Thank you. Thank you. And again, I thank you. Thank you Phil for that horrid
introduction. May the hair on your toes
grow longer than your head. Joy!!! Can't you give him more to do around the
house? What about teaching Sammy how to
make pipe bombs from household chem for the inevitable rise of the
machines...or zombies...or worst of all mecha-zombies!!! I mean wtf?!?? It's like reading a Robert Jordan novel --
1,800 pgs of "blah blah blah yakety schmackety" before you get to the
good stuff. There's still time for
others to do a write-up. No need for
Filthy Phil to do them all (although admittedly, Week 2 WTF NFL??!??!! was
deserved).
Week 6 is still open. For those of you who don't know, that's the
G-spot for trash-talk. The wheat is separated
from the chaff and the gloves come off.
Nuff said...after all for week 3, I'd like to skip the phil-abuster and
get right to it. Unfortunately there's a
lot of new people in the ranks. And I
don't know half of you as well as I should like. And I like less than half of you half as well
as you deserve. But here goes...
"Best Player on my Team is a TE!" Award goes
to...Crotch's Penetrators
What the hell is up with TE's this season? If this was the first year you ever watched
football, you'd think that the Tight End should be renamed the End-Zoner. Best of luck with DeAngelo. He really knows when to turn it up...the last
2-4 games of the season.
"Tebow 2012" Award goes to...Lint Lickers
Damn-it, Jim, I'm a Running Back. Sure you are Griffin. Keep telling that to Jr & Sr. And it's so bad that Mike had to BENCH Aaron
Rodgers for a better option. But, hey,
maybe this is Washington's year. Oh
wait? Didn't I just get strike 1 in Survivor League due to
them? Pssshhh...no worries. I picked Pittsburgh for Week 3...
"Wait! What just
happened!" Award goes to...Taco for the Win
Turkey! Triple
crown! Three peat! Tres Victorias! You could have been a contender... you could
have been somebody, but now... Now you're just a bum like the rest of us. Now if you make a miraculous recovery season
-- place or show, it will only be "doing a Ben." Alas, it's looking like no turkey dance in
December. I was really rooting for you,
Joy...which really seems to have brought
your downfall, quick. Let this be a
lesson: He (or she) who drafts best
(according to Yahoo/Toyota) can suck it!
"P-Wing it!" Award goes to...Superion
Melanie had an entire team of Probables going into Week
3. Way to ride the injury reserve. F@$king Jamaal Charles! That ass-clown was my accidental yahoo auto-draft
pick last year and he took a SEI (season-ending-injury) in 2011 Week 1. Now look at him. All rested and refreshed. Enjoy it while it lasts. NE's not fooling anyone -- Welker's about as
out of the O as Tom Brady. Unfortunately
their "mind-games" may mean a hot/cold season. Good luck
with the matchups.
"Wait I'm not dead yet!" Award goes to...ScoobyDoo
They're not quite winning games, but Peyton's still got some
fight left in him. I really like the
home-town confidence -- Chicago defense still has it. Now if only they can keep Urlacher from
talking in any more commercials...he's got the presence of Howie Long.
"What did I miss" Award goes to...Pittsburgh
Maulers
I really think Worthlessberger has a good shot at taking you
all the way. I like your Coldstone
Creamery mix-in: arch-enemy RB & DEF
with QB & WR. Melanie could never
have stomached that. For those that may
not know, Dave decided it was time for an emergency gall bladder removal a few
weeks ago and took himself out. Not
quite the bloody children death ride of Marie (Skoot's wife & ex-DFLer), but blue-diamonds to you, buddy! The military took purple hearts, so us civilians got bumped down the Lucky Charms
ranks… Hope you're feeling better.
"Weenie Duel" Award goes to... Philthy Bastards & Uncle Fucker
For those who stayed up to midnight Monday not knowing who was going to win in the midgetone-armed monkey donkey wrestling match that was the low-score slap fest chess match between Phil and Ben. I came down to the wire, but Uncle Fucker lived up to his name and cost me a pick to win. Fuck you, Uncle Fucker! Nice of you two to leave 20+pts on the bench, but to be fair to Ben, I wouldn't have called a Torrey Smith breakout game against New England. This matchup was about as painfully boring as a few ancient history D&D sessions. For those of you who think Fantasy Football isn't dorky, may I refer you to evidence #1 -- it's all based on statistics. Let's see what ol' Leeroy has to say: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkCNJRfSZBU
...classic.
"Defcon 5" Award goes to...Rolling Vengeance & PointFiveDonkey
For laying down some law. This was the matchup of the week with two rock solid competitors. (Sorry, Missy, I know you put up more of a fight with Dave, but I think your time at the top is short-fused...it's on the (D-) Fence...ah ha ha ha ha...aaaahhh...) Albeit Skoot is on borrowed oxygen. Sorry, Skoot...I don't think your team has it this year. Pat on the other hand is on cloud 9. Turner is about the only non-performer on that bench, but that's only due to how hot Atlanta's air corp is. And unlike your teams of old, I'm looking forward to a potential Vengeance - Mauler throw-down in the playoffs. Don't disappoint. I don't have much else to look forward to, because...
<sigh> I put
zero-time into planning this year and the lesson here is to use a random number
generator. It's nice having the 2nd
lowest Pts against. I haven't seen a
good, easy matchup season yet.
Unfortunately, only putting up the lowest points in the league by 1/3
less makes me Punching Bag 2012. Would
anyone believe that I have a good team in my wife’s work league? No? Oh
well…on the bright side, at least I get to cry about it like a US
Olympian! ;-)
“Wait?!?! My best
player is a Kicker???” Award goes to…Team Sweet T
Very unorthodox, Terri.
I like your swagger. Fitzgerald
only barely pulled ahead at the last minute.
May you kick your way into the playoffs.
Hard to say which QB to trust.
Each year, Houston wants to be good, it’s just that by Week 6, they seem
to die on the vine. No one would have
predicted Tennessee Def. But then again,
this NFL season has combined Doctors Who & Strange. Does anyone know if there’s a blue-moon? Saturn’s rays being blocked? Jupiter's mag field gone astray? Or some other astro-illogical bullshit? I’m not sure about blaming the scab ref’s…
they do suck and have caused excessive injury and a few unusual losses, but what we’ve seen is well beyond officiating.
Well that about wraps it up.
And, Phil, it’s more like ah-ha funny.
Kind of the way nails on a chalkboard sound funny after 3-4 attempts.
-- Kookie
