DFL 2013 Week 5: What is happening???

Welcome, welcome, welcome everyone.  In week 4 you might recall that we were in normal happy land.  QB scored points, people played well, and things made sense.  Then, I'd say somewhere around Tuesday shit started to go insane.

What am I talking about?  Well, to start off with, there was the first trade of the season AND it was fairly high powered:  Romo for Moreno.  (As a side note, I was feeling pretty guilty about this.  I sold Ben on the trade by calling him Tony FUN GUY Romo... I thought that my Jedi mind trick worked, but more on that later...)  Then good people played shitty. Shitty people played well....  I mean long story short... Ben is the only one who hit triple digits this week.  And the next closest barely cracked 90 points.  And we don't even have second string refs to blame it on this week!  Harumph!!!

Anyway, enough bitching about crazy things.  On to bitching about new and exciting stuff.  What kind of stuff?  Well, let's start with the elimination league. Of the 6 people remaining, 4 took a strike.  (See above about crazy week.)  Who didn't take a strike?  Joy and Marie.  Who both chose St Louis.  WTF?  The Rams??? Looking at the distribution of picks overall, 0.1% of people chose them to win.  That would be the lowest team picked overall.  And they freaking called it.  Ben decided to handicap himself and not make a pick this week.  The rest of us (Patrick, Skoot, and Phil) took a strike by betting on Atlanta.  Personally,I violated my rule of never counting on Thursday, Sunday, or Monday night football.  (National stage causes some players to excel and others to crumble like a stack of cards... so, you're rolling the bones when you count on these games....)  But I didn't want to pick the top pick because that's who Ben picks every week (and I wanted to differentiate myself from him) and the spread was like 8 points.  Thank you very much, Monday Night Fuckball.  (Yeah, that's right, I said it.  Monday Night Fuckball.)  So, with these strikes, Skoot, Patrick, and I are eliminated.

And yes, I've spent way too much time on the elimination league, but it needed to be said.  You know what also needs to be said?  Elimination league is stupid and bullshit.  (And yes, I will keep saying that until the year that I win it.)  Good luck to the remaining contestants:  Joy, Marie, and Ben.

And since the dander is already up about the crazy week last week, I'm gonna steer into it.  You ready for it, Dandelion?

Me too... let's get into it.

How about the pick'ems?  Yeah... crazy, stabby 'a doin's a'transpirin' here too...  Like three times last week, I thought "Oh,I need to make my pick 'em picks soon!"  Can't do it too early though, because some of you animals don't set your line up until the last minute.  The first time that I remembered where I was near a computer was at 8:45 on Thursday night.  Yes, that would be about 3 minutes into the first game of the week.  So, I was cut off.  Oh well, no big deal.  It's not like anyone bingo'ed at all this year.  Well, this week was the week of bingos.  Ben and Skoot both went 6-0 this week.  Crutch and Terri went 5-1, Mike G went 4-2 and the lowest of the week (for those picking) was Patrick at 3-3.  So, that means that I fell from 1st place to 6th freaking place in one week.  I guess that's the cool thing about the pick'em league being so close this year.  It's anyone's game!  But this does mean that I'm going to have to bingo a few weeks in a row here, just to catch up.  Dammit.  Right now, Ben and Crutch at the top of the heap with 20 points each. Next,  Patrick and Terri are tied at 18.  Keep those picks coming!  (Well, everyone except for the 5 bastards in front of me. Y'all can take a week off!)

Now, on to the meat and potatoes!  One last crazy pic before we get there though:

(Bonus points, if you know who that is and how he fits into the theme.  I don't even think that I would know, unless I looked it up specifically.)

Melanie gets the Saddle Up, Cowboy award this week for riding Adrian Peterson to victory so far this year.  Sadly, when he had a BYE, the rest of the team just kinda shut down.  Especially Cam Newton.  I mean, when you can say "Man, I really wish that I had started Jay Cutler this week,  I would have gotten over 24 points higher", well, you know that you had a shitty week.

Phil, on the other hand, get the Grass can't possibly be greener on the other side of the trade mantle of shame this week. Sure, Moreno more than doubled his projection, but Phil lost the 40+ points that FUCKING Romo put down.

Crutch takes home both the victory this week, as well as the "I can have a shit bench too!" crown for having all of 1.64 points on his bench this week.

Patrick has the Crap luck of the week token handed to him.  Calvin Johnson being benched at the last moment, killed Stafford, who is on Patrick's team.  Only one of his players hit double digits.  Most notably, he played the losing defense in the 5th highest scoring game in NFL history.  Just not in the cards for you  this, week, man.

Ben, along with delivering the beatdown of the week of 68 points, racked up the highest point totally this week.  Mostly because Tony FUCKING Romo was emulating Manning the Greater and pulled down 38 points.  Though another 4 players on the team turned in double digit games.  (Two of them almost hit  20 points!)  No award for you this week, but you do get this:

RA Dave...  Ugh it sucks when the best that you could possibly do is to lose with dignity.  Sadly, you didn't even get close.  Ben pulled down your pants, and spanked you.  Hard.  You left 20 points or so on the bench, but you still would have received the beat down of the week.  Sorry, man.  Your award this week is comfort food and suicide watch.  So, go ahead!  Make new friends!

Skoot and McClennen take home the Taco taco this week.

Both of these fellows started a player that didn't play.  (OK granted, Skoot played Johnson, who was only sat at noon on Sunday, but my way is better.)

Mike G takes home a crushing loss to Missy AND the pain of a NE smack down.  Normally, A team with starters such as Michael Vick and the injured Stevan Ridley wouldn't even think of losing.  Right? But this week, Brady was shut out (for the first time in 50 some odd games), so that means three of Mike's starters we also kept out of the endzone.  Diversify, people!

And you get ... uh... I dunno.  Like a muffin or something.  Like a loser's muffin. Yeah.  I'm happy with that.   Eat your loser muffin, Sir.

On the other side of the field, Missy pulls in a victory.  Pretty ho-hum game, except for the Giants DEF.  Solid pick when they are going up against the Eagles, but somehow they found a way to mess it up.  Ouch.  I'll say it now.. maybe we should all just drop all of the G-men from our teams.  They just... they just can't get it together this year.

You know what? You two can share a Golden Kicker award this week.  Kickers were the highest scorers on both team and made up about 30% of the overall points in the game.  Normally,I'd say that this was crazy, but that;s just the kind of week that we are having, aren't we?

Terri gets the Steve Irwin Memorial Thumb up his butt award.  Pretty much she rode Manning the Greater to victory this week.  Manning got almost half the overall points, Tate pulled in 11 points.  Everyone else?  just pooh'ed the bed.  Keep riding, Terri... I'm sure that he won't be pulled at the end of the season....

Kookie gets the Hey, Gimme a break!  I'm still unpacking and getting used to the new job plaque.  On one hand, not having enough time to tinker with the line up netted him almost 20 points from Jackson (finally).  On another, more real hand, he had two slots open and another 4 who didn't even score 5 points.  Moreover, he left 30 points, and the overall victory on the bench.

Like I said, crazy ass week.  Let's hope that we can get back closer to normal in week 6.