Week 7 Wrap Up: Well that was a crummy first half of the season.

Ugh... Another week goes by and that mean that we are exactly halfway through the season.  And here I am sitting at the king of the losers spot, just like Yahoo! said.  Shit, man.  This is how I feel like the first half of the season went:

Yeah, that's right.  50 words in and I'm already breaking out the monkey ass.  So, strap in boys and girls (and whatever the hell you are, Crutch), this one's gonna get rocky.

So.. elimination league.  Ben and Joy left... no strikes this week.  Though, I will say that it's starting to get hard to pick a team with a good spread these days.  So, get ready suckers.  Soon you will feel the sting of Melanie.  That being, choosing a sure thing and then having it pooh directly into your eyes.

Next up....  pick'ems!  Man, this week just threw us all down and had its way with us collectively.  *Nobody* picked all that well this week.  Though, I guess not surprisingly, in a week like this, Uncle Fucker picked the best with 4 correct picks.  Mike bottomed out with only one correct pick.  And an honorary Patrick award goes to RA Dave for trying to pick one game and getting 100% picks right.  Sadly, blew up in his face and he lost.  (See, Dave?  This is what happens when you pick yourself to win!)  End of the day, Kookie and Phil both went 3-3 and Mike G shit the bed (with a 1-5).  So, Kookie is still out in first, Phil's in third, and Mike G is in third...

Moving on...

Well, guess who got to the top of the league this week?  Melanie, with her 30+ point blowout against RA Dave knocked Patrick from the top spot.  However, not to be outdone, Patrick scored exactly enough points to bring his total for the year to 666, the mark of the beast.  This will turn out either really bad or really good for old Patrick.  And to be fair, Joy's also got the same record, though out of first place by about 40 points.  So, enjoy your time at the top, jerk faces.  Cuz there are a lot of hungry people at the bottom, just itching for a win.  And Kookie is at the bottom.  I'm pretty sure that he's just waiting out the season at this point...

Alright, let's get back to basics.  Awards time!!!!

We'll start with the beat down of the week.  Actually... the beat down of the weak.  Ben snagged this by almost but not quite beating down Skoot as badly as Melanie beat down kookie last week.  Here is a visualization of the game:

So, Ben, I present to you the flying ninja cat award.

Skoot, holy cow man.  You are just not catching a break this year.  MJD went down this week.  Plus, next week Green is on BYE.  So, you've got one hell of a hill to climb, buddy.  So, I'm handing you the Tyler Durden award.  This week, you'll be picking a fight and you're going to be losing...

Next up is what I like to call the bullshit game of the week.  I'm really OK with losing.  Yeah, it sucks.  But I've been in the DFL for too freaking long not to have gotten used to it.  However, when I go into a  gimme game, and I get blown the fuck out the stadium, I call shenanigans.  (Hell, it's half the name of the blog!)  So, what happened?  Well, I award Mike G the William Wallace Kilt of underdog wins for having one of the studs get the big ol' goose egg and then having one of his players double the projection, another more than double, and a third more than triple their projections.  But you know what happened to William Wallace, right?  He was immortalized in film by an anti-Semite.  So, don't blame me when some skinhead protrays you in your biopic.

Plus, here's what really chafes my bollocks.  *Everyone* voted for me.  Well, OK, two people voted for Mike G, but I'm going to guess that was Mike G and Terri G.  Their still too new to the league to have stopped voting for each other out of love.

Melanie pulls down a win, the top slot of the league, and, consequently, the "Everything's Coming Up Milhouse!" award.  Just get your floodpants.  I'm just saying that you're wading through something, and it's ain't flood water.

RA Dave - Congrats.  You are the proud winner of the Optimist neckerchief.  Never before and never since has there been such adulation over pulling down a 3-4 record.  Good for you, buddy.

I am dubbing Missy vs Patrick game this week as the Delaware Bowl.  NOTHING interesting happened here.  Yes, Patrick's team went crazy (they would have all gone double digits if Johnson didn't get hurt.), Yes Missy lost.  Yes, this was an upset.  But overall... eh.  You two really need to buckle down and put on more of a show. It's like you didn't even *read* The Hunger Games.  Come on!

Joy, on the other hand took home the "You Can't Have My Pants" award (if you don't get that, then see Snow White and the Huntsman.... in fact you know what... it's not even worth it to get that reference. If you don't get that reference. Steal Snow White and the Huntsman and then give it to one of your enemies.  Then, after they watch that piece of shit of a movie they will explain it in a fit of rage.  Anyway, off topic...)  for oh so gently teasing Kookie with the hope of a win.

