DFL 2015 Week 1: What the HELL was that???

Wait, wait, wait... before we get into this, I feel like I really need to emphasize the title of this blog post one more time:

I mean, really, NFL.  I'm not just asking for me, who got spanked harder thana red headed step child at a leather belt convention.  Manning the Greater gets shut down (which, to be fair, we kinda were expecting towards the end of the season...), Mariota is the second highest QB, and Romo goes buck freaking wild - and he wasn't even playing me!!   Argg!!!!

It's 11 o'clock on a Wednesday night. I'm sleep deprived, work is in over drive, I'm up to my eyeballs in house chores, and I got the OK from all y 'all to maybe take a knee on a week or two, but still I'm  here.  And do you know why?  Well, there is a rule of comedy that says that you should always punch up.  Alternatively, don't punch down.  That is to say, that you should always take shots at the people in charge, as opposed to the people who are stepped on.  So, it's OK to make fun of the president, but maybe making fun of homeless people is in bad taste.

Why do I bring this up?  Because I'm the lowest of the low right now.  That's right, 12th out of 12 possible places.  This is what I like to call "The Kookie Postion".  And you'd better believe that I'm gonna be Tiger Uppercutting the shit out of all y'all this week.

Don't think that the gif of Sagat uppercutting the only original lady in Street Fighter unconscious
is a coincidence.  OK, it was, but how fitting this week!

But before we get into all of that, let's dispense with the pleasentries first, shall we?

First off, Elimination League.  Looks like ten out of eleven picked right.  Three chose Miami (since really, when else are you going to get that kind of spread?), three chose Green Bay, and everyone else was all over the place.  So yeah, kind of well matched games this week.   The only one taking a strike this week?  Mike.  The good news is that he's now in the running for the prestigious Melanie award for Week 2 elimination.  Come on, Mike!  We have confidence in you!!!

Next up.. Pick'em!  Melanie is the queen here, going 5-1 picks.  Mike is right on her tail with 4-2.  Patrick, Ben, and Terri all pulled in 3-3.  RA Dave had a respectable 2-4 this week.  Everyone else got 0 picks right.  The rest of us poor chumps are sitting at 0 picks correct.  The only reason that this is noteworthy is that I (unlike the rest of my winless players) actually made all 6 picks this week.  It just so happens that they were all wrong.  EVERY. SINGLE. PICK. WRONG.  Or in other words:

Cool thing about this clip is that they actually got this to air on Comedy Central,
with a bit of brilliant editing...

So, keeping with my punching up mentality this week, I'm just going to go through the games and tell you why I hate each and every one of you:

Melanie vs Mike: Melanie thoroughly screwed with Mike this week.  She got the high point total, and Mike score the third most points in the league.  Melanie - I hate you because you pretty much doubled your point projection FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER (Yeah, the Rams D against Seattle - that sounds great!!! and Hopkins.  HOPKINS?  Really???)  Mike - I hate you because, well, you are my nemisis and probably always will be.  I gotta stoke the hate somehow, buddy.

Terri vs Crutch:  The only person getting into the centurian club this week (besides Melanie) is Terri.  She didn't get the top marks, but she did throw down the beatdown of the week (which Yahoo! is calling "Biggest Blowout" this year, which is even lamer than whatever tomfoolery they were calling it last year.) on Crutch.  So, Terri, I hate you for practically doubling my score this week.  Crutch, I hate you for not healing my character when he fell this week at D&D.  TWICE.  Jerk!

 Kookie vs RA Dave:  Kookie continues the line of ladies at the top of the league this week.   He did this by kicking RA Dave's ass up and down the field all day on Sunday.  That means, Kookie I hate you for lucking your way to the top.  And even your is pooping lucky stars.  I mean Bishop Sankey??  2 TDs on the day?  Come on!!! RA Dave - I hate you because in week 1, Forte pulled in more points than any game last year when he was on my team.  WTF, mate???

Skoot vs Ben:  Skoot pulled off the tightest victory this week with a point difference of a scant 9 points.  Skoot - I hate you because You stuck with Tom "I don't need no stinkin' suspension" Brady, and he just kicked all sorts of ass against Pittsburgh this week.  (Though that must have been super-bitter sweet for you two watch, so that is nice..)  Ben - I hate you because you picked up Mariota just before I did in the draft.  I've got a good feeling about that one...

Patrick vs Phil:  Patrick kicked my ass this week when my entire team (except for that one that I didn't actually draft- Carolina D) decided that they should start a drum circle and play hackey sack instead of playing football.  Come on, guys!!! You were supposed to be a solid B team!!!  Anways, Patrick I hate you because you beat me in week 1.  Not cool.  Phil - I hate you because of your shitty ass shit team.  Get your head together for next week!!

Missy vs McClennnen:  In the lowest scoring game of the week, somehow Missy managed to suck a little less than McClennen and pulled in the win.  Missy - I hate you because even with your terrible showing this week, you still would have managed to beat me.  McClennen - I hate you because you've got a really strong RB core.  I never seem to draft the right RBs year to year.

That's about it for me.  Man, the Emperor was right!  Giving in to all of that hate really does feel good.  Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to go build a protocol droid to help my mother dust in the armpit end of space for some stupid reason.