DFL 2018 Week 3: Football is stupid and I hate it.

Didja see the games this weekend?

Didja *hear* about the games this weekend?

Cuz if either of those answers is yes, then you know what I'm talking about.

Kenneth gets it.

 So,I'm just going to run down a few things that are confusing the ever loving shit out of me:

1. The Browns broke a 2 year non-winning streak.
2. The Browns have a better record than the Pats, the Giants, the Falcons, and the Cowboys.
3. Miami is still undefeated.
4. Arguably the best RB in the league has still not played a single snap and is on the trading block.
5. The Bills somehow managed to spank the living hell out of the Vikings IN MINNESOTA.
6. The Lions beat the Patrioits.
7. The backup quarterback on the Bucs is the highest scoring player in the league.
8. The refs are handing out roughing the passer calls like candy.

I'm sure that there's more, but seriously.  I haven't a clue as to what is going on in the NFL right now.

Yeah, I guess, let's not dwell on it.  Let's just see the tomfoolery that shook out because of it.

Elimination league.  I'll just put this here:

Also, Josh took a strike on the Vikings as well.  (He's not on this list because he's not eliminated yet.)  So, yeah.  Josh, Phil, and McClennen are the only ones left, each with one strike.  But hey, at least I proved my team name right (Phil's Gettin' Past Week 3!!).  Also:

Just sayin'...

Pick 'ems..... Well, Ben continues to have a frustratingly good pick 'ems year (by pretty much blindly picking winners and then having them all hit... ugh...)  So, Ben and Mike both went 5-1, Phil went 4-2, and Josh, Terri, and Crutch all went 3-3.  Honestly, seeing how things played out this weekend, I'm kinda surprised that people did this well.  Here's where we stand:

(On our feet!)

Phil: 13-5

Ben: 12-6

Mike: 10-8

Josh:  9-9

Terri: 8-10

Crutch:  8-10

So.. good luck everyone moving forward, you'll need.  Except Ben, of course.  He seems to have a deal with a luck dragon ...

Just do me a favor, Ben.  Keep your horse away from the swamps, dammit.

And now on to our sad little games this week.  Nobody even broke into triple digits here. And the closest that we got was Mike.  I think that we can all agree that we feel a little dirty any week where Mike is top dog.

Mike (99.19) vs Terri (77.09).  OK I'll admit it.  I love seeing couples face each other.  There's something so very bitter and raw about it.  Since Terri and Mike are the sole remaining couple in the league, I was looking forward to this.  The extra bonus here is that Mike actually delivered the beat down of the week on Terri.  The thing that really hurt?  Terri actually hit line up Nirvana, but Mike did not.  He's still starting two TEs though.  

I mean, you're probably getting this respect from the doghouse,but still.

Steve (71.31) vs D (61.24).   (Side note:  Notice the drop off in points from the winning game to this one...)  Steve came out swinging on this one.  Goff put up best numbers all season.  Johnson, Rudolf, and Adams also hitting double digits.  D didn't actually fair too badly...Stafford, Sanders, and Evans put in solid double digit games, but sadly, it wasn't enough.  Somehow D's bench full of scrubs was able to put up over 30 points.  But when you start scrubs and you bench scrubs... Kind of a crap shoot as to who to start.

Crutch (69.22) vs Ben (54.00).  Well, Crutch somehow figured out a way to keep his undefeated season rolling.  Well done, sir.  And the fact that you finally put in Fitzpatrick, only to have him outscored by Watson is delish! Ben also put in his crazy hot (points-wise, not looks-wise) QB in.  And that's good news too because Mahomes was the only thing working for Ben this week.  Also, side note... Pat Mahomes doe NOT sound like I thought that he would.

More Southern Kermit the Frog as opposed to starting QB, really.

Skoot (67.54) vs. Kyle (50.73)  Hey look.  Skoot's still in it!  Of course, he started 4 players who totaled less than 5 points, but a win is a win.  Especially when Matt Ryan goes off th hook for a 5 TD + 2 2pt conversion game.  Kyle put up some decent numbers (thanks to Howard, Brown, and Thomas), but it wasn't enough.  His bench wasn't all that much better.  But buck up. Next week is a new week.

And any given Sunday and all that...

Patrick (65.43) vs. Phil (63.23).  This... yeah, this was the game that made me really questions what the fuck was going on.  (See, pretty much all of the opening...) Going into the Sunday night game, I had 3 players (Brady, Conner, and Howard) and Patrick was done.  I just needed 20 points and the game would be mine.  Spoilers:  I didn't make it and football is stupid. I don't think that anyone necessarily deserved to win this game, but you certainly deserved to lose it slightly less.

Josh (51.01) vs McClennen (47.74).  Yeah, this was not a pretty game....  This was like an opposite Ben.... If Josh had played literally anyone else in the league, he would have lost.  In fact, if McClennen had guessed a little better with respect to who starts, he would have pretty much doubled his score.  But Josh learns an important lesson this week. If you're heavy on a particular team (in his case, the Vikings), if they have a bad week, you have a worse one.

As if the league wasn't funky enough, next week is week 4.  You know what that means, right?  Here come the bye weeks!  So, good luck everyone!

DFL 2017 Week 3: Nobody knows what the hell is going on.

Yeah, it's still early in the season, and things are kinda up in the air, but seriously.  What in the FUCK is happening this year?