Kookie, get your head in the game, brah.  Graham was out last week and is probably gonna be out this week.  Find a new tight end and move on...  You get the "Son, I am disappoint" award. This could have been your second win!

And I saved the best for last....  The closest game of the week was between Terri and Crutch.  A mere 3 points separated them.  And, since they were both 3-3 going into the game, there was a lot on the line.  You surely don't want to go below .500 halfway into the season.  Big hole to climb out of.  Big hole. So, you two get (jointly) the "Are You Not Entertained???" Award, for keeping things interesting...

So, lots going on now.  Entering the second half of the season, the BYE weeks are really starting to hurt.  Injuries are spreading like the plague.  So, plenty of time to get back in it.  If you're down, do something crazy.  It might just work!  If you're up, do something crazy. It might not work (and I need all of the help that I can get at this point...).

DFL Week 6: Suddenly Bullshit Breaks Out.

Well, riding on the coat tails of Ben's bitter post (and one of the best posts in the history of the league, in my opinion), I've decided to get pretty bitter myself this week.  Why is that?  Well, I took my second strike in a row on the elimination league (Come on, Eagles!!!  Man Up!!  Assholes!) and I got beaten to a pulp in both of my leagues.  So, I was going to start off this post with a round of ad hominem attacks on each of you, but apparently, that could hurt my readership of 10.  So, everyone gets off with a stiff warning this time.

(Also, on happy web page notes...  We have over 50 posts in this blog and we have 2000 page views!  Squee!!  But this is far too much happiness for the bitter post.)

Starting off like we always do is the elimination league...  The most important thing happened in this league.  I was eliminated this week after Vick went on the field and just vomited all over the place.  (Really, Vick?  2 INTs and a Fumble against the Lions?  Aarrgh!!!)  So, this leaves only Joy and Ben left.  Joy's still strikeless and Ben's got one strike.  I'd wish you two good luck, but screw you guys.

Next up is Pick'em... Kookie still leads the way on this one.  But Mike did fall to third place with his stellar 2-4 picks this week.  Sadly, Kookie and Phil did the best with 4-2 picks, which keeps Kookie firmly in 1st place.  Which leads me to my next point...

Will all you bastards set your line ups before Sunday morning? I mean, I can probably take Kookie out of the top spot, but only if I know that you'll wake up from your coma and actually bench your players on BYE *cough* Skoot and Joy *cough*.  And if you really need to start your BYE players, at least do it when you're playing me.  Cuz let's face it, my team isn't really getting any better...

Just one final word on the picks - Joy, Skoot, and Missy - you don't have any picks this year...  Think that you can snag the Hutton Award of Excellence by only making one pick this year and getting it right?  What's that?  Yep, the gauntlet  just got thrown down.

Oh, who am I kidding?  It's more like this:

That's right.  Red Warrior needs food... badly.  And by "Red Warrior", I mean "pink girlie man".  And by "food", I mean "a win".  And by "badly" I mean "So freaking badly it hurts."  That's right I'm segueing into the games.  And let's start off with the Kookie Bowl.

Melanie delivered the smack down of the week.  This was the biggest beat down of the season thus far.  I say so far since I'm sure that Kookie hasn't hit rock bottom quite yet.  With his 20th move this year, he picked up this guy:

Let's be fair.  Even though he is playing the wrong sport and can't even stand above the ground, he's better than half the players that are on Kookie's mess of a team.

Next up is the chatty bowl.  RA Dave and I had a nice little gab fest going on about my starting QB and starting DEF (as they were going head to head this week and that's generally a no-no).  Luckily, I was talked into picking up a nice DEF. Unluckily, everyone on RA Dave's team just went bonkers.  So, I took the lose there.  Dammit.  (And I had the people on my side...  The people!)

Next up... The Naughty Name Bowl...  Uncle Fucker came on strong and gave the Penetrators a good Rodgering initially.  But Crotch's Penetrators weren't licked yet.  They keep inching their way further and further up the score board.  Sadly though, they were impotent to come from behind.  They took it on the backside as the Fucker ultimately took down their pants and showed them what for.  OK enough of this paragraph.  I've got a feeling that we'll be attracting enough undesirables to this blog from just this alone.
(One last thing.  The real kick in the nuts is that not a single person (including Ben) voted for him *again* this week.  Maybe this week will turn things around for UF?)

