DFL 2014 Week 1: It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times (You stupid monkey!!)

Ah yes, with the Simpson's mega-marathon wrapping up just a scant few weeks ago, I figured that I best be letting the references fly lest we forget...

Now, we are all fantasy football veterans and because of that, we know that there's gonna be some wacky shite happening right out of the gate on week 1.  Always has been, always will be.  But seriously, what the hell happened this week?  Insanity.  Don't believe me?  Here's the top 10 QBs:

So, first off, Manning the greater isn't on top. Secondly, Ryan and Stafford ARE. Atlanta and Detroit?  Just... What?  (And lest you think that your eyes deceive you, yes the BACKUP for the Panther is sitting in there as well.)

Oh...and the third highest scorer overall was a Tight End...  but yeah, we should probably dump them from the league altogether.  (Still bitter.)

Now, before we get into fantasy specifics, we should pause for a moment of silence.  The 9 game winning streak came to an end this week, as Crutch mercilessly thrashed Phil.  No words can accurately describe the melancholy in which the league is helplessly mired:

But there is good news!  Another streak, an epic streak, is still running.  Kookie's super-Kookie streak lives on!  That's right, the longest losing streak in DFL history continues as Melanie mercilessly destroys her dear husband this week.  That would be 16 games of back to back loses for Kookie.  And in case you are wondering, Kookie last won a game back in 2012, against Missy.  Those were the days, huh, Kookie?

Now, with that hellish intro out of the way, let's wade into thing.  Starting with the Elimination League...  Only two strikes doled out this week:  My Vajaguar Hurts (that's Marie, if anyone is interested) took a strike when Buffalo somehow pulled out a win against Chicago.  (Editor's note:  Marie's pansy husband is a huge Bills fan...  So this must have been especially delicious for her him.)  The second strike goes to Phil's Pill (Missy) for taking New England over Miami.  Now, I could be a misogynist pig here and mention that only ladies got them wrong, and somehow drawing the conclusion that girls just aren't very good a football, genetically.  However, I can't really do that.  See, at least they had the balls to join the elimination league in the first place.  *cough* *cough* Mike, McClennen, and Terri *cough* *cough*

Next up - Pick 'ems!  Pretty good week this week.  Nobody picked less than half right, though we still don't have a bingo yet.  Most correct picks would be 5 with Crutch, Melanie, RA Dave, and Skoot.  Then, Ben and Mike G picked up 4 correct.  Meanwhile, Phil and Terri brought up the rear with 3 picks apeice.  McClennen, Patrick, Kookie, and Missy obviously thought that something was more important than this meta-meta game.  On one hand, good for them for doing something productive with their lives.  On the other... for shame!  FOR SHAME!!!

Wait - holy shit... Did I just say that RA Dave was in first place in the pick'ems?  What the hell man? I mean, it was weird week, but this is downright ridicu!!

Finally, let's hit the 6 fantasy games this week.  First up, we'll do the battle of the spouses.  We had two, count 'em  TWO intra-house games this week, and it was delicious!

Giraffe Fight!  Terri versus Mike.  Oh, man I wish that it was as dramatic as this:

Sadly, not really.  Terri had a damn fine game, racking up 75 points.  Mike, on the other hand, decided to fill fully 2/3 of his bench with QBs (and start another).  And of all these QBs, Mike decided that Tom "Remember when I was to be feared?" Brady was the one to start.  Also, just as wise a choice, Miek decided that playing a defense against Manning the greater would be a swell idea. They were projectsd to lose about a point.  Sadly, they couldn't rise to even that lowly set bar and lost 2.5.  The one shining spot was that He does have Julius Thomas, who scored almost half of Playing4Revenge's points.  (fun fact:  Terri played her team so hard that not one but two players are out next week.  Rah!)

A Rumble in OHIO:  Melanie versus Kookie.  Not only did Melanie over perform, but Kookie well underperformed.  So, the slide to painsville (Cleveland) continues for Kookie.But hey, at least you didn't get the beat down of the week.  That dubious honor goes to RA Dave

NEEEEERDDD Bowl 2014:  Patrick versus RA Dave.  Dave managed to put down more points that almost half the league,   Sadly, that doesn't really matter when Matt Stafford does his best Manning the Greater impression and throws down 27 points.  Also, it didn't help that RA Dave's QBs totaled just shy of 3 points.  Geez man, if only there was someone in the league who has an overabundance of QBs and a pretty crap team outside of it...  Maybe a trade could go down?   Maybe?  Who could it be?  I'll give you a hint: it's Mike.  Embrace the year of the trade, lads!  Also, it should be noted that while Dave does take home the beat down of the week this week, this game was projected to be within .44 points, with RA Dave on top.

Battle of the Under Performing QBs:  Ben versus Skoot...  Yeah, Rodgers and Foles should be kind of in the elite category here, but neither one got to even half of their projections.  Skoot was just shy of taking home the top points, but Ben, in traditional Ben fashion has the highest points of all of the losing teams this week.  So, right on, Ben. Enjoy your throne from atop shite mountain.

Shhh!!! we don't talk bowl..  McClennnen versus Missy.  Well, this is a case of take a quick peak at the questionable players on Sunday morning for McClennen.  Cam Newton was pulled at the last minute due to, you know, the cracked rib from the pre-season.  Then when Ellington turned in a goose egg, there just want's much to be done.  Now, in all fairness, Missy was taking this one home in a bag since she started Manning the Greater, but she barely pulled in 70 points for her team.  I think that we were all expecting more, Manning... For shame, for shame...
Editor's note:  Well, don't I look like an asshole.  After giving these two a hard time for not talking, Missy goes and throws some smack down on Friday.  Well said, Missy!

The Everything is stupid and I hate this game bowl:  Phil versus Crutch.  Yeah, I got spanked.  And I was only 1 move away from Lineup Nirvana.  Damn....But in my defense if Matt "bullshit luck doesn't strike in back to back weeks" Ryan didn't have the luckiest game in history I would have gotten a chance to win this one.  We'll meet again, Crutch, when you team is tired, we'll meet again....

A few last points:

• Only the women won this week.  Come on, guys, I know that we don't want to hurt them, but let's pull out the pain for next week, eh?  (And in case I'm being too subtle here: Yes, I'm calling Patrick, Skoot and Crutch girls.)  (Also, to be crystal clear, I'm saying that in an insulting way...)
• Holy shit is this 3 bench slot thing killing me?  Anyone else feeling the burn?
• McClennen, Mike... yeah.  I know it's week 1 and things are crazy, but maybe try not to nosedive quite so hard, hmmmm?  Only one of us can be Kookie, and sadly, you two are putting him to shame..
• Missy and Phil are leading the pack with 4 move apiece.  Kookie is getting shut out so far.  
• And finally, I would be remiss if I didn't include this pic this week:

Screw you, Cleveland!!