It's even more confusing if you don't know what Lazy Town is.  Actually, in retrospect
it's probably less confusing if you don't know about Lazy Town.

Let's see what's happening in the NFL in week 3, shall we?

• 80 damn points scored in Thursday night football
• The Jags completely murder the Ravens (I mean, Baltimore *is* the murder capital of the East Coast, but still)
• Buffalo beats Denver (and you can shut your gob right now, Skoot.  That's strange by any measure...)
• Cleveland almost won.
• The Eagles had to kick the longest field goal in team history (and only 3 yards shy of the all time longest) to beat the god awful Giants.
• Cincinati forced GB to take them to overtime before they remembered that they were the freaking Bengals.
• And it all finishes with this image:

I mean, it was before the National Anthem, and he was completely in
damage control mode, but still!

And lest we forget the individual players, let's take a look at this insanity:

• Gurley topped the charts at nearly 30 points.
• #2 overall Russell Wilson.  Russell Fucking Wilson outscored everyone except 1 person in the league this week.  
• #4 and #5?  Keenum and Bortles.

I should have known though.  I should have known...  You know why?  The #7 highest project QB in the league this week?  Jay FREAKING Cutler.  Higher than Prescott, higher than Siemian.  Yeah, this guy:

Now, on the plus side, Cutler didn't let it go to his head and spent most of the game in negative points realm, only to finish with 5 points overall.  But you know what?  He still finished higher than Flacco, Rivers, Carr, Siemian, and Cam, PUT TOGETHER.

G-Whiz, what a rough week!

Let's start with the steaming turd of a game that I used to call elimination league.  Now, I will just call it a stupid waste of time.  It was a bloodbath this week.  Everyone took a strike except for Ben, RA Dave, and Marie.  None of which even have a strike yet.  They all picked Green Bay, because that was a gimme, right?  Well, it was a gimme that barely eeked its way out, what with the game going to overtime and all.  I think that the only reasonable explanation for the perfect seasons in this shit show are that all three of them are witches.  If only there was a way to determine if someone is a witch...

We could... build a bridge out of them?

So, joining Kyle in the "Well, at least we don't have to make picks anymore" club is Crutch, Skoot, McClennen, and I.  Yes.  That's right.  in week 3, almost half of the league has been eliminated.

Pick 'em, Pick 'ems, Pick 'ems, Pick 'ems!  Again, all over the place this week.  Mike and Patrick going pickless, but on the plus side Crutch entered into the fray and scored a whopping 1-5!  Ben and Terri split their picks going 3-3 apiece, while Josh made an impressive 4-2 picks.  I'm still on top this week going 5-1.  So, here is where we stand now:

Phil: 13

Josh: 9

Ben:  8

Mike: 5

Terri:  5 (aww.. the love birds keep the same count!)

Patrick:  5 (Though now that I've made the comment on the last time, seeing Patrick also with 5 is weird.)

Crutch:  1

With the way that things are going, maybe we'll get to double digit correct picks by week 6!  

And again, this week we had the upset of the week, where every single person picked a team, and that team lost.  So, well done, Terri for not letting the bastards grind you down.

Now, let's get into it...

Phil vs. Patrick.  This is the game that always makes me sweat year to year.  And Patrick sure as hell didn't disappoint.  He threw down 4 double digit performances, leaving only Carr and Elliott to oppose my razor thin lead going into Sunday night.  As it turns out, Carr completely shit the bed (and, you know, it makes sense - the Redskins and all - what?  O I just don't get it any more...) and Zeke did well, but not enough to snag the victory.  So Phil remains undefeated for the moment.  Anyone else still with a perfect season on their hands?

Ben vs. Crutch.  For the new folks in the league, we have a phenomenon here called "Pulling a Ben" where you score the second highest points in a given week and lose because you're playing the high scorer.  Uncannily, it happens at least once per season to Ben.  What happened here was the exact opposite of that.  Ben scored the second lowest points in the league this week and still won because he was playing the lowest scorer.  Maybe we should call it "Pulling a Neb"?  I dunno.  But Ben somehow limps his way to also going 3-0.

Terri vs. Mike.  From the lowest to the highest.  Terri completely *destroyed* her husband here.  I asked her on facebook whether she was going to throw the game as a birthday present to Mike, to which he replied "Ha!  She's not going to give me this game, I'll take it myself!"  Sadly, it looks like he's taken it right in the butt.

Skoot vs. Kyle.  Well, Skoot needed this win more than anyone else.  He was staring down an 0-3 record, but that just wouldn't stand.   (That's the sort of thing that only the lowest of the low *cough* Mike *cough* can properly stomach.)  So, Skoot came out swinging.  Thursday night, Gurley threw down 30 points himself.  Then, Mariota, Baldwin, and Bell all had 15 point games.  Even with Brady pulling in 30 points on his own, Kyle just had to sit there and take it.

(Also, side note.  Kyle took Witten from my off the waiver wire.  So, I burst into his office this week and called him a Judas.  But I guess that Witten's almost 1 point made that a bit of an over reaction on my part.  Sorry, Kyle.  My bad!)

Josh vs. McClennnen.  I think that Josh's matra this weekend was "FINALLY!"  FINALLY, Dak has a good game.  FINALLY OBJ isn't too hurt to play.  FINALLY McCaffrey gets some play time.  FINALLY Jacksonville's D performed.  OK,scratch that last one.  Who could have seen THAT coming?  Anyways, Josh was able to throw a 30 points beating McClennen's way, sending McClennen to 11th place.

