DFL 2017 Week 10: It ain't getting better...

Hey!  Remember last week how I was all hopeful that October was going to be the end of all of the pain?  Didja check the scoreboards this weekend?

Spoiler Alert:  It wasn't pretty...

Both Skoot and I take *another* loss this week, in perhaps the stupidest game of chicken to see who can have the longest losing streak in the league.  I'm going to guess that he blinks first.  

But here's the thing.  It's not that 3/4 of my top draft picks are out (and the last one is a WR whose QB is out).  No, no.... The worse thing is Ben.  You might think that my terrible writing style made me forget to finish that sentence.  It did not.  I will retype it to emphasize what I just said.  In fact, you know what?  I'm going italics with this.  Ben is the worst.

Where to start unpacking my shit show of an old roommate?  Well, let's take a look at his bench.  He's still carrying Luck.  You know why?  To spite me.  No, seriously...

Editor's note:  I actually hit line up Nirvana this week because my bench scored
a grand total of 0 between injuries and BYEs.  (And I had to drop starters to do so.)

But that's not all.  Check this.  See how Ben forgot to swap out his TE this week?  Well, turns out, that was actually intentional:

Does my warning against hubris slow him down?  Nay!  It only makes him double down, like a mini-Trump:

Then what happens?  What happens????  Not only does Ben win, but he gets the highest points total of the week, AND locks in the first playoff berth of the year.  

Screw that guy.  Amirightguys??

OK... but let's segue from ranting to actual reporting, shall we?

Pick 'ems!  Only three entries this week.  Ben went 5-1, Phil 4-2, and Crutch 2-4.  So, that means that Ben is officially in striking distance with 7 weeks left.  Again, fuck that guy.  But in happier news, Crutch did manage to scrape together enough points to be tied for 3rd right now.   (And if the season ended right now, he'd be ahead because he's got more overall picks than Josh does.)

Phil  39

Ben  36

Crutch 23

Josh 23

Terri 15

Patrick 15

Mike 14

Also, yet ANOTHER You're not my supervisor.  Everyone picked Skoot to beat Crutch this week, but Skoot decided that perhapsa shitty team was the better part of valor and nosedived...

Guess that we can't put it off any longer...  Let's get to the games.

Ben vs. Terri.  We all know what happened here, and nobody is happy with it.  Least of all Terri, because she just pulled off a Ben AGAINST Ben, because she scored the second highest points this week, but she played the highest point total.  And one more quote from Ben, just in case you don't realize what a pile of dicks he is:

Josh vs. Mike.  This was projected to be a hella-close games and it certainly turned out to be!  Josh *barely* eeked out a victory over Mike by less than a point.  (As a side note, I cannot believe how many games have come down to less than a point this year.  it's uncanny!)  So, once again, Mike lives up to his namesake and remains firmly in last place.  But barely so...

Kyle vs. Phil.  Another close one here!  Kyle pulls in a much needed win to hopefully keep his post season alive with a small margin of victory of 3 points.   And if I may take an aside here, I currently have the point points for AND the most points against.  I'm pretty sure that I've had this all season, but I know that I've had it for at least 5 weeks.  September (when I last tasted victory) seems so far off....  I remember those halcyon times!!!

Jesse, No!  Be nice..

Crutch vs. Skoot.  Finally, Crutch's team is coming together.  4 players went double digits, and somehow he pulled off a pretty decisive win, even though he only scored 67 points.  On the other hand, I've been giving Skoot a hard time for not setting his line up the last few weeks.  And what happens?  He hits line up Nirvana and can't do a damn thing with it.  

I mean, like, not  really.  Set your line up, man!

Patrick vs. D.  And speaking of forgetting to set line ups.   Geez guys.  What happened here?  3 players (total from both teams) were started who didn't need to.  and to top it off, D started the Buffalo D against NO.  I mean, really?  

Kerry vs. McClennen  I mean, usually married games are more fun than this.  On the plus side, both teams did start a full line up.  But on the minus (and more pertinent) side, LOWEST SCORE OF THE WEEK.  And for extra shame for McClennen, that would be the beat down of the week that he just got there.  For this shameful performance from both of you, there will be no gif.