The Upset of the Week, as called by whom?  (That's right, jerks, I use proper grammar!!)  Me, you bastards!  Not sure how it happened, but Patrick (with nobody on BYE) lost by a solid 31 points.  And here's  a fun fact.  Mike G had a 28 point game with RG3, which was only 15 points shy of Aaron Rogers discount double check of forty freaking three points.  I'm not sure who Mike is playing in week 7, but I firmly expect to be back on his mediocre ways by then.

The BYE Bowl is next.  There were 5 players on BYE in Joy vs Skoot's match up.  And the score showed it.  69 to 41 in Joy's favor.  Of course, it is *really* bad for Skoot when the BYE player that he started outscores his starting QB. (And only barely has fewer points than 4 of his starters.)  Maybe it's time to do a trade for a new QB?  Maybe to Mike G?

Finally, we reach the quiet bowl.  Missy versus Terri.  Not a lot of smack, not a lot of fanfare here.... Just two ladies with a lot of non-superstar players quietly dueling it out....  Missy came out the victor, but shhh!!!  don't tell anyone.

One last thing that I wanted to mention was a rules question that RA Dave pointed out on the Yahoo! boards this week.  In short, WRs are going crazy with points this season mostly due to the 1 point/catch rule that we have in effect.  So, a lot of catches, without a lot of yards would outscore a WR who only got one long bomb pass.

I actually really like the discussion, but sadly it's too late this season to start changing stats around.  The current points scheme came about I want to say about 5 years ago when I first took over as commish.  Back then, RBs were *dominating* the league.  So, we put the point per catch rule into effect. However, we also moved the yardage for WRs to 20 yards per point (whereas RBs still hang out at 15).  It did work pretty well for a few years, but I think that RA Dave has a good point in that the NFL is a hell of a lot more pass happy now than they were even last year. I think that Skoot and I were talking about the point per catch being a bit too much last year, but I forgot about it when we were doing the rules changes this year... O well.  Anyway, there's probably some room for tweaking in there for next season.  But, for now, just go out and find yourself a good WR.  :-)

As far as fractional points go, I'd tend to stay away from that, just because I like to keep things simple.  That being said, I'm also not above moving to that next year if that's what the league wants.

Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, You're cool, Fuck you.

no wait, you're not cool either.

I suppose one of the chief responsibilities of the write-up author is to be objective and not bring personal biases to the post.  You should anticipate that goal to not be met in this post.

Secondly, I've noticed my predecessors have been all fancy, using people's names and things like that.  That's not gonna happen this week.  I don't know what names go with what teams with a few rare exceptions, so i'm only using team names.  Besides, team names lend anonymity which is to be reveled in.  So, revel...i won't expose you for the fantasy football playing nerds that you are.

Ok, so first up is the easy one...  elimination league.  It is with great pleasure that I award 0.5 Donkey their elimination strike, and Philthy Bastards their first strike.  What's that you say?  I'm not the one handing out the strikes?  Au contraire.  I'm pretty sure most of you aren't going and looking at the elimination league on your own, especially since 4 of you are already eliminated and 5 of you never even signed up.  And if Schrodinger taught us nothing else, it's that results don't exist until they are observed.  In this case by me. So, you're welcome.  Also it turns out the cat was dead.

On to the league pick'em:  First off, I'd like to give out an award. The "No Fucking Shit, Sherlock" award goes to:  Everyone, because you all picked me to lose my game.  This was the only game in which the picks were unanimous.  This was in spite of the fact that my opponent didn't even bother to put in a TE.  Congrats, I hope you all feel like big big men.  Or women.


In spite of that gimme, no one had a particularly strong week, though Olympic Crybabies kept up their strong performance, staying on top of the league with 4 correct picks.

I'd also like to hand out the "Tony Danza" award to Sweet T and Rolling Vengeance for having 6 out of 7 picks go against you and still come up with the win.  Who's the boss indeed?


Ok, on to the games.

Uncle Fucker vs Taco For The Win:
Uncle Fucker (that's me!) gets the "Rodney Dangerfield I can't get no respect" award for having an opponent who couldn't even deign to fill their roster in anticipation of the game.

Taco For The Win gets the "Cry me a river" award for this notable stat item from the yahoo recap: "Taco for the Win won despite having only 2 of their 8 starters exceed their projected points."