Big D vs Kerry. And here he is........ Cutler in the starting line up.  Accompanied by Maclin who didn't even hit a single point, Henry who didn't en get looked at, and the Seattle D who just got manhandled by the Titans.  D, knowing that he needed a win to keep in top half of the league, brought his A game and won by a solid 20 points.

That's about it for this week.  What does next week hold?

Seriously, who freaking knows?

DFL 2016 Week 3: "FF Sucks, I don't want to talk about it."

I want to first off thank Terri for the tag line this week.  It pretty much perfectly encapsulates my season so far.  However, before we get into the insanely bitter diatribe, I'm going to share some good news with everyone.

One of our very own has a new offspring running around.  He's one of the more quiet ones in the league, so that;s why you haven't heard about this yet.  So, congratulations to Patrick for becoming a father yet again.  Here's a picture of little Winston McGuyver Hutton IV, Esq:

He looks just like you, Patrick!

With that fluttery goodness out of the way, I feel that I have to go on one of my rants here.  Little Winston, you might want to cover your ears.  It's going to get hella-vulgar here starting.... now.

First off, this week.. I .. I just can't even find the words:

Just imagine him saying "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??"
I couldn't find the associated gif...

So, let's start from the beginning..  Going into the week 0-2.  Hungry for a win.  Going up against Mike, even hungrier not to lose.  Thursday night football.  Gronk's been questionable all week, trending towards no.  So, I pick up Ebron.  Should do decently.  But what happens about 6 pm on Thursday?  Shitfuck McDickBag (the owner of the Patriots) says "Gronk's definitely playing tonight."  So I swap out Ebron for Gronk who them proceeds to score 0 points.  Why is that?  CUZ FUCKING GRONK PLAYED 3 SNAPS AND WAS BENCHED!!!

Pictured above, Shitfuck enjoying the super funny joke he played
on Phil.  Sod off, McDickBag.

But it only gets worse.  Because guess what?  I lost to Mike this week.  By freaking .3 points! In the last FREAKING minute of the Monday night game. WHAT ...  THE ... EVERLOVING ... BALLSACK??

So, not only do I get screwed for a TE (again! running total for TE points for the kings this year is 0), but I also get screwed by partial points.  (Both of these are issues that I completely love.)  But on the plus side, I do get pretty high priority on the waiver wire.  So... yay, I guess?  And as a side note, I guess that Mike and I can finally bury hatchet over that little dust up that we had a few years back with the partial points.  Come on, Mike.  Let's hug it out:

OK, OK, OK... I'm calm now... let's talk for realsies.....

Elimination League.  A few more joined the ranks of the 1 strike club.  Skoot chose ARI (which was a pretty safe bet, all things considered) and McClennen picked Pittsburgh, because no way that Wentz could go 3-0, right?  RIGHT???   (As a reminder, Pittsburgh received the beat down of the week from the Eagles this week 34-3.)  And we have our Eponine award for Dave, who is the first to fall, with another Arizona pick.

Cuz the whole "She is the first to fall" line.

And yes, I'm naming awards after Les Miserables now.  That's not the worst one to get BTW.  The worst one is probably the Javert Hat award for bad fashion:

So, enjoy all of your extra time that you have now that you don't need to make picks any more.

Pick 'ems.  On the plus side, I'm not the only one to shit the bed on this particular game this week.  When we do as bad as we did collectively, you know that you're going to make the curmudgeons angry:

3-3.  That's the best that we got this week, guys.  .500  And only TWO people reached those fabled heights.  That would be RA Dave and Skoot.  So, Terri keeps her 1st place position by default (though she only made 5 picks last week - hate it when that happens!) at 12, RA Dave squeaks into 2nd place at 9, and there is a three way tie for 3rd place (Phil, Mike, and Skoot), with 8 picks.  Man, we've got to do better next week!!!

And now.... onto the real league.  I know that I said that I'd do this section first last week, but nuts to that.  Old habits die hard. (Which, BTW, would be the perfect name of the next movie in the Bruce Willis franchise.)

Phil vs. Mike.  Yeah, I think that we've already talked about that enough.

Crutch vs Kookie.  Well, it finally happened.  America finally made its disbelieve illusions save against Palmer's "I'm a competent QB" spell that he cast.  But it came at the hands of ... BUFFALO??  How crap!  they have a team still?  But don't get too cocky, Kookie.  You would have lost to pretty much any other team that didn't go into complete meltdown mode this week.  And speaking of which...

Terri vs McClennen.  Wow.  I haven't a clue as to what happened here.  Terri, deservedly so, received the beat down of the week from McClennen.  To be fair to McClennnen, he was the only one to get into the centurian club this week, but just barely so.  And Terri, whose team really seems better than this, scored a whopping 27.17 points.  The silver lining (maybe brown lining?) is that Terri was able to slide right under the previous lowest score of the league of 27.19 points (from the championship game last year).  So, if you're going to suck, do it with aplomb.  Well, done Terri!

(And that, ladies and gentlemen is our very first gifv post on this blog....)

