

• Only the women won this week.  Come on, guys, I know that we don't want to hurt them, but let's pull out the pain for next week, eh?  (And in case I'm being too subtle here: Yes, I'm calling Patrick, Skoot and Crutch girls.)  (Also, to be crystal clear, I'm saying that in an insulting way...)
• Holy shit is this 3 bench slot thing killing me?  Anyone else feeling the burn?
• McClennen, Mike... yeah.  I know it's week 1 and things are crazy, but maybe try not to nosedive quite so hard, hmmmm?  Only one of us can be Kookie, and sadly, you two are putting him to shame..
• Missy and Phil are leading the pack with 4 move apiece.  Kookie is getting shut out so far.  
• And finally, I would be remiss if I didn't include this pic this week:

Screw you, Cleveland!!

DFL 2014: Let the pain begin!

Welcome, welcome, welcome everyone to the 2014 DFL season.  Since tomorrow night is the NFL kick off, I figure that I should probably do an intro post to get everyone jazzed up about it!  (Sadly, as a side note, I'm not 100% certain that I'm going to be able to do a wrap up post every week this year.  Things are just getting busier and busier!  Case in point - I've been trying to get this blog post up for about a week and a half now.  Though if anyone wants to sign up to do a guest blog, please feel free!  I'm always open to see all y'alls writing style.  Though I do think that some of you would just post a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.  :) )

OK, first and foremost - we are doing the elimination league again this year!  Still time to get your picks in, as kick off is just about 24 hours away!  Same as always, 2 strikes you're out.  (Personally,I'm just hoping for a lot of upsets this year, so that Ben "AlwayspPick the biggest blow out" gets knocked out earlier than Melanie.  I know it's hard to get knocked out *before* Melanie, but I'm sure that Ben could find a way!)

Next, we will also be doing the Pick'ems again this year.  Since this seems to be the only thing that Crutch is good at, I say that we all rally and beat the hell out of him this year.  Is it a deal?  I sure hope so!  (Though I guess that I don't really need to stress on this particular point as it looks like 3 people have already made their picks.  Right on!)

And now we get to the heart of the matter.  The real game.  Well, the real fantasy game.  This was a unique draft this year as it was the first time that we actually had an ordered draft (reverse of the finishing order) AND we had our first ever draft trade!  I'm still not entirely convinced that it will work out well for me, but just to remind everyone, I traded my 2nd, 3rd, and 5th round picks for Ben's 1st, 8th, and 11th round picks.  So, with that said, I'm dubbing this season THE YEAR OF THE TRADE!!  I fully expect to see more coming down the pike.  (Especially since you bastards voted to have *3* bench slots....  Jeez Louise man!!)

So, for posterity's sake, here was the draft order:

1. Kookie (FU-Y!)
2. RA Dave (Hearthstone is Crack)
3. Crutch (Knightly Yardage)
4. Melanie (Party of Five)
5. Skoot (Suck it, Marisa!)
6. Ben (stupid hangman thingie)
7. Missy (ScoobyDoo)
8. Terri (WifeOfREAL2013Champ)
9. Patrick (+5 Shirt of Groveling)
10. McClennen (The Derailers)
11. Mike (Playing4Revenge)
12. Phil (LicenseToPhil)

And here is how Yahoo! ranked us right out of the gate:

Not Pictured:  Missy's smug sense of satisfaction.

Now, I know what you're all thinking, because I'm thinking it too.  Tell 'em Walt Jr:

A year later and I'm still not over Breaking Bad.

Yeah, it seems that Yahoo! got into the Blue Sky again (see what I did there?) and gave us ridiculous ratings.  I mean, yeah Missy picked up Manning the greater with her first pick.  But then she burned  her second on a Cowgirl.  And by the fifth round, Gronk?  Really?  Cuz I'm pretty sure that Brady will just be phoning it in this year.  Did you see the Pats running game last year?  Ask McClennen. He stuck by Brady the entire year last year.  Loyal?  Yes.  Smart?  No.  Though I think that my favorite of the predictions was Ben, who was rated as 4th best draft, and is predicted at finishing barely over .500 this year. So, maybe Yahoo! isn't too far off....

Oh, and speaking of predictions, I just wanted to remind everyone of this little gem from right about this time last year:

"Aaaaaaand this is why Kookie and I will crush the league. Without waivers, i just walked over and picked up Julius Thomas the this morning. If i'm the first guy up the morning (as i remember kookie being too) we're just gonna snatch up all the good picks each week."