Philthy Bastards vs Olympic Crybabies
Philthy Bastards gets the "Harvey Dent" award for having the most two-faced lineup this week.  Exactly half your players scored well over 10 points, exactly half didn't even reach double digits.  


Olympic Crybabies gets the "Al Gore Unsustainability" award for picking up almost half their points from a single player.  Then again, since they lost again this week, maybe there is something sustainable here after all...

PointFiveDonkey vs Superion
PointFiveDonkey and Superion are corecipients of the "12th man" award for actually caring about the fans and giving us a game that was actually close.

Rolling Vengeance vs Pittsburgh Maulers
Pittsburgh Maulers gets the "Terry Malloy" award for having had a chance to be a contender, if only they'd started...well, pretty much any of their benched players.

While Rolling Vengeance gets the "Phil R" award for achieving line up nirvana, which 1) near as i can tell is something only Phil cares about and 2) isn't necessarily a good thing as it means the players on your bench probably suck.  But hey, congrats!  (Admittedly, it's a bit easier to achieve line up nirvana when half your bench is a on a bye)

Team Sweet T vs Lint Lickers
Team Sweet T and Lint Lickers share the "Crippled Masters" award for engaging in the lowest scoring game of the week, making even my team look almost competitive. 

Crotch's Penetrators vs Scooby Doo
Crotch's Penetrators gets the "If it weren't for those meddling kids" award for having a chance to win if only a bunch of dorks in a van hadn't come along and ruined all their devious plans.....oh wait, no...  they never had a chance.

And last but not necessarily least, Scooby Doo gets the "Big Lebowski" award because fuck it, i'm going bowling.

What's that you said?  That's not a very specific award for Scooby Doo?  Well, i refer you to the title of this post.

DFL 2012: Week 4: Better late than never!

So, it's Thursday and I'm betting all y'all thought that you weren't getting a write up this week, huh? Bet you thought that old Phil was dropping the ball already?  Well, I'm no NoName McPeePeePants.  I'm here, and there's no freaking way that I was missing this week's write up.  Really good games going down this week.  So, let's get to it.

But before we jump way into things, I'm just getting over a cold this week.  So, some of my snark might not be all that effective.  So, like so many great (read:  mediocre at best) men before me, I'm going to delegate out the work.  May I present to you, QB smack talk:

http://imgur.com/a/9H0Hv

(And here's a lipmus test.  For you newbies to the league.  You might not have gotten all of the jokes, but did you get more than you would have last year at this time?  If so, congratulations.  You are *tearing* it up!)

Now, really on to the good stuff.

First up, the elimination league.  Nobody took a strike this last week.  But, probably worth mentioning that all four remaining players picked different teams.  also, probably worth mentioning that all 4 remaining players picked different teams in week 5 as well.  Good luck to Phil, Joy, Skoot, and Ben.  However, mostly good luck to me.

Next, the pick 'ems.  I'll throw this out there: What the hell??  Not only did Kookie go 6-0 this week, but he jumped from third place all the way up to #1.  Meanwhile, with my bed pissing from last week, I went 5-1 and still landed in 3rd place...  But, All in all a good week across the board.  The lowest pick was 4-2.  Still pretty tight.  Plenty of time for some upsets this season.

And finally, let's take a look at what we're all here for.  OK, all of us except for Kookie. I think that he's just here for the free ass kickings.  Anyways, most of us are here for the DFL proper.  So, here we go!!!

First off, holy good gracious.  What a hell of a week!  *All* of the victors jumped into the 100 point club.  O wait... Did we miss one?  Geez, Patrick missed the 100 points club by just two points.  Boy howdy!  Sadly, I can't really give him too much shiza since he's currently sitting at the top of the standings.  Followd by Melanie, RA Dave and Mike G.  Wait.. What the hell, cruel fates??  I mean Kookie, Skoot, and Ben are right at the bottom of the league where they should be, but these four up top?  Certainly a tight league to be sure this year, but really?  Those are our best?  I'm ashamed enough for all of us...

(And fun fact:  Outside of Patrick, the rest of the top three lost in week 1.  Since this is the last time that I can conceivably use this excuse, I'm going to blame the replacement refs for this weird top of the league.  So, hopefully things should be righted by month's end.... We shall see.)