RA Dave vs Patrick.  This was a painful game.  Shit ton of terrible scores (plus, a bunch of injuries on the bench, so sadly this was close to optimal.)  Newton shit the bed, Houston forgot to bring their DEF to Foxboro... just a cacophony of pain o the field today.  The one shining example was on RA Dave's team...  The Defense.  The 36 point defense.  But that's what you get with you limit your opponent to 3 points, and pick off 6 passes, returning two for TDs.  But seriously RA Dave... some respect?  I mean little Winston was born to this slaughter...

Melanie vs Missy.  Nah, I'm not even going to make a cat fight joke here.  Rodgers and the Philly D went buck wild on Missy's team.  Sadly, Melanie's insane DEF (32 points!!) couldn't keep up.  More and more injuries on the bench too.  This is not shaping up to be a good year.  (And here I thought that I was just me!)

Finally, Skoot vs Ben.  Another WTF fest here.  Two players goose egged here, two others went negative.  (To be fair one of them was Fitzpatrick and we all kinda expected that of him now and then, right?) With Ben's win here, Skoot is thrown easily into lats place.  

Ugh.. I guess that the best that can be said about this week is that it's over.  Next week is another week, right?  (Also, keep your eyes peeled on the waiver settings.  Ben noticed something funky last week and I want to see what it looks like this week.  There maybe be a tweak coming for the released waivers...)

DFL 2015 Week 3: Things is getting cray-cray.

Now, I know what you're all thinking.  Things in the NFL are a little dicey right now.  Franchise players are getting hurt left and right (Rothlisberger, Brees, Cutler), the Bengals and the Panthers are both 3-0, and the NFC East collectively has 5 wins.  I think that we can all agree that things are pretty fucked right now.  But at least we don't look as god damn stupid as this guy:

Yeah, that's his signature line - Cam-o-flage.  Jesus, man....

There's a lot of stuff to be talking about in the DFL at the moment, as well.  Two teams are still undefeated (Skoot and Patrick) and two teams have yet to see a victory:  RA Dave and Crutch.  But I want to give a special shout out to one team this week, and it's none of these teams.  There is one very special team who, this week, stepped up and said "Yes, I will take the biggest beat down that the league has ever seen.  Yes, I will be not only Mike's bitch, but the entire league's bitch."  Yes, that was McClennen.  Mike scored nearly three times his point total, for a point differential of over 87 points.

A shot of McClennen the entire day on Sunday.

McClennen was so pissed off that he decided to change his team name to ThisIsBS.  This is significant for four reasons:

1. This is the first time in his history with the DFL has changed his name from the original "Derailers".
2. This is the first time that his team name makes sense.  (Like *a lot* of sense.)
3. This is the first time in the history of the DFL that a team has had more name changes than they have had player changes.
4. This allows me to re-use one of my all time favorite gifs:

Oh, Walt, Jr.  How we have missed you!

Things are bad right now, McClennnen.  But buck up.  At least you're not RA Dave or Crutch.  And that works on several levels.

But now, let's get into it!

Elimination league!  Not a lot happening here.  No strikes doled out here this week.  Bunch of New England picks, couple of Seattle picks, a few Arizona picks.... and hey!  Even a Carolina pick!  (Thanks, Kookie!!)  But no strikes, so we move on...

That's Michael Larson.  Look it up.

Pick 'Ems!  Great week for Pick 'Ems!  All of the 7 people who picked either went 5-1 (Patrick, Terri, Skoot, and Phil) or 4-2 (Melanie, Mike, RA Dave).  And looking at the distribution, nobody is below .500, except for me and my abysmal 1st week picks.  So, keep it up, chaps!  (If it matters at this point, the high man is Patrick with 11 points, followed by Melanie, Terri, and Mike at 10 points.)  So keep making the picks!  Plenty of time left in the season!

(They probably think that I mean plenty of time to make good picks and catch up.
I actually meant plenty of time to fuck up and let me reclaim top spot.)

And here's the game.

Mike vs  McClennen:  Yeah, no need to beat a dead horse here...  Mike won.  Big time....  Crickey.  Talk about the perfect storm.  Mike easily hit line up Nirvana.  But man...  I mean, nobody on his team is all that good.  (Well, maybe Charles is... but he sure wasn't any other time this season.)  They just all happened to have a good week at the same time.  So, well done, Mike.  Let's see if ou can keep it up into next week.

Kookie Bowl!!  Yay!  I love it when couples re forced to slug it out!  Although, I will say that I've never seen a wife abuse her husband so badly in public.  I mean, Geez, Melanie.  Take it easy on the guy!!  Kookie does get to say "Man, why didn't I start Andy Dalton" though... I mean, how many times can someone actually say that???

Phil vs Ben:  Well, I finally was able to punch my way into the centurian club.  And I did it by destroying my competition by more than twice their score.  The victory did ring somewhat hallow in that neither Ben nor I used the players that we traded last week.  That would have been awesome.  

Terri vs Missy:  OK.. this was a pretty exciting game.  There was just no way that Missy could win this one going into Monday night.  I mean, Rodgers + Maclin would need to beat Cobb + 35 points.  Impossible, right?  Well, that nearly happened. Thig was within a single touchdown of going Missy's way.  Terri barely eeked out this game by a scant 7.6 points.  Great playing, ladies!

