DFL 2014 Week 2: Death is a rare and infrequent side effect

Editor's note:  I am actually writing this after I had a minor surgery today.  So, please forgive me if this is a little more nonsensical than usual.  I'm still a little loopy from the medication.  (Of course, after the week that I've had,I think that pain medication is the way to go.)  Also:  The subtitle of the column this week was one of the lines from the disclaimer that I had to sign.  I thought that it was apropos. 

Before we get into this week's painful performance, please allow me to take you on a ride.  Not that long ago - it was only a year really - was the golden age of fantasy football.  A beautiful time where players did what they were supposed to do.  My moves all were working out...  I just pointed at my opponents week to week and said "I want to beat you."  And it was so.  And it was good.  Fast forward to this year and what do we have?  Pain followed by pain and a forecast of more pain.  Sometimes it's nice just to reminisce...

Ryan knows what's up...

Whelp... let's get to it.  And by "it" I mean the shit stain that was week 2.  As always, we'll start with the elimination league.  *LOTS* of strikes handed out this week.  6 of the 10 players took a strike this week.  Painful... O wait, half of the strikes handed out were for not making a pick.

Spoiler alert:  it doesn't.

Two of the people not picking this week were Marie and Missy.  The former sent an IM apologizing for missing her pick, and the latter I assume decided that her route to glory this year laid in the fantasy league, as opposed to the elimination league.  These two both pulled a Melanie and are fully eliminated now.  Have fun with one less thing to do week to week, ladies!  Also not picking?  Kookie and Patrick.   Geez, guys, come on!  The other two strikes go to Melanie and RA Dave for picking New Orleans and San Francisco.  Both solid picks, but things just didn't work out for them....

Next, let's talk Pick'ems!  The first bingo of the year (and really, the first one since the middle of last season) goes to Melanie this week.  Well played!  Crutch and RA Dave both went 5-1, Ben and Skoot were 4-2.  Phil and Mike G hit average at 3-3, and Terri brings up the rear with a sad 2-4 performance.  So, that leaves Melanie sitting at first place with 11 picks.  The gap between her and RA Dave and Crutch is only 1. Then, the rest of us are spread out pretty nicely with Skoot at 9, Ben at 8, Mike at 7, Phil at 6, and Terri at 5.  Ugh...  I've gotta get myself in gear here.  I usually do so well at pick'ems.  But my reign is slipping here as well....

Now, on to the real (fantasy) league...  Man.. what is going on here? I mean, *nobody* saw triple digits this week!  Plus, we were a witch's hair away from having the all time lowest score EVER in the league.  The record was set by McClennen in 2013, week 7 with 33.27 points.  Terri racked up an impressive 35.93 points this week, so she just missed that dubious distinction...

Ladies' Bowl:  Skoot versus Terri:  Yeah. we'll start here.  Pretty much everything worked against Terri here.  With 7 of  9 (hehe) starters earning less than 5 points each, it really wasn't too hard for Skoot to pull in his second win of the season.  And that's good because San Diego (of all teams) figured out a way to shut down the infinitely good Seattle DEF and make then go negative.  Somehow, this wasn't the beat down of the week....

Feel the Pain Bowl:  McClennen versus Mike.  McClennen just had a banner day...  TE and a DEF that were both in the 20s.  A kicker hitting double digits and Cam "I don't need no ribs" Newton pulling in 11 points... It just doesn't get much better than that.  Sadly, on the flip side of the coin, Mike had 2 (count 'em) 2 goose eggs on his starters.  Were there injuries?  NOPE!  Just WRs that couldn't get open.  Plus, the Indy defense strike again. This time they actually managed to stay positive, but just barely.  And let's stake a look at Mike's Bench - Good LORD!  Still two top tier QBs, one almost doubling the starter and one almost tripling the starter.  But I mean the starting QB was Tom Brady.  So, it's not like it's surprising or anything.

See what you're doing to Willum?  Start someone else, already!

Penn State BFFs 4EVA Bowl:  Ben versus Patrick.  Speaking of quarterbacks, I just wanted to reflect on a beautiful piece of prognostication from last week.  Patrick said (and I quote):  "Silly Phil. Doesn't know that Stafford (barring injury) will be in the top 3 of qbs at the end of the reg season."  With the almost 6 point performance of Stafford turned in against the Panthers, I have just one thing to say:

Rarely do we get such ability to see into the future.  I would like to dub Patrick the official sooth sayer of the league. Anyways, Ben pretty much dominated this game.  And the quote of the week goes to Ben with "(Fantasy Football) is a lot more fun when you win."  True dat, sir.  True dat....

Wait... Where is Everybody Bowl?  Crutch versus Missy 5.  That's the number of players that his double digits in this game.  (And only 1 other had more than 5 points!)  One of them a defense, and another a kicker.   Not surprisingly, Missy had 4 of the 5 double digiters and won this game quite easily.  Crutch, of course, burned all of his luck last week playing me...  Not that I'm bitter or anything...

Battle of the Kickers:  RA Dave versus Kookie  This game is notable for two reasons:  1 - The kickers were almost the highest scorers on both sides of the game. 2 - Kookie coined the term "whoop axe."  This might be my favorite typo ever.  Thank you, Kookie.

I have no more  witty names for games and I better come up with a better theme for next week bowl:  Phil versus Melanie. Yeah, Melanie whooped up on me.  More kicker insanity here. I pulled in 17 points with my kicker, she pulled in 19 with hers.  Luck evoked his name to a high degree and pretty much everyone on my team shit the bed.  Doggone it!

So, here we are going into week 3. I think that we can all agree that we can all agree that I really need a win next week to turn this all around.  Good luck and don't forget to make your picks!!