Just a static image.  Think about what you've done.

I would say good luck next week, but really, what do I know?  If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cry a little...

DFL 2017 Week 9: October's over - what a shithole!

Ugh... well, we're just about to enter into double digit weeks.  But before we get there, let's take a moment to reflect on what a shit hole October was.

We'll start with the obvious.... I haven't won a single game in October.  (And the only other one to accomplish this crap hole of a feat has started 3 players on BYE on each of the previous two weeks.)  Who doesn't like to see their good pal Phil win a game here and there?

Then, there's the undisputed leader of the league, Ben.  I mean, really?  Dude is still sitting on Luck, even though he might never play in the NFL again.

The longest streak of the league belongs to one Mr Patrick Mulligan McPoyle Hutton.  And to top it all off, the dude with the most moves in the league is not only a newbie, but also #3 in the standings.  Yeah, it's Josh.  Now, normally,I'm in favor of names that can be used as verbs (see:  my name), but this is what comes up as the first GIS for "Josh":

Ladies and Gentlemen (and Skoot - whatever the hell you are), we need to correct this situation stat.  We've only got 5 more weeks of regular season.  Let's please hand these jabronis some losses, shall we?

League Pick'ems.  Well, we sent off October appropriately with the Pick'em League.  With a big ol' fuck you.

Only 4 people made picks.  Josh and Crutch went 4-2, Ben went 3-3, and I had a season worst of 2-4.  That leaves the standings at:

Phil:  35
Ben: 31
Josh:  23
Crutch:  21
Terri:  15
Patrick:  15
Mike:  14

So, we do have a few individual tight races going on.  Get in there and pull ahead of your partners.  Except you, Ben.  Here's a little advice, straight from all our favorite element: neon

And we got not one but two YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR awards to hand out this week:  Terri completely upset D and Kyle messed up Kerry is unprecedented fashion.

As Kyle outscored the rest of the league, I think that this is as good of a place as any to start....

Kyle vs. Kerry.  Well, Kyle's Patriot heavy team had to have a BYE week some time. So, Kyle had to scramble to find a team.  And holy fuck, did he ever!  Team high score, highest score of the week, AND beatdown of the week!  (In fact, he beat Kerry down so bad that the point differential in the game was more than almost half the the teams in the league just scored.)  Looking at Kerry's score, I thought "Man, she didn't set a line up this week!  Come on!"  Well, she did.  Fournette was benched for violating team rules at the last minute, Dickson just didn't get looked at all game, and somehow Walsh missed all three gimme field goals.  And those were just the players who goose egged!  Another didn't even hit 1 point another fell short of 3.

Josh vs. Phil.  Well, for a game that was predicted to be so close that it hurts, this was sure a pisser. It was pretty evenly matched.  The big differentiatior was on Alvin Kamara who just went crazy.  Cuz you know, people named Alvin so often do well in the NFL.

This numb nuts is the guy who won it for you, Josh.  I hope that
you're happy with yourself.

Patrick vs. Crutch.  Son of a ....  Well, Patrick took this one, extending his winning streak even farther.  The kicker is that Zeke was able to play at the last minute.  That means that Patrick snuck this win under the RADAR.  If Zeke's suspension was upheld, then Patrick would have scored 8 less points (assuming that he played his best RB), and Crutch would have pulled the win instead.  So, Patrick, congratulations on winning this one by the hair of your chinny chin chin.

Do you remember Green Jelly?  I remember Green Jelly.

Ben vs. Mike.  O.  My.  Gosh.  (Look at her butt)  Speaking of close games, here's another.  Ben *barely* wins this game by a point.  Not overly surprising, except that Ben is in first place and Mike is in dead last place.  AND Mike hit line up Nirvana.  So, Ben keeps his strangle hold on first place, while Mike continues to languish in last.  It was a noble try, Mike.  And one to be saluted.  Really, the only thing left to do at this point.....