Skoot vs Crutch:  Really guys?  The very first time that Skoot shows the tiniest chink in the armour and this is what happens?? Fully half of the league would have beaten Skoot this week and somehow Crutch's entire team just vomited all over itself and hit line up Nirvana by barely getting up over 60 points.  Skoot's paultry 86 points easily overcame that.  (Though to be fair, Skoot wasn't riding Brady nearly as much this week.  This time it was the Arizon D who racked up an *amazing* 32 points.  Fuck.  I'm pretty sure that Skoot has magical powers to be pulling off wins like this so consistently.)

Patrick vs RA Dave. Again... sad, sad score here.  Our other undefeated team has graciously given us some love in the points department by only throwing down 65 points this week.  3/4 or so of the league would have beaten him, but c'est la vie!  Patrick takes this one 65-47.

So, can the undefeateds keep the streak alive?  It's going to be an uphill battle this week, as both Patrick's and Skoot's normally wonderful QBs are out.  Patrick is letting loyalty guide him by picking up Foles Bradford (of course, I said Bradford...  who else would I have said??) and Skoot is playing the Buffalo card by picking up both thier QB and their TE.  I would say that's kinda ridiculous, but what the hell do I (or anyone really) know this year?

Good luck, y'all and see you on the gridiron this Sunday.  And remember that we've got a Sunday Monrning game this weekend.  So, you might need to set your line ups *really* early if you've got anyone on the Jets or Dolphins this week.  (Yes, the NFL decided that the best representation of their brand in Europe was to send West Side Story over to London this year.  Enjoy that, wankers.)

DFL 2014 Week 3: Where is the love?

I ... just... so much rage.... I can't even begin to know where to begin...  It's just...

Arrggg!!!!  I thought "Geez!"  Just going up against RA "0-2 and already over-performing" Dave.  *AND* I have a 10+ point project over him.  Easy win.  Able to snap this losing streak.   I mean, hell, even Kookie broke his last week.  Surely I can too!  Nope.  Not only did I not win, I received the beatdown of the week.  From RA Dave.  Correction from 0-2 RA Dave.  (OK OK, 1-2 RA Dave now.)  Think I'm over-reacting?  (Well, yeah, but that kinda breaks my narative, so Hells NO!)  Think again.  RA Dave had 6 QBs in the first three weeks of the game (that is to say a starter and a backup).  Totally all of them except the one who he started against me, they collectively got 9.29 points.  That's not an average.  That's a total.  For  FIVE quarterbacks.  So, who does he start against me?  Kirk Cousins.  Do you know who Kirk Cousins is?  Neither do I. Neither does anyone.  Well, now we know.  25.21 point scoring QB.  That's who.  So, you know what time it is?  It's freak out time:

Want to know what he's saying?  It'll give you a hint. It's starts with an F, ends
 with UCK, and isn't Fire Truck.

OK OK OK....  I'm back.  I'm cool....  Still not locked into First to Worst... Lots of time left in the season.  So, let's get back to protocol.

Elimination league.  Only one strike handed out this week, and that's only because Kookie didn't make a pick.  I mean, really the way that things are going, as long as you make a pick, you're looking good!  That's strike two for Kookie, so he joins Missy and Marie in the eliminated pool.  Thanks for playing.. next year, Kookie, next year.  But the rest of us really shouldn't be so cocky. The only reason that we didn't get eliminated was because we pussed** out.  5 of the 7 still standing took the Pats, with their 10+ point spread.  Skoot picked Indy, who was just a little shy of the Pats' spread, and RA DAve took Chi-town, with a 7 or so point spread as well.  Keep the picks coming, y'all!

Fun Fact:  The insult "pussy" does not have anything to do with the slang for the female genitalia.   "Pussy" (the insult) actually derives from the word "pusillanimous", which means lacking courage and resolution.  All that being said, when I say that Skoot is a pussy, I fully mean that he is a dirty vagina.

 Big, big divergence in the pick 'ems this week.  Melanie and RA Dave both pulled in 5 correct picks.  Ben keeps himself relevant with 4-2.  Skoot takes hit, going only 3-3. Phil, on the other hand has a rocking week going 3-3.  Crutch loses his good standing only pulling down 2 picks.  And then there's the Gs...  1-5 each...  And here's the thing, the one that they got right wasn't the same team.  This forces everyone in the league to collectively ask:

But let's get back to the league itself...  Seems that that we've got some power houses forming up.  Melanie, Skoot, and Missy are still at the top of the heap at 3-0.  Mike and Phil are still looking for their first win.  Everyone else?  Well, they are slugging it out in the doldrums.  Still lots of time to go in the season and lots of time for things to change... but ... well... we'll see...

So here we go with some awards this week, you know, to change things up and keep them fresh.

The He Broke His Leg, Better Put Him Down bracelet goes to Phil for starting 4 (count 'em) 4 Running Backs.  (And I was sorely tempted to put in a 5th!)  I guess that RBs are not the way to go this year... time to diversify!

The 4 leaf clover luck award goes to RA Dave for picking up both Knile Davis and Kirk Cousins this week and having them go gangbusters out of nowhere... Let's see if lightning can strike twice, shall we?

The Siege Lord goes to Crutch for patiently waiting for his crummy players to eventually have a good week and it finally paying off. (Yes, I'm talking about Jackson, Cruz and West all have banner days out of nowhere.)  The crappy thing is that even though he won the siege, his troops all got dysentery and died, as Melanie still found a way to outscore him...