Now, let's start with the beat down of the week: Phil vs Skoot.  It all started on Thursday night when our Flex spot decided to tie, making that game more worthless than yo mama.  (Daaaaaaaaamn!!!)  Then, after that  Skoot's team just quietly collapsed. One didn't start another only got a quarter of the points that he was slated for.  Granted, Smith only was projected at 4.  But still...ouch.  So, for getting slaughtered so spectacularly  I present Skoot with the Custer's Last Stand Award.

I present to Phil the Defenses Win Games Trophy, for having my Defense score as much as my next two players combined.  

Kookie this week gets the Generic Windex Knock Off crown of shame for having two of the streakiest receivers in the game and sadly benching the wrong one.  Steve Smith is the best WR that the Panthers have.  Sadly, he's really the only one that they have too. So, that means that he's also the one who gets double covered.  And seriouly Marque Colston....  22 points against GB in GB??  Kookie a fair choice, but what a choice.  I hope that you have the same luck this week while playing me...

Patrick, on the other hand, gets the PieTaster's Girl Take it Easy Award.  Sure he could have have a higher score with line up Nirvana.  Sure, he could have tweaked things here and there.  But fuggit.  He's winning and he doesn't care.  Good for you, Mr. Boss Man.

In the Upset of the week bowl, Melanie whooped up in Ben.  Oddly, most people, but not Yahoo, called this one right.  

Melanie gets the Phil Sponsored Better Late Than Never medallion for sticking with Brees and Charles, who, though not doing horridly, certainly have taken their sweet ass time warming up this year.  

Ben, Ben, Ben.... It looks like you're going to be having another one of those years.  But on the plus side, you can take solace in the fact that you're not Kookie.  And I'm not just limiting this to Fantasy Football.  There are a lot of good reasons not be Kookie.  So, the best that I can come up with this week for you is the John Edwards (idiot psychic guy, not idiot politics guy) Award for You Probably Should Have Seen It Coming. This is for picking up a Detroit QB and then being surprised that he's falling flat on his face...  

Bonus Award for Ben this week though...  Ben texted me halfway through the Sunday game saying "I want to to punch whoever does the ff score predictions"  Bad grammar aside, brilliantly deadpan delivery of his frustrations.  Though, on a sad sidenote, Ben wouldn't have even come close to Melanie, even with lineup Nirvana.

And speaking of line up Nirvana, RA Dave hit it out of the part this week.  With three players (two of them elite) on BYE this week, RA Dave had one hell of a hill to climb.  Not only did he climb the hill, but he also kicked it ass all the way home.  So, I'm proud to present the Double Digit Across the Board award to RA Dave for perfection this week.

Terri snags the Class Warfare medal for having a distinct set of Haves and Have Nots in her starting line up.  Her first four players scored 17, 17, 14, and 12.  Then, her next 4 players scored 0, 3, 8, and 4.  Eesh. Keep your Che Guerava shirts at the ready, Mrs. G.  

Joy gets the Crazed like a Mad Dog award for haveing two players score over 20 points this week and another just miss that mark.  In fact, she could have pinned another 11 point to her already impressive score had she ignored Yahoo! and played the Ari Def instead of GB DEF.  I know... blasphemy, but the "Play whoever's DEFENSE is going to be playing Miami" rule definitely comes into play here.

Meanwhile Crutch snagged the Bill O'Reilly Fuck it!  I'll do it myself!! placard for having both of his QBs bring in almost 50 points and the rest of his team barely  making that much...

Finally, the biggest game of the week was with Mike G and Missy.  Lemme just say Shazaam!!  

Mike G just pulled down both Joy and Terri's awards this week, but bigger.  3 players over 20 points, another 2 on the heels of that stat... and then 3 players who don't hit 5 points each.  Shit, Bironas, get it together, man.

Missy  takes home two awards this week:

1 - Talk Up, Child award for being quietest in the league *again*.  that takes Talent.  RA Dave is in the league this year and he's talking more smack than you.  That's saying something.  In the entire time that I knew RA Dave at Penn State, he said like 25 words to me.  And you are losing to that? Come on, Missy.  You're better than that.  And by that I mean Dave.

2 - Time To Look at the Waiver Wire drumstick.  Solid, Solid starters.  But your middle folks could use a looking over.  Pick up a few players that average more than 5 points a game and you'll be sitting in butter.

OK that's it for me tonight... I wonder how the game is coming so far this week...  Yay Kicker!  Twice as many points as Kookie's RB!  Kick ass!!!