Quit your job as a stripper and become a mildly entertaining
Youtube sensation.

McClennen vs. Skoot.  Well, McClennen, you got a gift here.  With Winston getting knocked out early, McCoy thinking that he was back in Philly, and starting the Cin DEF, you scored a lackluster 57 points.  The good news is that Skoot was distracted by shiny things and forgot to set his line up (again).  So, 3 players on BYE, one that is too old and was just released from the team, AND one that was traded a scant 48 hours before game time all totaled 0 points.  The remaining 3 players did OK though.

Terri vs. D.  Ugh... AKA, well, shit.  Someone has to win, right?  Terri had a terrible game at 45 points, but that actually more than doubled her opponent.  I've seen some sad games, but this had got to be top 5 saddest games ever.

But yeah, we're in the short rows now.  Right now, there is a *5* way tie for 5th place (based on record alone), and there's only a 2 game difference between 1st and 3rd place.  So, it's a lot tighter than it has been in the past.  October is over, so let's go and kick some ass here folks!  Upsets from here on out!  Who's with me??

Oh, screw you guys, then.

DFL 2017 Week 8: It's Halloween. Boo!

Ya know...

There's a lot of bullshit going on around the league right about now.  Injuries, suspensions, trades, BYE weeks.  I mean, the list goes on and on.  But one thing that you can take to the bank is that you can't trust Ben.  Not now. Not ever.  Why do I say this?  Because of this little exchange with Ben (my opponent this week) on Thursday morning:

So... I was excited to finally break my winning streak.  Until I watched Ben's defense completely fuck over the Dolphins later that night.

Literally my face the entire game...

So, my losing streak (And the longest losing streak in the league) continues.... How are you doing?  Sigh...  But OK, let's not get into a pity party.  I mean, it's not like I'm Mike or anything...

Man... I'm on such a shit train that busting Mike's chops isn't even fun.

To the pick'ems!  Well, this is certainly a short section this week.  Only 3 people picked (Phil, Ben, and Crutch), they all went 4-2, and there were no "You're not my supervisor!" awards.  So, yeah, here's where things stand:
Phil:  33
Ben: 28
Josh:  19
Crutch:  17(up *4* places from last week!)
Terri:  15
Patrick: 15
Mike:  14

We've rounded the mid-season mark, and it looks like there's going to be a knock down, drawn out brawl for 3rd place.  So keep them picks coming!!

And now, the games.  There's a few blow outs, some bullshit, and another really close game.  So, some excitement this week and more coming up in the coming weeks.  Let's get into it!

Patrick vs. McClennen.  Patick came out swinging here.  Elliot and the Eagles D both put up 20 point games.  Thielen, Gronk, and Jeffery all saw double digits as well.  Oddly enough, Patrick didn't quite make the centurian club. McClennen, on the other hand...  Peaks and valleys man.  Peaks and valleys....  Three solid double digits performances, and then 2 players less than 4 points, a starting QB who went negative, and a starter on BYE.  No surprise that Patrick administered the beat down of the week.

Here's the thing for Patrick though.. He's primed to jump into 1st place.  Sadly, it looks like Zeke is about to take a 6 week break.  So, we'll see how that plays out.

D vs. Mike.  Well, shit...  looks who's on a 3 game winning streak.  D is making a move while just barely missing delivering the beat down of the week.  Mike, I dunno man.  Things are looking pretty grim right now.  Dead last place, and your kicker is who is scoring most of your points.  But hey!  at last you won last week, right?  But there's hope on the horizon.  I mean, you're not the ass last in points scored (looking at you, Kyle).  And hey the season is half over.  You're bound to have a good draft pick next year, right???

I mean, tomorrow's still gonna suck for you, but ...  sorry, I lost my train of thought.

Ben vs. Phil. 

Ugh.  But seriously.  Fuck Baltimore D and fuck Ben.  And this is coming from the guy whose defense threw down 20 points themselves!!!