The Ant Haul Mantle goes to Melanie this week for have Andy Lucky and Antio Brown just pick up the rest of the team and carry them on their backs.  Yeah, the kicker and D both squeaked just barely over 10 points, but really, when two players pick up over 50?  The rest is just window dressing.  And enjoy you Twilight-Harry Potter fan fic...

The Sad Aragorn face mask goes to Ben.  What's that?  Why that's when you are going into a tight game against an evenly matched opponent and then are forced to watch on Monday night as the other team *just barely* pulls ahead of you, handing you the loss.  And why is it called the Sad Aragorn face mask?  Well, in addition to being sponsored by Strider, the feeling is summed up perfectly here:

Comforting hand of Legalos not included...

The Holy Shit, Is This What It Feels Like To Be Over .500 award goes to.. you guessed it. Kookie.  Yeah, This is almost as lucky of a win as RA DAve pulled in.  1 - Lucky for Cousins not completely folding under the Eagles' pass rush (so Garcon did well), 2 - Lucky that Da Bears D scored a touchdown.  And, oh yeah, lucky that Julio Jones just kept getting the ball...

A Perfectly Normal Beast Sandwhich is handed to Terri this week.  Nothing terribly good or terribly bad about the starters, just not enough to secure a win.  Though I will take my hat off to you for starting Jackson.  In his homecoming, I was expecting the Eagle D to just manhandle him the whole game.  But as we turns out a TD and 117 yards later, it was a good call.

The It's Not Bed Time Yet, Matt award goes to Patrick for fearlessly sticking by Matt Stafford.  Even with his horrible week 2 performanc, Patrick is sticking by his man.  If truth be told, Stafford's going to have one hell of a back half of the season to make up for these last two abysmal weeks.

Stafford pictured above in his natural environment:  On
his back desperately hoping for a flag that's not coming.

I'm a Sad Sorry Little Man Cowboy Hat goes to McClennen for having his kicker more than double everyone else on his team's scores.

The I'll Do What I Want.  GOSH! friendship bracelet goes to Skoot for basically the same thing, but for Foles doing it.

The Broken Record  award goes to Mike this week for once again having three QBs and once again starting the oldest, most inept one, thus cuttig the point total for his QB slot by half.

The "This is How I Flog My Peasants" cane goes to Missy this week, for clawing a third straight victory and throwing Mike his third straight loss.  And really, shouldn't Manning the Greater be doing better than little Manning?  I mean this week just gave me the Heebie Jeebies when Eli outscored Peyton.  That's weird, right?

Aand that's about it for this week.  Keep those picks coming and cross your fingers... maybe the NFL will start making sense one of these days...

DFL 2013 Week 3: OK, for realsies this time.

OK OK OK... I'll admit it.  My last blog post was made out of anger.  However, in time anger gives way to another emotion.  Luckily, for you schmucks, that only takes a day or two for me.  The other emotion, of course is "Eh... fuggit."  The technical term is "Ben Syndrome."  And one good emotion pic deserves another.  So, here you go:

Now that this is out of my system, let's take a look at the NFL for a moment, shall we?  Cuz let's admit it.  Week 3 was total bullshit.  The Dolphins are 3-0, there's a three way tie for first place in the AFC South (that would be the division with the Colts and three bullshit teams), the Browns beat the Vikings, the Panthers SHUT OUT the Giants, and the Buccaneers were allowed to score 3 points against the Pats.  I mean, seriously, WTF is going on here?  I think that we should really make week 3 completely null and void. I mean, teams are pulling in half the points that they were getting in previous weeks.  Well, most people are... some people, and I'm not naming names, but some people did particularly well in week three.  Like more than they have scored all season.  Perhaps showing that they have, in fact, a touch of evil in them.  Like I said, I'm not naming names, MISSY.  I'm just sayin'...

Well, It's week three and you know what that means... People are starting to get worried and starting to pick conservatively.  So, no strikes this week, except for one to Missy for not picking at all.  That effectively knocks her out of the league.  I'm reminded of a quote from Rush now:  "Those who choose not to decide have still have made a choice."  Missy chose elimination this week.  And the first one falls.  Boom!

Pick 'em is heating up!  Two folks who traditionally don't get too far with the picks both went 5-1 this week. Very well played Ben and Patrick.  This puts Ben tied for first, and get Patrick tied for the second height number of picks.  Phil and Mik G both went 4-2, continuing their grapple at first place.  Crutch went 4-2 to stay tied with the en fuego Patrick.  Skoot gets on the board with 4-2 to stay relevant.  RA Dave wets himself by only choosing himself to win.  Bold strategy.  Ends up blowing up in his face, but bold nonetheless.

The league itself is keeping things real.  Now, there are no undefeated teams.  All three 2-0 teams took a loss this week.  Everyone pretty much knows that I think this week in the NFL is pretty much bullshit, but that's mostly sour grapes.  It looks like Kookie and RA Dave are still desperately searching for their first win.  But the good news is that *one* of them has to take home a win in week 4 as they are playing each other.  Good luck, gents!

(At this point, I should probably point out that RA Dave is winning the Kookie award this year for making more than twice the number of moves than anyone else in the league.  AND,  he's also dead last.  A position that we affectionately called "Kookie place.")

