NFL = National F'ed League - Week 3

      

Thank you. Thank you. And again, I thank you.  Thank you Phil for that horrid introduction.  May the hair on your toes grow longer than your head.  Joy!!!  Can't you give him more to do around the house?  What about teaching Sammy how to make pipe bombs from household chem for the inevitable rise of the machines...or zombies...or worst of all mecha-zombies!!!  I mean wtf?!??  It's like reading a Robert Jordan novel -- 1,800 pgs of "blah blah blah yakety schmackety" before you get to the good stuff.  There's still time for others to do a write-up.  No need for Filthy Phil to do them all (although admittedly, Week 2 WTF NFL??!??!! was deserved).   

Week 6 is still open.  For those of you who don't know, that's the G-spot for trash-talk.  The wheat is separated from the chaff and the gloves come off.  Nuff said...after all for week 3, I'd like to skip the phil-abuster and get right to it.  Unfortunately there's a lot of new people in the ranks.  And I don't know half of you as well as I should like.  And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.  But here goes...

"Best Player on my Team is a TE!" Award goes to...Crotch's Penetrators

What the hell is up with TE's this season?  If this was the first year you ever watched football, you'd think that the Tight End should be renamed the End-Zoner.  Best of luck with DeAngelo.  He really knows when to turn it up...the last 2-4 games of the season.

"Tebow 2012" Award goes to...Lint Lickers

Damn-it, Jim, I'm a Running Back.  Sure you are Griffin.  Keep telling that to Jr & Sr.  And it's so bad that Mike had to BENCH Aaron Rodgers for a better option.  But, hey, maybe this is Washington's year.  Oh wait?  Didn't I just get strike 1 in Survivor League due to them?  Pssshhh...no worries.  I picked Pittsburgh for Week 3...

"Wait!  What just happened!" Award goes to...Taco for the Win

Turkey!  Triple crown!  Three peat!  Tres Victorias!  You could have been a contender... you could have been somebody, but now... Now you're just a bum like the rest of us.  Now if you make a miraculous recovery season -- place or show, it will only be "doing a Ben."  Alas, it's looking like no turkey dance in December.  I was really rooting for you, Joy...which really seems to have brought your downfall, quick.  Let this be a lesson:  He (or she) who drafts best (according to Yahoo/Toyota) can suck it! 

"P-Wing it!" Award goes to...Superion

Melanie had an entire team of Probables going into Week 3.  Way to ride the injury reserve.  F@$king Jamaal Charles!  That ass-clown was my accidental yahoo auto-draft pick last year and he took a SEI (season-ending-injury) in 2011 Week 1.  Now look at him.  All rested and refreshed.  Enjoy it while it lasts.  NE's not fooling anyone -- Welker's about as out of the O as Tom Brady.  Unfortunately their "mind-games" may mean a hot/cold season.  Good luck with the matchups.

"Wait I'm not dead yet!" Award goes to...ScoobyDoo

They're not quite winning games, but Peyton's still got some fight left in him.  I really like the home-town confidence -- Chicago defense still has it.  Now if only they can keep Urlacher from talking in any more commercials...he's got the presence of Howie Long.

"What did I miss" Award goes to...Pittsburgh Maulers

I really think Worthlessberger has a good shot at taking you all the way.  I like your Coldstone Creamery mix-in:  arch-enemy RB & DEF with QB & WR.  Melanie could never have stomached that.  For those that may not know, Dave decided it was time for an emergency gall bladder removal a few weeks ago and took himself out.  Not quite the bloody children death ride of Marie (Skoot's wife & ex-DFLer), but blue-diamonds to you, buddy!  The military took purple hearts, so us civilians got bumped down the Lucky Charms ranks…  Hope you're feeling better.

"Weenie Duel" Award goes to... Philthy Bastards & Uncle Fucker

For those who stayed up to midnight Monday not knowing who was going to win in the midgetone-armed monkey donkey wrestling match that was the low-score slap fest chess match between Phil and Ben.  I came down to the wire, but Uncle Fucker lived up to his name and cost me a pick to win.  Fuck you, Uncle Fucker!  Nice of you two to leave 20+pts on the bench, but to be fair to Ben, I wouldn't have called a Torrey Smith breakout game against New England.  This matchup was about as painfully boring as a few ancient history D&D sessions.  For those of you who think Fantasy Football isn't dorky, may I refer you to evidence #1 -- it's all based on statistics.  Let's see what ol' Leeroy has to say:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkCNJRfSZBU

...classic.

"Defcon 5" Award goes to...Rolling Vengeance & PointFiveDonkey

For laying down some law.  This was the matchup of the week with two rock solid competitors.  (Sorry, Missy, I know you put up more of a fight with Dave, but I think your time at the top is short-fused...it's on the (D-) Fence...ah ha ha ha ha...aaaahhh...)  Albeit Skoot is on borrowed oxygen.  Sorry, Skoot...I don't think your team has it this year.  Pat on the other hand is on cloud 9.  Turner is about the only non-performer on that bench, but that's only due to how hot Atlanta's air corp is.   And unlike your teams of old, I'm looking forward to a potential Vengeance - Mauler throw-down in the playoffs.    Don't disappoint.  I don't have much else to look forward to, because...

"Should have auto-drafted" Award goes to...Olympic Cry-babies!

<sigh>  I put zero-time into planning this year and the lesson here is to use a random number generator.  It's nice having the 2nd lowest Pts against.  I haven't seen a good, easy matchup season yet.  Unfortunately, only putting up the lowest points in the league by 1/3 less makes me Punching Bag 2012.  Would anyone believe that I have a good team in my wife’s work league?  No?  Oh well…on the bright side, at least I get to cry about it like a US Olympian!  ;-)

“Wait?!?!  My best player is a Kicker???” Award goes to…Team Sweet T

Very unorthodox, Terri.  I like your swagger.  Fitzgerald only barely pulled ahead at the last minute.  May you kick your way into the playoffs.  Hard to say which QB to trust.  Each year, Houston wants to be good, it’s just that by Week 6, they seem to die on the vine.  No one would have predicted Tennessee Def.  But then again, this NFL season has combined Doctors Who & Strange.  Does anyone know if there’s a blue-moon?  Saturn’s rays being blocked?  Jupiter's mag field gone astray?  Or some other astro-illogical bullshit?  I’m not sure about blaming the scab ref’s… they do suck and have caused excessive injury and a few unusual losses, but what we’ve seen is well beyond officiating.

Well that about wraps it up.  And, Phil, it’s more like ah-ha funny.  Kind of the way nails on a chalkboard sound funny after 3-4 attempts.

-- Kookie