Kerry vs. Scott.  Scott said "Hey, Kerry.  Let me give you a gift.  It's the gift of half o my starters are on BYE.  And the rest of my team isn't much to write home about.  Wait.  WTF?  Kelvin Benjamin was traded to the Bills?  Fuck.  Well, Good luck with that Skoot.  Anyways, Kerry was able to beat Skoot with just two players.... so good on ya, Kerry!

Pumpkin man is proud of you!

Kyle vs. Josh.  Well, last week, I encouraged us all to stop giving Kyle such a hard time and let him win a game.  Well, Josh stepped up to the challenge and just shit the bed.  So, Kyle, well done and savor your third victory of the year. 

BUT! and this is a big BUT!  Let's see how Kyle does in week 9.  AKA The Patriot's BYE week. 

Impress the league, Kyle!

Crutch vs. Terri  O boy... This was a close one...  0.9 points separated the Winner (Crutch) from the loser (Terri).  And you know what really sucks?  Terri's defense scored -1.28 points.  Outside of that, Terri hit Line Up Nirvana.  I mean, not to kick a woman when shes's down, but:

So, yeah.  That will do it for this week.  Tune in next week to see more insanity unfold...

DFL 2017: Short but Sweet.

Well, it's Wednesday night and I'm just getting the write up out now.  And you know what that means!

Sorry if this turns out to be a shit post, but I'll try to short at the very least.

Pick 'ems.  We had a great week.  Well, those of us who cared to vote had a great a week, at least.

Josh got the most right picks this week at 5-1.   Phil, Ben, an Crutch all tied at 4-2.  So, that means that the current status looks something like this:

Phil:  29
Ben:  24
Josh:  19
Terri:  15
Patrick:  15
Mike:  14
Crutch:  13

Also, as a side note here.  Ben actually pre-voted all year, which is why he's so consistently getting points.  The mildly infuriating part of this is that I'm assuming that he just picked who Yahoo! would predict would win based on pre-week 1 line ups.  That doesn't eve make any sense considering how many injuries, suspensions, and overall lack of performance there has been this year.

So, come on guys!  Rally and beat Ben's stupid ass this year.  And by that, of course, I mean beat Yahoo's stupid projections.

Patrick vs. Skoot  Again, this week we see the top scorer playing the bottom scorer.  Patrick just went to town on Skoot.  Of course, Zeke putting in 31 points and Carr throwing down another 25 certainly didn't help Skoot's situation.  In picture form:

Dead things should be dead, Skoot.

Josh vs. Kerry.  This was kind of a slugfest.  Both Qbs in the 20s.  Both Kickers in the teens. But the real winner is Josh.  Though, more specifically, the big scorer is once again the Jacksonville D.  With them putting up 20 points this week, that means that they have had scored at least 20 points in three games, and double digits another 2 times.  Just pray that when you have to play Josh, Jacksonville is on BYE.   (Which would be next week.  Congrats to you, Kyle, you lucky bastard.)

D vs. Phil.  Well, D was due for a big week and he got it here.  D threw down some major double digits and Phil just couldn't keep up... Though I would like to point out that I do have the most points FOR and the most points AGAINST me in the league.

McClennnen vs Terri.  Once again, there's another close game.  Like, less than a point close.  I'm too lazy to go back and check, but this is an insane number of tight games this year.  Maybe more than any two other years combined.   So, well done, McClennen.  Not just on the victory, but also on giving Terri a glimmer of hope and then tearing it away. 

Mike vs. Crutch.  Crutch, fresh from his total beating of Phil last week decided to take a nap this week.

Well, half his team team did.  The other half stormed the field for double digits.  It wasn't enough though....  Mike rode Jordan Reed and his 2 TDs to a victory this week.

Ben vs. Kyle.  Last, and certainly least was Ben's narrow win over Kyle.  Ben scored just over 62 points, but lucky for him, Kyle scored just less than that.  That's the current leader of the league there, folks!  Throwing down an impressive almost 62 points.  Kyle's got some trouble this upcoming week as Lycnh is out because he pushed a ref, and Bryant is out because he's shooting his mouth off.  This has been a hella rude introduction to the league for Kyle. So, I say that we all let him win a game... say, next week?  What do you guys think?