In the Tight End is a stupid position and we hate it bowl, Ben and Phil both went without tight ends this week.  Ben because his TE suffered a concussion in the first quarter and Phil because they are a bunch of wusses out in San Francisco.  (OK, I *really* tried to write that last sentence to not be homophobic / regionalist, but I couldn't really find a good way to insult the team for benching a player for no reason without insulting their manhood.  I'm very sorry.)  Regardless, Ben took this one because for some fucking reason Russel "This is such a bullshit nickname - the way that I play I don't deserve a nickname" Wilson pulled in 23 points, while Aaron Rodgers a scant 4 points.  WTF???

Anyway, Ben pulls down the "What do you mean my benched TE pulled in 23 points" award for just having shitty luck with the TEs this week.

Phil on the other hands gets... well... take it away, Willy:

(Yes, yes, yes.... Ben delivered the beat down of the week to me this week.  I still call shenanigans....)

Crutch, following my wonderful advice,dropped Romo this week.  Romo, just to show how Romo he is, went ahead and pulled in a 20 point game. So, Crutch, you get the "Screwed By Romo" pendant, presented by Jessica Simpson.  Yep, I went there.

RA Dave ... wow.  Words just fail me.  Your entire team just seems to be imploding on you.  Two top tier QBs, and the better of them pulls in less than 2 points.  Steve Smith, whose team was unstoppable in week 3, only pulled in 3 points.  C J Spiller, your top draft pick, pulled in less than 2 points in a game where his team scored 27 points.  You should feel good that your DEF pulled in over 25 points.  For that, you get the Sisyphus Rock of Shame, for trying your damdest, but the cruel fates just keep kicking you in the junk.

Patrick eeked out a tight win this week riding on (of course) Stafford, Charles, and Bernard... wait.  Bernard?  Giovoni Bernard??  Who the *hell* is that?  Well played, Sir.  And by that, I mean "You lucky bastard".  And for that, you get  the "Roll a Save versus Bullshit" ceremonial D20.

McClennen is finally welcomed to the club with the "Do you see???  This is what happens!!!" crowbar.  It's nice to see you in our ranks. Not only did McClennen take his first fantasy loss this week, but he did it through sheer dumb luck.  Reggie Bush was a questionable player and it was a game time call to bench him.  Going up against Washington, Bush *probably* could have pulled in the 7 and change points that McClennen needed for the win.  Yeah, it sucks, but it's happened to all of us.  Here, this will make it feel better:

Melanie, on the other hand had a different problem.  She made all of the right choices.  Scored second highest in the league.  And was playing the first highest score in the league.  So, you get the memorial Ben award for doing what Ben has done so many times in the past....

Missy wins the Beowulf Weird Ass CGI trophy for proudly boasting "Can nobody stop me???  I am unbeatable!!!"  Did you hear that fates?  That was totally her.  You should definitely teach her a lesson.  

We were all privy to the battle of the massive QBs this week as well, in Skoot versus Terri's game.  Brees vs Manning the Greater!!  Both raking up about 20 points.  And a kicker battle too!!  Both kickers getting into the double digits!  And... well not much of anything else.  No line up Nirvanas on either side.  No big starter misses.... I dunno.  With all of the build up from the first sentence, this game was kind of a let down.   For shame, you two... for shame.....

And we'll wrap it up this week, with the saddest of all games.  Combined, the starting QBs took in -3 points.  Eesh...

Mike G... you , uhhh.. were the lesser of two evils.  So, you get the "It could be worse... could be Kookie stabbed" keychain.  Congratulations on winning with your kicker who scored 17 points.  (And, BTW, having to wait until Monday night to see if you could score more than Kookie's massive 44 points.)

Kookie gets a pass this week... he's moving, packing, buying a house, selling another, etc, etc, etc.  So, he can kinda be forgiven for have three starters goose egg this week.  And only one didn't play due to injury.  That's what makes it all the worse.  I mean, it's not like your wife literally scored twice as much as you did.  Cuz that would really hurt.  O wait...  It's exactly like that.

For real guys...  Let's get the NFL back in order for this upcoming week.  Nobody wants to see this crazy sad playing again.  I mean, even the people who won have to admit that...

Also, don't forget that there are BYE weeks starting on week 4.  So, maybe it's time to start looking at trades??

NFL = National F'ed League - Week 3

      

Thank you. Thank you. And again, I thank you.  Thank you Phil for that horrid introduction.  May the hair on your toes grow longer than your head.  Joy!!!  Can't you give him more to do around the house?  What about teaching Sammy how to make pipe bombs from household chem for the inevitable rise of the machines...or zombies...or worst of all mecha-zombies!!!  I mean wtf?!??  It's like reading a Robert Jordan novel -- 1,800 pgs of "blah blah blah yakety schmackety" before you get to the good stuff.  There's still time for others to do a write-up.  No need for Filthy Phil to do them all (although admittedly, Week 2 WTF NFL??!??!! was deserved).   

Week 6 is still open.  For those of you who don't know, that's the G-spot for trash-talk.  The wheat is separated from the chaff and the gloves come off.  Nuff said...after all for week 3, I'd like to skip the phil-abuster and get right to it.  Unfortunately there's a lot of new people in the ranks.  And I don't know half of you as well as I should like.  And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.  But here goes...

"Best Player on my Team is a TE!" Award goes to...Crotch's Penetrators

What the hell is up with TE's this season?  If this was the first year you ever watched football, you'd think that the Tight End should be renamed the End-Zoner.  Best of luck with DeAngelo.  He really knows when to turn it up...the last 2-4 games of the season.

