DFL 2012: Week 2: What the Hell NFL???

And so ends the second week of the NFL 2012 season, and therefore as does the second week of the DFL 2012.  It was a good week of football, and I hope that everyone is enjoying themselves.  Except.... o wait.  Forget that.  Why?  The NFL had a syphilitic fever dream this week this week and went absolutely batshit insane.  Don't believe me?  Well, let's take a look at a few things out of this week:

The Cards beat New England in freaking Foxboro.
The Panthers won over the Saints.  (But Phil, the Saints still have a bunch of suspensions.  Doesn't freaking matter.  I'm a Panthers fan and this is really freaking weird.)
A team had 9 turn overs in two weeks and won both games (by 1 point each).  I'm looking at you, Philly.
Miami thoroughly *destroyed* Oakland.
Atlanta Whooped up on Denver (And rumor has it that Manning might have been benched on the last drive)

But Phil, I hear you say (and may I say that you're being quite gabby today), we're in *fantasy* football.  Who cares about this *real* football anyways?  (And Skoot before you even say it, yes, American football is the real football.  Not any of this "futball" nonsense.)  Well, let's look at some stats:

Let's see.  Just by my team... Who should I look at?  I dunno.. may be my #1 reciever?  Andre Johnson.  Let's see... Who had more points than he?  EVERYONE ON MY TEAM... Well, except for Anquan Bolden and Fred Davis.

but that's OK... Maybe it was just a fluke, right?  I mean it's not like Danny Amendola got 27 points, was it? O wait he did.  And *noboby* in the league knows who he is (Maybe Skoot and Patrick do, but screw that - it breaks my point).  Actually, I guess that one person in the league does.  Sorry, Terri (who had him on the bench, and conceivably rightly so...)

So, I guess what I'm saying was that this was a pretty messed up week.  And by pretty messed up, I mean like lighting a firecracker, wrapping your hand around it, letting it go off and then sticking the stump into the garbage disposal.  Except that this week hurt more than that....

So, first thing's first.  League Pick 'em.  With such a wonderful week in the NFL, you can guess how well we did here:  http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/375679/pickem  .  Yay! I was top amongst all the picks with 3-3.  Crutch bottomed out this week, with 1-5.  but on the plus side, at least he tried *cough* MelanieRADaveJoySkootMissy*cough*.  Still plenty of time to get in on the action, everyone!

Next up, let's go for the record setting elimination league.  Lemme just say.... Ouch.  First off, Missy took her second strike, showing us that her dangerous gambit did not pay off.  But the most beautiful of all beautiful things happened....  Melanie, with two *really* solid picks was eliminated in record time.  Two strikes in two weeks.  And I know that her pick this week was solid since I and 17 other people in my other elimination league were kicked out because of the Pats.  I mean, really Tom Brady?  Losing to the Cards?  Really?  At home?  And don't gimme that "Any given Sunday" nonsense.  I'm pretty sure that the entire state of Arizona made a deal with Satan just like the people of Haiti did.  And I know that's true since Pat Robertson said it.

On a side note, Yahoo! is reporting that almost 30% of the picks for week 3 are for New Orleans.  I'm not sure who they are playing, but people, come on.  I mean, unless they are like playing the girl scouts of America or something.  Well, not even then...  Maybe one of the GSoA farm teams... and that's only if their scout's starters are so banged up that they need to put in girls in back braces on least half of the offensive line Then, they might have a chance...   Look at the last few weeks. Not a good pick this week.

That being said, I hope that everyone picks the Saints to win this week.

Good lord... Look at how long this column has gone already.  Why, if I were a shitty science Fiction writer in the 60s making a nickel a word, I'd ready to retire by now.  And most likely would also have a cult devoted to me.  (And if I disappear in the next week, you'll know why...)  Anyways, let's get to the nitty gritty:

Right off the bat, RA Dave gets the kick a man while he's down award.  With the 4th most points in the league again this week, and only 5 points away from the 100 points club, Dave lost *again* this week.  And the really strange thing is that he was only 5 points away from receiving the beat down of the week.

Congrats go to Mike for getting the most points this week. Very close to a league high with 131.  (If I recall correctly, Patrick has the league high from a few years ago when Brandon Marshall was on speed and scored like 40 points himself.  I think that the league record is 141..) Ironically for Mike, he didn't win because of his kicker.  I seem to recall someone saying that kickers win games... who said that now?

And speaking of beat down of the week, let's give it up for Terri for that award this week.  Congrats, Terri.  Going into Sunday night's game, I was very worried that I was going to be getting that dubious distinction.   So, thanks for throwing yourself on that grenade for me....

And since we're on Terri (see?  no naughty jokes here - that's respect), let's let the hits keep on rolling.  Terri who if you recall last week was so close to line up Nirvana, this week just shat the bed in that regard.  She could have benched *all* of her wide recievers, running backs, and TE and still done better with just 1 person on the bench. (Now, in her defence, her TE was hurt early on, and really?  Who saw Amendola really turning it on for the Redskins?)

Now, Skoot...  Dayum, Skoot!!! How the monkey did this happen? All double digits, except fr your TE?  (Man, who suggested that we have to play a TE?  Forget that guy!)  AND he left 46 points on the bench. I would hate to be the guy playing you next week.  O wait... it's Patrick.  Should be a pretty good game.  :-)

Patrick versus Ben Match up?  Let's just say "Upset of the week"  And who called it?  That's right.  M3 3-3 himself.  This guy!  But if you're gonna get fucked, might as well get fucked by the Uncle Fucker himself...

And Ben... remember.  I was the only one to have faith in you.  Remember that, bitch.

And speaking of upsets.....  This is  the most delicious upset of the league to date.  Kookie, in an act of ultimate hubris, threw down some epic smack talk.  Then, was subsequently destroyed.  Plus, he left 22 points on the bench...

Missy....  Current league leader, and only 2-0 record was the one to teach Kookie the humility lesson that he so desperately needed. And with no support from the peanut gallery either.  I say "Right On!"  (Oh, and what's that?  Did her kicker win the game?  I think that he did!)

Golf clap goes to Melanie for handing Crutch his first ever FFL defeat.  But seriously.  25 points from Freaking CJ Spiller?  No.  I call shenanagins.....

As for you Crutch... Esh... Not much to do there.  But hey, nice avatar!

And finally, we come to the saddest game of the week.  Rau Bowl 1 of 2012.  I can't really say anything that sums it up better than Matt and Trey did:

And taking a step back this week, it looks like we are pretty well matched this year.  Everyone is at 1-1 except for an outlyer at the top and bottom.  And really, the bullshit about that is that RA Dave (who is at the bottom) has the second most points overall, and Missy (who is at the top) has the least points scored against her.

And that is all for me this week.  

Remember, Kookie is the guest author next weekend as I am out of town.  So, Kookie you're up.  Everyone treat Kookie well.  And Kookie.  You better be funny next week.  Or else you'll have to keep doing the write ups until you get it right.  :-)