The first 20 minutes of Eragon review.

Hopefully, I am not getting into a rut here.  However, I wanted to post a quick movie review while the scent was still fresh.  So, I present to you, my review of the first twenty minutes of Eragon.

In a spirit of full disclosure, I should probably say that I am reading the Eragon books right now.  I'm about halfway through the third one, and I am *really* digging them.  I haven't been this excited about a book series since Frank Herbert.  (And BTW, thank you so much Frank for destroying that  series in the third book.  Harumph!)  I had heard that the movie version of Eragon was bad... but really how bad could it be?  I figured that a lot of fanboys didn't like it since it wasn't faithful to the book.  In my mind, books are movies are two completely different media and so changes are just ducky with me.  As long as it is still entertaining.  I've only gotten through about 20 minutes of the movie, so it may get better.  However, a recently added blogger to this site (cough-Clay-cough) tells me that it just gets worse from here.  But, I'm stupid, so I'm probably going to finish it.  Anyways, here's my problems with the first twenty minutes of Eragon:

(I would say "Spoiler Alerts!", but that's like giving a spoiler alert to someone who's about to bite into a rancid hamburger - yeah I'm telling you information that you didn't know, but I'm saving you pain in the long run.)

The credits actually said "Based On Books by Chis P."  I think that it really should have been "Loosely Inspired by books by Chris P."

The first line spoken by a character on screen is "Not having my stone makes me unhappy.  Do not prolong my unhappiness."  I'm going to leave that there without any comment.  (And when the first line gives you leaves you worried... ugh....)  BTW, that was John "I'm so bad ass that they made a movie about being ME" Malkovich who said that line.  Bless his heart, he did about as well as he could with this crap...

So, Roran decides to leave home so as to avoid the draft.  (Definitely a change from the book, but I'm OK with that, so long as it makes sense, which it very much does not.)  OK... so, he's leaving a piss-ant little village so that he doesn't get drafted.  Where the *hell* is he planning on going?  Or is he planning on becoming a hermit until he's old and gray?  (I'm assuming that it'll take some time for him to get to Surda, if that's him plan, since the king told Durza not to let Eragon get there.  So, that implies that it's not right around the corner - in the book, they are about as far away as possible, but they didn't really give specifics in the movie...)

Speaking of Roran, they introduce him by having him and Eragon play a game a grab ass.  And I know that this is supposed to endear the two characters and make the audience say "Hey, these two are close.  We should definitely care about them."  However, what it left me saying was "Really?  While condensing a 350 page book into 100 minute movie, we really need to see two jackasses wrestling for 3 minutes?  That's 3 percent of the movie, guys..."

And speaking of which.... 100 minutes?  WTF guys.  This is kind of an epic tale.  Especially if you are planning sequels.  What constraints could you have possibly been under to cut it down so much?  (Unless the original cut was like 3 hours long and they decided to try to minimize the pain to the audience, which is kind of admirable if you think about it.)

So, the time line... OK so...  This is a hard one...   I know that the book gave Eragon and Saphira a few months while she was growing.  And I know that the movie just wanted to futz with the timeline to get things moving.  But seriously... this is how you do it?  In case you're wondering here's the growing process in the movie:  the dragon hatches and is tiny.  A few days after birth, she goes for her first flight, wherein she gets hit by a bolt of lightning and grows freaking huge in about 10 seconds.  Here's how I think that the creative meeting went:
Some dude:  "Uh... yeah...  We need to get the movie going fast.  So, we need to grow the dragon *quick*.
Another dude:  "Huh.... OK, we're changing so much of the story, why not just take some liberties here? We still got the Ra'zac, right?  How about they happen to run across Eragon, neither the Ra'zaoc nor Eragon really knows who the other is, Saphira feels the danger from far off, and so she calls out to Eragon with the mental link and he goes back to her. Then she makes him flee wherein they lay low for a few weeks, which would give her time to grow?  We could do a montage!"
Some dude:  "Nah, too complicated.  People might get confused."
Another dude:  "OK..  How about the Ra'zac just can't find him or the town for a few weeks.  That would even give us some more time to develop Roran."
Some dude:  "That's good... but here's the thing.  I'm not really good at my job.  Can't we get even *less* confusing."
Another dude:  "We could have Saphira ... like ... uh ... struck by lightning?"
Some dude:  "Brilliant!  Let's go with that.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get a frap."

Another of my bloggers actually pointed this out:  The guy who they cast as Eragon is actually prettier than the lady that they cast Arya.  Who is an immortal elf princess.  Described as having preternatural beauty, which dogs Eragon throughout the book.  But no, I guess that having some dumb-ass farm boy bumpkin be more effeminate than her makes sense.

Oh, and since we're on Arya...  She is introduced in the book as riding hard through a forest at night, wherein she and her companions are beset by Urgals (kinda like Tolkien's orcs) and a major battle ensues where magic is unleashed and it is truly epic.  In the movie two arrows come out of nowhere kill her companions and she is pushed off her horse.  Seriously.  That's how the movie opens.

And then, instead of being this mysterious character, Arya is reduced to a school girl.  The bad guys capture her and then she and the big baddie (Durza) start taunting each other. (Happens at least once, and I assume will probably keep happening throughout the movie.)  This is about the level of their writing:
Scene:  Durza, who is an evil sorcerer whose grasp for power has allowed evil spirits to invade his body, has Arya, a fair elven princess, tied to a table.  Durza is pissed, since he has been trying to interogate Arya, but she won't give:
Durza:  Tell me where the stone is!
Arya:  No.
Durza:  Please?
Arya:  No.

Arya:  Hey, Durza.
Duraza:  Yeah - are you going to tell me something?
Arya:  Yeah, the stone hatched.
Durza:  Oh - you're mean.
Arya: 

Lest I forget Brom, played by the adorable Jeremy Irons (who just *really* wants to be in a good fantasy movie, bless his heart).  He's sitting in a bar one night.  There is a contingent of soldiers (who, don't forget have been conscripted into the army against their will, most probably) in there with him. So, Brom starts drunkenly telling a story to the other town folks in the bar about the Dragon Riders and how they were cool and they will rise to power again.  (The implication being that the king sucks and should be overthrown.)  The guards, worried about stirring up trouble, say to him "Hey shut up.  That's bordering on treason."  So, Eragon (remember, a 15 year old farm boy bumpkin) says "Let him finish."  So, the guard does.  And Brom continues his drunken tirade against the king.  When he's done, they toss him out of the bar.  Really good opportunity for some tense drama, which just slipped through their fingers....

And Clay tells me it gets worse!!!  Ladies and Gentlemen, I have seen Troll 2 multiple times.  However, I'm not sure how this will get much worse.  I may or may not be able to face the pain of the rest of this movie.  Stay tuned. :-)