"Tebow 2012" Award goes to...Lint Lickers

Damn-it, Jim, I'm a Running Back.  Sure you are Griffin.  Keep telling that to Jr & Sr.  And it's so bad that Mike had to BENCH Aaron Rodgers for a better option.  But, hey, maybe this is Washington's year.  Oh wait?  Didn't I just get strike 1 in Survivor League due to them?  Pssshhh...no worries.  I picked Pittsburgh for Week 3...

"Wait!  What just happened!" Award goes to...Taco for the Win

Turkey!  Triple crown!  Three peat!  Tres Victorias!  You could have been a contender... you could have been somebody, but now... Now you're just a bum like the rest of us.  Now if you make a miraculous recovery season -- place or show, it will only be "doing a Ben."  Alas, it's looking like no turkey dance in December.  I was really rooting for you, Joy...which really seems to have brought your downfall, quick.  Let this be a lesson:  He (or she) who drafts best (according to Yahoo/Toyota) can suck it! 

"P-Wing it!" Award goes to...Superion

Melanie had an entire team of Probables going into Week 3.  Way to ride the injury reserve.  F@$king Jamaal Charles!  That ass-clown was my accidental yahoo auto-draft pick last year and he took a SEI (season-ending-injury) in 2011 Week 1.  Now look at him.  All rested and refreshed.  Enjoy it while it lasts.  NE's not fooling anyone -- Welker's about as out of the O as Tom Brady.  Unfortunately their "mind-games" may mean a hot/cold season.  Good luck with the matchups.

"Wait I'm not dead yet!" Award goes to...ScoobyDoo

They're not quite winning games, but Peyton's still got some fight left in him.  I really like the home-town confidence -- Chicago defense still has it.  Now if only they can keep Urlacher from talking in any more commercials...he's got the presence of Howie Long.

"What did I miss" Award goes to...Pittsburgh Maulers

I really think Worthlessberger has a good shot at taking you all the way.  I like your Coldstone Creamery mix-in:  arch-enemy RB & DEF with QB & WR.  Melanie could never have stomached that.  For those that may not know, Dave decided it was time for an emergency gall bladder removal a few weeks ago and took himself out.  Not quite the bloody children death ride of Marie (Skoot's wife & ex-DFLer), but blue-diamonds to you, buddy!  The military took purple hearts, so us civilians got bumped down the Lucky Charms ranks…  Hope you're feeling better.

"Weenie Duel" Award goes to... Philthy Bastards & Uncle Fucker

For those who stayed up to midnight Monday not knowing who was going to win in the midgetone-armed monkey donkey wrestling match that was the low-score slap fest chess match between Phil and Ben.  I came down to the wire, but Uncle Fucker lived up to his name and cost me a pick to win.  Fuck you, Uncle Fucker!  Nice of you two to leave 20+pts on the bench, but to be fair to Ben, I wouldn't have called a Torrey Smith breakout game against New England.  This matchup was about as painfully boring as a few ancient history D&D sessions.  For those of you who think Fantasy Football isn't dorky, may I refer you to evidence #1 -- it's all based on statistics.  Let's see what ol' Leeroy has to say:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkCNJRfSZBU

...classic.

"Defcon 5" Award goes to...Rolling Vengeance & PointFiveDonkey

For laying down some law.  This was the matchup of the week with two rock solid competitors.  (Sorry, Missy, I know you put up more of a fight with Dave, but I think your time at the top is short-fused...it's on the (D-) Fence...ah ha ha ha ha...aaaahhh...)  Albeit Skoot is on borrowed oxygen.  Sorry, Skoot...I don't think your team has it this year.  Pat on the other hand is on cloud 9.  Turner is about the only non-performer on that bench, but that's only due to how hot Atlanta's air corp is.   And unlike your teams of old, I'm looking forward to a potential Vengeance - Mauler throw-down in the playoffs.    Don't disappoint.  I don't have much else to look forward to, because...

"Should have auto-drafted" Award goes to...Olympic Cry-babies!

<sigh>  I put zero-time into planning this year and the lesson here is to use a random number generator.  It's nice having the 2nd lowest Pts against.  I haven't seen a good, easy matchup season yet.  Unfortunately, only putting up the lowest points in the league by 1/3 less makes me Punching Bag 2012.  Would anyone believe that I have a good team in my wife’s work league?  No?  Oh well…on the bright side, at least I get to cry about it like a US Olympian!  ;-)

“Wait?!?!  My best player is a Kicker???” Award goes to…Team Sweet T

Very unorthodox, Terri.  I like your swagger.  Fitzgerald only barely pulled ahead at the last minute.  May you kick your way into the playoffs.  Hard to say which QB to trust.  Each year, Houston wants to be good, it’s just that by Week 6, they seem to die on the vine.  No one would have predicted Tennessee Def.  But then again, this NFL season has combined Doctors Who & Strange.  Does anyone know if there’s a blue-moon?  Saturn’s rays being blocked?  Jupiter's mag field gone astray?  Or some other astro-illogical bullshit?  I’m not sure about blaming the scab ref’s… they do suck and have caused excessive injury and a few unusual losses, but what we’ve seen is well beyond officiating.

Well that about wraps it up.  And, Phil, it’s more like ah-ha funny.  Kind of the way nails on a chalkboard sound funny after 3-4 attempts.

-- Kookie