DFL 2016 Pre-Week 1: 'Twas the night before kick off...

... and all through the league
People were -

You know what?  Nevermind.  Doing a post in couplets would be hella-hard.  So, I'm going to bail out before it gets too intense.

So is everyone ready for some FOOTBALL???

Kick off is less than 24 hours away and I am so stoked I literally can't even.

A classic for any age.

So, before we get into the nitty gritty, we've gotta do the pre-season rankings, of team names.

1) ForsettInTheRear (Skoot).  Holy fuck what a delightful surprise this was logging on to the draft!  It works on only a single level, but God DAMN does it work well on that level.
2) Bortle Kombat (Patrick).  Once again, Patrick comes up with not only a great team name, but also gets an accompanying icon for his team.  Football related, perfect pun...  Yeah, this was teh team name to, and Skoot did.
3) anotherTERRIbleteam (Terri).  Love the self-deprecation. Love that your name is in the team name (so that I don't have to say to myself "Now, who is this?" like a hundred times in the upcoming month).  Well done!
4) MuleDay97 (Melanie).  I'm sure that this means something very specific, but to me it's a random couple of words thrown together with a random couple of digits.  And it conjures up a beautiful image in my head.  The randomness alone is divine.
5) PhilBack King (Phil).  OK, I'll admit.  I was stretching for a football pun with my name in it, and the closest that I could get was "Full Back" and I wanted to be royal, so there we go.  I'll cop to it.  The team name isn't the strongest pun that I've come up with.
6) NotTheWorst (McClennnen).  This isn't the wittiest name that there is, but it came aroudn full circle for me when he was the second to lowest post draft rankings.  And if he finishes 11th, I'm going to give him bonus points for seeing into the future.
7) Paranormal Soul Buy (Crutch).  I like this one.  I don't know why, but I like it.
8) Homebrewin' (RA Dave).  Who doesn't like a home brew?  Not sure how it relates to football or the league, but I can (kinda) get behind the name.
9) 2016Champs (Mike).  I admire your bravado.  But I think that it might be a little misplaced.  Good luck though...
10) S-Bricks2WaiverWire (Kookie).  I'm assuming that S stands for Shit, as opposed to Sandy or Silly or Smiling.  If Kaepernick taught us anything, it's that protests against things you consider injustices can be integrated into football.  And you did it in an interesting and nuanced way, unlike:
11) TightEndsSuck (Ben).  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I get it.  You lost the vote.  At least be funny with it!
12) ScoobyDoo (Missy).  For 12 years running.  Same team name.  Eventually, this is going to be considered ironic and shoot to the top of the list.  Sadly, this is not the year for that.

OK, now let's get down to some hard numbers.

Here's the Draft order this year:

1. Crutch
2. Kookie
3. Missy
4. Terri
5. Mike
6. Patrick
7. Ben
8. Melanie
9. Phil
10. McClennen
11. Skoot
12. RA Dave

And here's the draft ranks:

1. Crutch (A-)
2. Skoot (B+)
3. Ben (B+)
4. Phil (B)
5. RA Dave (B)
6. Kookie (B)
7. Terri (B)
8. Missy (B-)
9. Melanie (B-)
10. Mike (B-)
11. McClennen (C)  (Not the worst - so satisfying!)
12. Patrick (D)

And based on the schedules with the teams currently in place, here's the order that Yahoo! predicts that we will end:

1. Crutch
2. Kookie
3. RA Dave
4. Terri
5. Mike
6. Skoot
7. Ben
8. Phil
9. Melanie
10. Missy
11. McClennen (AGAIN - SO SATISFYING!!!)
12. Patrick

What does all of this mean?  Well, pretty much fuck-all if history of Yahoo! predictions is to be believed.  And we've already got 5 moves, so who knows how things are going to end up? And granted, two of those moves are because the players were cut, but still.  I bet that Patrick is glad that we don't have a move cap now, huh?  :)

And that's about all that I have to say for now.  So many conflicting emotions right now.  On one hand, the season opens tomorrow night.  But on the other, my Panthers are probably going to get beat pretty bad on a national stage.  On one hand, I'm glad that the league is starting back up, but on the other other, I hate (most of) you all so very, very much.  I'll let Liam sum it up for me:

Peace out, yo.