That wonderful quote came from "Punxsutawney" Skoot,  Just to remind everyone, Skoot was The Bitch of the Playoffs and Kookie had a perfect Kookie season last year.  That is to say, Kookie went 0-14 and had 150 points less than the next person.  So congratulations on the prognostication, Skoot:

This was the only picture that I could post of Miss Lawrence,
given the family nature of this blog.

Now, without the skill to actually do predictions, I'm going to do what I do best

Well, besides dance like an *animal*.  I'm going to look at each of your team names and rank you based on that.
1.  License to Phil (Phil)
Yeah, I'm a sucker for puns, and I think that this might be my best one.  I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to win much this year (with the freaking last draft - I mean, come on!!  THIS was the year that I had to figure it out??), so I will gladly accept this.

2. Playing4Revenge (Mike)
I've gotta say, I love continuity.  I love the fact that we got a rivalry going from last year's championship.  I love that Mike has a sense of humour about the whole thing.  And I *really* love that Yahoo! ranked him dead last in the draft!  Some, come take the silver, Mike.  You seem to like it so!

3. WifeOfREAL2013Champ (Terri)
I'm pretty sure that in the history of the league there have only been like 3 team names that have made me snort with laughter when I saw them.  This is the only team name that made me sit up and go "oo oo oo!!  I need to write about this name!"**  So, well done with this name, Terri!  (You lost out on top rank because of lack of pun and runner up because I really wanted one more "You lost to me!" dig at your husband.)

4. Suck it, Marissa! (Skoot)
I am just basking in the utter beauty that is the level of bitterness that went into Skoot's team name this year.  For those of you that don't know, Yahoo! made you put a phone number in to allow you to sign in somewhere around April this year.  Skoot tried to put in his Google Voice Number (254-LIL-BTCH, if you're wondering), but Yahoo! rejected him.  So, instead of just using a real number like a regular person, he cancelled his Yahoo! account, railed against the new policy for few months, then re-activated his account again.  Once again proving that the house always wins.  Bonus points for the excellent avatar that Skoot came up with.

5. +5 Shirt of Groveling (Patrick)
Funny?  Check.  Simple?  Check.  Nerdy?  Double Check.  Also, added a custom avatar.  I'm assuming that Patrick just found the image as opposed to creating it like Skoot, but well done either way:

6. FU-Y! (Kookie)
Jumping on the anti-Free service that we have all used for well over a decade bandwagon, Kookie managed to drop the F bomb in the most classy and succinct way possible.  Well done, Sir!

7. Party of Five (Melanie)
This is perhaps the most substantial team name in the league, given that it's a preggers announcement.  Plus, it's got the nostalgia part down, what with the 90s TV show staring the leprechaun.  So, congratulations to you for keeping it both real and classy.  Unlike your uncouth husband who tried to hide an F bomb in his team name.  Also, considering that you are in Cleveland now, and with the propensity for boys in your family, I am assuming that you'll be naming the lilun either Lebron or Johnny.  So, say hi to the little guy for me when he makes his appearance,  yeah?

8.  Hearthstone is crack (RA Dave)
I'm assuming that he got an endorsement deal for this team name.  I'm not above branding and I would gladly accept bids on my team name next year.(And shit... now I have to play it just to find out if it's any good....)

--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--x--
(See that line right above?  That's the barb wire of boredom!!  The teams below have the same banal names from last year.  So, yeah, you are technically ranked, but still the highest below this line is like the skinniest kid at fat camp.)

9. ScoobyDoo (Missy)
She's been sitting on this name (and appropriately receiving the jeers) for years.  But what do I know?  She does have the top ranked team.  (Stupid Peyton Manning!)

10.  Knightly Yardage (Crutch)
OK, we get it.  You're in the SCA.  You play D&D.  You make your own medieval armor.  You got married at the Ren Faire.  (All of these facts are both awesome and true.)  But come on.. this is like the fourth time that you've used this name!  Move on Sir!

11. |__O-|( |=| (Ben)
OK, I admit it... it's cool ascii art.  but it's a pain to type, and you've already used it.  Really, the only reason that you're not ranked lower is because I am just disappointed in McClennen's lack of creativity..

12.  The Derailers (McClennen)
Wasn't funny last year, and I still don't get it.  Come on, man!  You got this!  Better name next year!! (Or maybe this year?  There's still time!)

And that's about it!  Get to your picks, and enjoy the year!  Here's hoping no first to worst!!

**With respect to team names, special mention goes to a coach's team in another league who just had a kid and named his team "My couch pulls out, but I don't."  Certainly on the nose and crass, but it still tickles my funny bone even as I write this.