Alrighty.  Enjoy folks....

DFL 2017 Week 6: Ffffffffuuuuuuuu...

...  Well, I think that you know where this is going.  So, I'll spare you the details.

Did anything happen this weekend?  Like, in the NFL?  Anything at all?  Oh, right...

Or to put it another way:

Or, more specifically for me....

Ugh, but enough about me and how my season is pretty screwed at the moment.  Let's talk about elimination league, shall we?  I think that the whole season can be summarized thusly:

Sloooowly, carefully, make your picks, do your best.  A few people get knocked out here and there, then finally, there's two remaining.  And what do they do?  The both pick the same heavily, HEAVILY favored team, and they are both knocked out with the upset.  Like I always say, never pick nationally televised games.  Cuz then you wind up with the G men beating an 11.5 point spread and leaving the Broncos stunned.  Both Ben and Patrick picked Denver.  So, both Ben and Patrick are eliminated.  So, nobody wins.  And don't give me that tie jibba jabba.  Ties are for losers.

It's kinda like  we all lost this season, isn't it?

And speaking of losers, let's look at the elmination league...Only 5 people made picks this week.  3 went 4-2 (Phil, Ben, and Terri) while 2 went 303 (Mike and Josh).  Not great here, guys.  Although, we do get to give *another* "You're Not My Supervisor" award this week.  This time to Crutch.  Well done, Sir!

5 people picked against Crutch, and 5 people were wrong.  That does seem like a pretty good segue though...

Crutch vs. Phil.  There was a 13 point spread going into this game.  Nobody expected Crutch to win.  (Not even Crutch - he voted against himself.)  There was a good chance that there was going to be a beat down of the week, but not the way that it went down.  Crutch score the most points of the week, Phil scored the least.  So, yeah, complete and thorough beating here. 

Just call Crutch Peter.  I know that I'm sure going to call him a dick.

Terri vs. Skoot.  Well, this was projected to be a close game and it damn sure was.  (Oddly, not the closest game of the week though...)  So, remember how we tried to pull D/ST down at the start of the year??  YEah, nobody told this game.  The lower scoring D hit almost 15 points, and the other almost doubled that.  Then, pretty much the only others to score were on Pittsburgh; Bell for Skoot and Brown for Terri.  In the end, Terri squeaked out a victory by just shy of 4 points.....

Ben vs. Josh.  This was supposed to be the biggest game of the week.  It was supposed to be a slug fest where both teams hitting new point highs....  It was not.  Ben squrely won this one because the Baltimore D went ape shit crazy on Chicago.  Plus, Newton being back in form didn't hurt much either.  The results of this game popped Ben from 3rd place in the league to first, and Josh from second to fourth.Still lost of time left in the season, but this shook things up pretty good...

Erm... not like that...

D vs. Kyle.  Finally, a game with properly scoring defenses!!!  OK, the Pats D did hit double digits for Kyle, but don't tell Skoot.  Each team had three offensive players hit double digits.  The big differentiator is that Kyle's plays that didn't hit double digits, REALLY didn't hit double digits.  Fun fact about this game:  Both teams had QBs on the bench that outscored the starters. 

So, like, there's that....

Mike vs. McClennen.  Let the trumpets sound!

Mike's done it!  He's snapped his 5 game losing streak!  He's on a roll now!  Really, that's the big news out of this game.  Everything else is window dressing.  (Sorry, McClennen, but let's not take away from Mike's moment.  This might be the only one this season...)

Patrick vs. Kerry.  *This* is the game.  Yeah, it was the lowest scoring game, but it was close.  Patrick was able to barely eek out a win with just a 2 point margin.  But in Patrick's defense, this was his heavy BYE week and his bench gathered together and put up a meager 3.80 points.  Not to be outdone, Kerry's team only had 4.99 points on her bench.

And that's about it.  There's a lot of injuries, some BYEs and even a suspension or two to get through next week.  So, keep your eyes peeled and benches warm.  See you bastards next week.